Thursday, July 31, 2008

Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon: Fatal Attraction

Cinexcellence is hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon.
Synopsis: pick up a DVD you normally wouldn't, watch it, write a little something.

For those of you who've never seen Fatal Attraction, this is the movie that teaches you that cheating on your spouse leads to the death of your child's pet. Every time. If you cheat, Mr. Tiddilywinks gets put in the wood chipper. Every time.

In short, Michael Douglas plays a businessman who has an affair with a co-worker, Glenn Close. Shortly afterward, she turns into a
crazy ass stalker. She does all the usual stuff: nighttime phone calls, creepy mixtapes, destruction of property, etc. But then she goes above and beyond her stalker duties. Wrist slitting, (fake?) pregnancies, and
Whitesnake hair. She's a real sicko.

Right away, the title made sense to me. Anyone who finds Glenn Close attractive deserves to die. Period. Her name is GLENN. That's not a sexy actress name, that's a computer programmer name. Also, being born after 1960 automatically disqualifies me from understanding why Michael Douglas ever had a career. The man looks like a unhappy California Raisin. I watched It Runs in the Family. The next day Future Scott called and said the pain wasn't going away.

There are just too many sex scenes in this movie. I'm no prude, but Ernest Does Dallas was sexier than Fatal Attraction. The last time I saw Glenn Close naked, she was crying on the floor of a shower. Now, that's either a scene description from The Big Chill or a personal story that I'll end now. Glenn Close nudity is a lot like gym class nudity. You know it's inevitable but you do everything you can to divert your eyes. Also, watching Douglas struggle to get his tighty-whiteys off wasn't pleasant either.

Disgusting sex scenes aside, the movie turned out to be pretty entertaining. There are some really tense scenes when you realize that Close isn't playing a monster, she's playing a woman with mental problems. It screams Play Misty for Me but still works as a sex thriller. The director, Adrian Lyne, knows about sex flicks. He's made Fatal Attraction, 9 1/2 Weeks, Indecent Proposal, Lolita, and my favorite Diane Lane film: Unfaithful.

All in all, if you're looking for a well-made film about something that could actually happen (the stalker part, not the sex with Glenn Close part) then you might want to pick this up. But from the looks of his filmography, Lyne has quite a few other movies you might want to watch instead. Just take a look at this successful director's progress.

He went from this:
To this:
His movies may all be pretty similar...but least his casting has improved.

Thanks to Cinexcellence for hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-thon. Without it, I might have never seen Fatal Attraction. And without seeing Fatal Attraction, I would have had to think of another reason to put up another Diane Lane picture.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

July's Been a Busy Month

July has been a crazy month. It wasn't until I looked through the archive that I realized just how busy it's been. Thank you to everyone who reads and comments here. We've been able to go from 1300 visits to 3900 visits in just one month. I'm truly, truly, thankful to all the supporters of He Shot Cyrus. This post has a lot of links. Click on them. Blogging wouldn't be as fun without these guys.

First off, the following blogs need a huge shout-out., Big Mike's Movie Blog,
My Stuff and Cr*p, and Lazy Eye Theatre
hosted blog-a-thons and movie memes I participated in.
(All About Me, Batman, Rugrats, 12 Movie Meme, respectively)
Blog-a-thons are lots of work, so my hat's off to these guys.

Second, a huge thanks to the blogs that featured us this month.
DVD Panache featured me in their Friday Screen Test series.
Film Experience linked to one of my posts and sent lots of traffic my way.
Someone added He Shot Cyrus to StumbleUpon, thanks to whoever did that.

New to He Shot Cyrus? Here's what you might have missed.
Guys I'd Go Gay For blew up like a Scanners head. It got 26 Comments, a record-breaking number. As it turns out, Kaleen and I have the same taste in women. Thanks to everyone who left their lists. And Piper...the "cool juice" is all yours, buddy.

We hosted our first He Shot Cyrus Top Comment Award (HSCTCA) ceremony and Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor won. I'm working on getting a better looking trophy for next month's winner. The winning comment? "Doomsday was the closest I've come to walking out of a theater in a long time. It was AIDS in film form."

I've watched 3/5 of the movies I swore I'd never watch. Pride & Prejudice, The Gingerdead Man, and Last House on the Left. That just leaves Swept Away and Eraserhead. There will eventually be a post on LHotL, I swear.

The careers of Cuba Gooding Jr., Eddie Murphy, and Chris Tucker were all evaluated. Who knew Chris Tucker would come out on top? He only made three movies in ten years? I guess that does count as charity work.

Oh yeah, I also want to post the results of "Who's the Hottest Guy I'd Go Gay For" Poll Question.

John Cusack --- 4 votes
Gael Garcia Bernal --- 10 votes
Sidney Poitier --- 0 votes
Jason Bateman --- 7 votes
Denzel Washington --- 1 vote
Taye Diggs --- 5 votes
Jonah Hill --- 0 votes

Once again, thanks everyone!
There's some exciting stuff in the works for August.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Rug Rats Blog-a-Thon: Catinca Untaru

My Stuff and Cr*p is hosting the Rug Rats Blog-a-Thon. Children have been in movies since the beginning of cinema. 19th century French labor laws aren't my specialty, but I'd bet at least some of those Lumiere workers were kids. A century later, the kids are still acting. Salvatore Cascio, Jean-Pierre LĂ©aud, and Peter Billingsley have served up some of the most memorable performances this side of the Shirley Temple franchise.

Catinca Untaru has cemented her spot on the list of impressive child actors. Starring in Tarsem's The Fall, this young actress makes Dakota Fanning look like Gilbert Godfrey in a Uwe Boll film. To better understand the specialness of Untaru's performance, you have to first understand the specialness of The Fall.

The Fall was a dream project for director Tarsem. Famous for his commercial and music video work, the Indian filmmaker had an idea of letting a child guide the film. He decided that he needed a four-year-old for his idea to work. Years later, he was given a tape with a young Romanian girl (Untaru) and was so capitvated by her that production started immediately.

The film follows a Untaru's character, Alexandria, as she tries to occupy her time in a hospital while she recovers from a broken collarbone. During her stay, she meets a depressed silent film actor/stuntman named Roy Walker (Lee Pace) who was recently paralyzed after a stunt went bad. Recently dumped by his girlfriend, Roy wants out of life. Contained to his bed, he enlists the help of Alexandria to get the morphine he desires.

Roy tells Alexandria an epic story filled with fantasy elements and mythical heroes. Each day he tells her another section of the story. As the two bond together, he pursuades the little girl to get him some morphine from the medical center. The film cuts between the 1920s hospital and the timeless fantasy world. Alexandria's character shows up in both worlds and Untaru's performance in The Fall overall, is incredible.

Catinca Untaru was born in Bucharest in March 1997. Eleven now, only six when filming started. Another fact, she didn't speak English when she landed the role. But the director used her language barrier to the film's advantage. He wanted a four-year-old for the role because of their societal innocence, but Tarsem found that Untaru worked perfectly, her inability to speak English made up for her age.

"One day I got a tape of this girl at a school in Romania, in the middle of students talking. I was amazed. She was perfect. She didn't speak English. The penny dropped. She was six, but if she didn’t speak the language she would be using, the misunderstanding would buy me the two years that I needed. Because she had to seem four." (Ebert Interview with Tarsem)

One of the scenes everyone's talking about involves Roy asking Alexandria if she is trying to save his soul. "Are you trying to save my soul?" Her reply is indescribable. In my opinion, this is one of the most amazing moments captured on film. She smiles, pauses, opens her mouth, smiling. It just has to be seen. As it turns out, Untaru didn't know what the word "soul" meant and reacted naturally. That's the innocence Tarsem was looking for.

"It's true. One of the treasures of the film is the sound of the dialog by Catinca Untaru. We understand every word, but she sounds as if she's inventing them as utters them." (Rober Ebert, possibly replying to what I just wrote)

Only Tarsem and Lee Pace knew that Lee Pace could walk. Hoping to capture people's real reactions to a handicapped person, the director kept the secret until shooting wrapped. When filming ended, they told everyone the truth, to mixed reactions. Some people were upset, others took it as good news. Tarsem remarked on Untaru's reactions to pace when she first met him.

They met while shooting their first scene together. To her knowledge, Pace was actually paralyzed and she was nervous because of that. That nervousness comes through in her performance. But as the film progresses, it's easy to see how much the young actress has bonded with her co-star. A lot of the dialogue was improvised and spontaneous. Tarsem claims that by the third or fourth take, Untaru would nail the scene. The director allowed flexability and freedom in his film and let the little girl craft the story.

The script was ever-changing. In the scene where Lee Pace writes M-O-R-P-H-I-N-E, Untaru mistook the actor's "E" for a "3" and they changed the story to suit that. When she read "3," Tarsem told the prop man to fill the morphine bottle all the way up. Then when Alexandria steals the pills, she only grabs three, not enough for Roy to kill himself. This flexability allowed the film to remain fluid and capture all of the special moments that only a child can create.

You can credit Tarsem for directing an amazing film. You can be in awe of the shooting locations, spanning 28 countries. You can love how the story weaves betweens worlds of the real and the fantastic. But without Untaru's performance, none of that would tie together. Untaru appears to be the glue that holds The Fall together. Quite a lot of responsibility for a six-year-old, but after watching the film, it'd be hard to argue that she didn't get the job done.

Ain't It Cool News has been covering The Fall with more attention than anyone else. Capone, a member of the AICN staff interviewed Tarsem, the links are listed below. Moriary, another staff member, gave his feelings towards Untaru and her performance in the link below. I got a lot of my information from them, so I'm givng credit where credit it due. Thanks, guys.
Part One:
Part Two:
Moriary's Thoughts:

Saturday, July 26, 2008

The 12 Movies Meme

Lazy Eye Theatre is hosting the 12 MOVIES MEME. I had the honor of being selected in the first group of writers. Here's the mission: Diablo Cody got to program 12 movies at the New Beverly Cinema. If she can do it, we can do it.

List your programming schedule. Which 12 movies and why. Then nominate 5 other writers to contribute their lists. My selections will be at the bottom of this blog. Read on to see if you made the cut.

Here's my schedule. Feedback and poll question voting is a must. One simple question: which nights would you attend and which ones would you skip? Thanks in advance for all your comments.

Peter Jackson Double-Feature
Meet the Feebles [Link] - Muppets on Crack creation starts this off.
Dead Alive [Link] - The most entertaining zombie film of all time.Wanna fight about it?

Gael Garcia Bernal Double-Feature
The Motorcycle Diaries [Link] - A young Che Guevara, years before he led the Cuban Revolution, and his friend travel through South America.
El Crimen del Padre Amaro [Link] - A Catholic priest has an affair with a teenage girl. This one'll knock you on your ass.

The Raddest Cult Films Ever Made Double Feature
Assault on Precinct 13 [Link] - Awesome premise, incredible synth music, and one of John Carpenter's best films.
The Warriors [Link] - My favorite movie of all time. The coolest, most quotable cult film to date.

Bring Your Kids Double Feature
Escape to Witch Mountain [Link] - My favorite kids movie. Magical tweens outwit an evil millionaire and his bald henchman.
Rad [Link] - This one is CULT. The kiddies might not get through this one, but it's worth showing because it's so hard to get ahold of these days.

Hip-Hop Documentary Double Feature
Style Wars [Link] - Mind-blowingly amazing doc about the Golden Years of Graffiti.
Freestyle: The Art of Rhyme [Link] - The movie contains: Dope emcees spitting off the dome hotness. If that made any sense to you, watch this movie now.

The Hottest Double Feature
High Fidelity [Link] - John Cusack.
Unfaithful [Link] - Diane Lane.

There's the schedule. Which nights would you attend?
Which ones would you skip? Why?

Also, my official selections for contributors are:
Whitney @ DearJesus
Daniel G. @ Get A Film
Ross Williams @ What I Watched Last Night
The Mad Hatter @ The Dark of the Matinee
Keith @ The Kinetoscope Parlor

1. When you finish your post, let me know so I can let Lazy Eye Theatre know.
2. If you don't want to do it, let me know so I can ask someone else.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Guys I'd Go Gay For

It's Man-Crush Thursday here at He Shot Cyrus. This just couldn't wait for Man-Crush Monday. Caitlin over at 1416 and Counting just created a mega-post dedicated to the men in her life. All those interested in looking at picture of attractive fellas, go check it out. But not before you leave some comments listing your most beautiful beaus.

Remember, every comment you leave makes you eligible for next month's He Shot Cyrus Top Comment Award. This month's winner, Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor, will continue to receive publicity like this along with his JPEG trophy.

On to the Guys I'd Go Gay For list:

John Cusack - I recently figured this one out. I want to be Rob Gordon. He's owns a record store. He used to be a DJ. Making mixes for people is his greatest joy. He's dated gorgeous women. Also, he is constantly making Top 5 lists. What more could I guy want? Plus, he's hot.

I like going record shopping. I dream of being a DJ. People get mixes from me even when they don't ask for them. I'm dating a gorgeous girl right now. I make Top 5 lists all the time. Want to know my Top 5 John Cusack Performances? 1. Rob in High Fidelity 2. Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything 3. Martin Q. Blank in Grosse Point Blank 4. Gib in The Sure Thing 5. Eddie Thomas in American Sweethearts

Gael Garcia Bernal - Not only is this guy the hottest man alive, he also takes the best role choices. He's the adulterous priest in the imaginative dreamer in The Science of Sleep, and the young Che Guevara in The Motorcycle Diaries. He's the type of good looking that makes you convince yourself you'll die looking like John C. Reilly.

Sidney Poitier - An oldie but a goodie. He's hotter than Clark Gable. Hotter than Gregory Peck. Even hotter than Cary Grant. That's right, I said it! And in the heat of the night, he'll make you call him MISTER Tibbs. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Jason Bateman - John Krasinski didn't make the list because when he's not on The Office, I could go either way. I have more of a man-crush on Bateman than on his character from Arrested Development. Juno, Hancock, and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium proved that. This man is adorable. Adorable.

Denzel Washington - This man has charisma like no other. He could talk anyone into doing anything. And I do mean anything. Now he's remaking one of my favorite 70s thrillers, The Taking of Pelham 123. This just keep getting better and better.

Taye Diggs - There hasn't been a better looking couple since Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan reminisced about watching Slick Rick, Doug E. Fresh, and Dana Dane in a cypher circle circa 1984. Wait, you didn't see Brown Sugar? Shame. If you love hip-hop and talking about hip-hop, you should. Back to the man of the moment, you probably know him as the announcer from Chicago. Smooth, good looking, nice smile. Not as charismatic as Denzel, but pretty close.

Jonah Hill - If you don't think this guy's sexy, I'm taking it personally. He's attractive, damn it!

There you go, the guys I'd go gay for. EVERYBODY, leave a comment with your own lists. Thanks!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Dark Knight: If Heath Ledger Hadn't Died

If Heath Ledger hadn't died:

The Dark Knight still would have made hundreds of million of dollars.

Maybe it wouldn't have broken all the records it did, but it's still be ridiculously successful.

Nicholson supporters wouldn't have to hide from fear of fanboy !!!OMGz!!! and FUK U's.
There would still be a debate as to who was the better Joker, instead of a one-sided hype machine.

The ending would have worked better.
TDK became the Heath Ledger movie the moment he passed. So why leave The Joker hanging from the side of a building for the SWAT Team to take care of? Why have the movie go on for another twenty anti-climatic minutes? Granted, the VERY end, was rad, but the third act left a bad taste in my mouth.

No one would be screaming "GIVE HIM THE OSCAR" like a bunch of maniacs.
His performance was great, but by the time award ceremony season rolled around, we'd all be distracted by something else, forgetting about the superhero movie that got released half-a-year ago.

But if I'm being honest, if Heath Ledger hadn't died, I wouldn't have been half as excited about The Dark Knight.

He was a fine actor (with more bad movies in his past than people care to remember) but the fact that people are freaking out about this movie like they (we) are says more about humanity than any of the messages found in The Dark Knight.

The Perseverance of Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

Eddie Murphy's movie flop at the box office.
Chris Tucker's don't.

Cuba hasn't made good money for years.
Chris Tucker still does.

How does he do it?


Chris Tucker hasn't made a non-Rush Hour film since 1998.
Don't believe me? Go check his filmography.

It's all about supply and demand.
Apparently, someone was demanding Chris Tucker.
He was smart and refused to supply that demand.

Now he makes 20 million dollars per movie.
He makes a movie, chills until his money's gone, and then calls up Jackie Chan.

Rush Hour 3 earned him another 20 million dollars plus 20% of the gross.

That's how you do it, fellas.
Lock into a successful franchise and squeeze out every last drop of success.

Life is Hard on the Street

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Animals Attacking Humans Marathon

Midnites for Maniacs, San Francisco's greatest contribution to film, hosted a


Whitney from Dear Jesus and I went to the Castro Theatre at 3:00PM. Around 3:00AM, I was finally home. As Whitney points out in her blog, MUNI is awful. Round midnight, everything shuts down.

I'm listening to Crown City Rockers. I'm exhausted. I just finished playing some Dr. Mario. Now it's time to write a blog. Here's a quick rundown on what I experienced tonight.

The first movie was called Phase IV. Killer ants. This movie sounded incredibly lame. Two scientists discover that different species of ants are working together. They bunker up in a small desert town to find out why. While they're there, the ants decide that they don't take too kindly to strangers.

The director, Saul Bass, is the most impressive film guy you've never heard of. The host, Jesse, let us in on all the details. Phase IV is the only movie Bass ever directed but he's has his hands in more classics than I can count. This guy made poster art, he made title sequences, he even made the AmericanAirlines logo. The title sequences for Vertigo, North by Northwest, and Psycho? All Saul Bass.

Two words: Phase IV Three more: Was freakin' awesome.

It's difficult to describe the look of Phase IV because I've never seen anything comparable to Phase IV. For you 80s babies, think Microcosmos as a sci-fi thriller. We get up close and personal with the ants and it completely works. One chilling scene where an ant lines up the bodies of his fallen comrades had everybody in the theatre shivering.

Phase IV was just released on DVD. I'm trying to get my hands on a copy but it appears to be harder to find than I'd wish. If any of you get a chance to see this, don't miss the opportunity. Oh, and the girl, fii-e-ine!

Pretty basic plot: baby alligator gets flushed down the toilet, lives in the sewer, and feeds off of genetically enhanced animals that a science labs throws down there after experienting on them.

If there was ever a movie that Josh Brolin would have been perfect for, it'd be Alligator. We get Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) instead and he plays a disgrunted cop better than most.

You gotta give a movie props that scares you enough to yell out loud. I don't want to give anything away but one of the sewer scenes, Holy Moses.

You have not seen Jaws until you've seen it on the big screen. Period. Jaws blew me away. I'd seen it a few times but on the big screen...I finally understand why this terrified people so much.

The writer of the novel is now one of the leading advocates for shark protection. After Jaws was released, the number of shark slaying raised to incredible numbers. Guess the guy felt he should do something to fix it. I understand how people felt though, after last night I was ready to drain the ocean and kill all of its inhabitants.

The first 50 minutes of Day of the Animals consisted of shots of a tour group hiking intercut with nature show footage. Shot of a group hiking. Completely unreleated shot of a cougar. Shot of a grou hiking. Shot of an owl. On and on and on.

Then Leslie Neilsen wrestles a bear without his shirt on a lighting storm... right after he tried to rape a woman, actually beat up a Jewish mother, and shook the shit out of her little kid.

All the animals are affected by the depleting ozone layer and go crazy. Rats, dogs, bears, wolves, birds, snakes. They're all there. You haven't lived until you see a group of flying rats attack a police officer in his kitchen. You just haven't.

Can you believe that Piranha Part Two: The Spawning was James Cameron's first movie? The man made The Terminator, The Abyss, Aliens, and Titanic! Want the plot? The piranhas are back. They fly now. They kill people. The humans blow up their nest. The end.

Granted, I had already been at the theatre for nine hours by the time this one had started, but even if this has been the first movie, I still wouldn't have been impressed. The synopsis is a lot funnier then the movie, which takes itself extremely seriously. There was one really great scene where a piranha jumps out of a guy's dead chest (a la Alien) and attacks a morgue nurse. Excellent.

The entire event lasted 11 HOURS. But we paced ourselves, ate delicious snacks (including sugar cereal that Jesse gave us!) and worked through all of the films. It was a great events and a fun night.

In conclusion, Jaws is a must-see on the big screen. Phase IV and Alligator are worth buying on DVD. Day of the Animals was worth watching...but barely. Piranha 2: The Spawning was rough, not even really worth watching to laugh at.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Top 11 Female Death Scenes

Entertainment Weekly put out a list of the Top 25 Death Scenes. A quick glance can see that most of the classics are there. The Fargo woodchipper. T-1000 melting. Darth Vader with his mask off. They're all there. But what I noticed was the 4/5 of the list were dying men. Women can die just as good as men, have been since the beginning of time.

Death scenes can be depressing, powerful, exciting, gory, etc. Sometimes they have speeches preceding them. Other times the surprise is what makes them memorable. This list has it all. Here's the Top 11 Female Death Scenes.

11. Terms of Endearment
The most memorable scene of ToE is when the dying mother says goodbye to her sons. It isn't until a little later that she actually dies. But combine the two, and you've got a death scene worthy of being called "number 11."

10. Battle Royale
If you haven't seen this yet, then you're missing out. Forty-two teenage students are put onto an island. They're told that they have three days to kill each other. The last one alive gets to go home. If there's more than one left at the end of the three days, the collars they're all wearing explode creating space between their shoulders and their bowl cuts.

09. Kill Bill
Tarantino knows how to shoot a death scene. Actually, Norifumi Suzuki really knows how. The snow battle scene was an homage to his Sex and Fury (1973). A really bad "little off the top joke" would be in order if this wasn't such a classy establishment.

08. Tenebre
This one's not for the kiddies. It's the second bloodiest scene on the list. Dario Argento loves blood like I love Jack-in-the-Box Jalepeno Peppers dipped in tartar sauce. Don't knock'em 'til you try'em.

07. Bambi
Not as sad as the Artax/Swamp of Sadness scene. Turns out, Artax was a dude. Guess a dead mommy deer will have to do.

06. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This clip from How to Execute a Prisoner...Texas Style has inspired many of the state's greatest executions. Right after this clip, Leatherface shows us how the right spices can make or break your 4th of July BBQ.

05. Suspiria
Argento with another kick-ass death scene. The action comes about two minutes in. Be patient. It's worth it. I hadn't seen anything like this before.
The colors, children, the colors.

04. The Omen
Not quite the Pow-Pow-Power Wheels Damien had been hoping for for his birthday. But I guess this will have to do.

03. Assault on Precinct 13
Powerless without her twin brother Tony, Tia should have tried moving out of the way rather than stopping the bullet with her mind. Maybe she could have blocked it with her Star Case.

02. Thelma & Louise
Say what you will, this is a great death scene. Driving off a cliff instead of going to jail? Damn the Man! Women's lib all the way. Too bad Geena Davis' career is still lying at the bottom of that cliff.

01. Psycho
Speaking of women's lib, here's a scene of a sexy, wet, naked woman getting stabbed to death with a phallic object by a madman dressed up in women's clothing. Never really thought about like that until right now.

What are your favorite death scenes? Leave some comments and become eligible to be like Keith and win next month's HCSTCA!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

5 Villians ROBIN Could Defeat

Christian Bale said recently that he would stop playing Batman if Robin was reintroduced. Apparently Bale has no use for a Boy Wonder sidekick. Robin never gets any respect. The last time we saw him on the big screen, it was in a nipple suit. No, thank you, Mr. Schumacher.

Batman Returns and The Dark Knight have blown up like crazy. People would inject the celluloid into their bloodstreams if they could. To me, there's just something missing without Robin. Maybe I'm just a sap for underrated superheroes, and sidekicks.

So, today I declare my desire for a Robin movie! No Batman, just Robin. It's time that fans of the gymnast-turned-crime fighter stand up and demand quality sidekick entertainment. There are plenty of young, talented actors who could play the part. Just keep Zac Efron the hell away from the set and I'll be happy.

Here's the only problem. Can Robin actually beat any supervillians by himself? He doesn't have any powers. He uses Batman's gadgets. He's really just a glorified circus performer.

That doesn't mean a movie should be made about Robin, the filmmakers just have to make sure that they have the right bad guy involved. So, here's a list of suggestions. Five villains that Robin could face in his very own movie. Oh, and if you click on the links, you'll see who I could cast in each role. Enjoy.

He could fly (thanks to a machine he built). He once got knocked out my Spider-Man's ancient Aunt Mae. He has super strength; but these days, who doesn't (besides Robin)?

The Vulture would make a great villain for the Robin movie because they're both named after birds. Imagine a Robin vs. Vulture movie poster. It could look just like the Alien vs. Predator poster! Sanaa Lathan could co-star.

He's so fat that he can't walk. Without technology, he's can't even use his superpower. His superpower: television. He enslaved people by getting them to watch TV all day long.

The script could revolve around Robin having to compete on a Japanese game show before getting to fight Mojo. If Robin can run on a treadmill while jumping over big teddy bears and eat three mochi balls before falling into the pit of flour, he wins.

If he wins, I'm sure Robin could just punch Mojo in the face once and the ripple effect through the alien's fat pockets would put too much stress on his heart resulting in immediate death.

Another bird-themed villain, this time from Darkwing Duck. A toymaker pushed out of business when video games became more popular than board games, Quackerjack rob banks so that he can keep making toys for sick children.

This is just the type of sick bastard that Robin needs to stop. I'm picturing a bloody brawl in a toy factory like Child's Play 2. Robin will say something like, "Playtime's over, bitch" before shoving the crazed duck-man into a pit of boiling plastic.

Vernimous Skumm
Robin could fight pollution. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he could fight pollution. It's Batman meets An Inconvenient Truth. I'll win an Oscar for Best Original Song and the Super Size Me guy will try to soak up some success by living in a Batcave for 30 days.

If Robin couldn't beat Abra Kadabra the Magician, then he deserves the same fate as Heath Ledger.

Who do you think Robin could beat? Do you think this movie will ever get made? Was it too soon to make a Heath Ledger's dead joke?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Top Comments Award Ceremony

Here at He Shot Cyrus, we love comments like Mormons love minivans. Ever since the birth of HSC, readers from all over the world have left us great feedback and funny comments. Today, we decided to hold the first HE SHOT CYRUS TOP COMMENTS AWARD CEREMONY. The winner of the HSCTCA (rolls off your tongue, doesn't it?) will instantly morph from their present state into the internet's most profound pundit. The stakes are high, I know, but so are most HSC readers. On to the ceremony!

Top 5 Comments
July 2008

5. "I'm deeply disturbed right now and don't like that I really could have saved myself from that."
- Laura after clicking the "rape" picture in the Deliverance post.

"FYI: Southern hospitality is actually a myth. Every single place below the Mason-Dixon is exactly like Deliverance, all the time. Sometimes worse. (Or better, depending on your point of view...)"
- Keith arguing against one of the few points I actually made about Deliverance.

3. "All that said, I bet Joe Piscopo would give his steroid-swollen left arm for the lead in even 'The Haunted Mansion.'"
- Rob from Natsukashi on the decline of Eddie Murphy.

2. "Note: Please do not post a link to a picture of the "Taylor" character (or any other characters) getting raped. Just in case that crossed your mind. Your first photo link summed it up."
- Taylor begging and pleading me not to release the "camping trip" photos.

And the number one comment of July 2008 goes to:

1. "Doomsday was the closest I've come to walking out of a theater in a long time. It was AIDS in film form."
- Keith summing up Doomsday perfectly.

Congratulations, Keith! In honor of your achievement, we've decided to award you with this trophy which you may feel free to place anywhere on you blog. Enjoy all the success it will bring you.

Also, a huge thanks to the following people for commenting on my last few posts. All the links will take you to the commenter's movie blog. Go spread the love you've been giving HSC. Thanks, everyone.

Four Comments:
Megan - Eddie Murphy, Top 7 Lists, My Best Job, and Deliverance

Three Comments:
Daniel G. - Top 7 Lists, My Best Job, and Deliverance
Kaleen - Eddie Murphy, Top 7 Lists and Deliverance

Two Comments:
Fox - Eddie Murphy and Deliverance
Keith - Top 7 Lists and Deliverance
Kim - Top 7 Lists and My Best Job
Piper - The Gingerdead Man and Kung Fu Panda
Taylor - My Best Job and Deliverance

One Comment:
Annie Ha - Top 7 Lists
Chris - My Best Job
Cinexcellence - Top 7 Lists
Derek - The Gingerdead Man
Laura - Deliverance
The Mad Hatter - Eddie Murphy
Marilyn - My Best Job
mc - Eddie Murphy
Natsukashi - Eddie Murphy
Ross Williams - Eddie Murphy
Shaun - Eddie Murphy
Whitney - Deliverance

I'll be holding another one of these in a month. Keep the comments coming, they're what keeps He Shot Cyrus from shutting down and turning into another dry cleaning joint. And really, who needs another one of those?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Cast Your Friends: Deliverance (1972)

Do you ever cast your friends in the movies you watch? Anytime there's a group of guys hanging out, that's when my friends' faces start popping up on screen. Apparently, my friends and I have such specific personality types, all so different from one another, that Hollywood producers use us for models of male friendship.

My friends Taylor, Brad, Ryan, and I make up our core group. Taylor gets cast as the smart guy who always speaks as the voice of reason. You know, the one most likely to survive. Brad plays the manly-man who'll punch a bird out of the sky if he's hungry. Ryan's the cool, quiet guy whose funeral the rest of the group reunite to attend. I swear, Ryan's character almost always dies within the first fifteen minutes.

I'm the clown, the one who keeps everyone's spirits up...sometimes at the expense of the group's safety. Taylor's character tells me to stop fooling around, Brad's character threatens to stab me with the spear he's just carved out of a pine tree, and Ryan...well, he doesn't say anything; he's dead.

Usually these movies are comedies, sometimes light dramas, Edward Burns' filmography comes to mind. So does Without a Paddle, sadly. Apparently everyone else got the memo to wait for a DVD release, as I was completely alone in the theatre. Anyway, last night, I watched Deliverance. I know what you're thinking. Please don't tell me you cast your friends in Deliverance. Well, I couldn't help it.

For those of you unfamiliar with Deliverance, here's a quick synopsis. A group of friends decide to take a canoe trip down the Cahulawassee River before a dam is put into place which will turn it into a giant lake. Along the way, a group of toothless rednecks decide to terrorize them.

Here's a breakdown of the main characters. Jon Voight plays the heroic everyman. When placed into a crazy situation, he rises to the occasion and kicks some major ass. Unlike other "Ryan" characters, he actually lives past the first fifteen minutes. Burt Reynolds, seen here without a mustache, is the manly-man who takes out anything from halibut to hillbillies with his bow and arrow. He's the "Brad" character.

The "Taylor" character is played by Ronny Cox. He's the guy who's way too intelligent to be rafting down Georgian rivers with overall-wearing rednecks hiding in the bushes. Ned Beatty plays the "Me" character. He whines at the first sight of outdooriness and would rather just hang out at home than float down white-water rapids in an aluminum gravy boat.

Everything's going fine. Then I get raped.

You clicked on that link, didn't you? Well, either way, this movie gets pretty crazy for a mainstream thriller from the early 70s. It's nothing compared to the gruesomeness and gag-reflex inspiring antics of Last House on the Left or I Spit on Your Grave but it's an attention-grabber throughout.

One of the strongest points the film makes is not to generalize all people from the South as backwood booty burglars and to point out that Southern hospitality still exists even when chubby, curly-haired guys get molested amidst God's wilderness. Bastards.

What I learned last night was that while casting your buddies in a movie might seem fun, sometimes people get hurt...anally. Let's keep the casting up to the professionals, shall we?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

My Best Job

Want to get a job at a movie theatre? Try watching the same film (the only film they're showing) seven times in a week. That should get the owner's attention. That's exactly what I did. The historic Granada Theater was showing some film called Tortilla Soup. I had nothing to do one night, thought I'd check it out.

From the first second, the film's music and colors grabbed me and guided me through ninety agreeable minutes. I went back the next night. I took a friend the night after that. Tortilla Soup and I became quick friends. So did my future boss and I.

9/11 had just happened and people were acting all funny. Some people weren't going to movies much anymore. Some couldn't get enough, maybe they were trying to enjoy every last moment of freedom. My movie habits didn't change. Seeing a movie seven times in theatres is no new experience for me.

During those first few nights, the owner, Howard, and I chatted about what a good movie this was. A Latino remake of Ang Lee's Eat Drink Man Woman, it focused on the food just as much as it did the characters. Not a film for everyone, a bit corny for some, less of a masterpiece than I had described it, etc.

Something about the movie and something about the theatre kept bringing me back. I never considered applying for a job until the seventh night. By then, Howard and I were talking film all the time. He would tell me how, way back in the day, the theatre used to give out dishware to every customer. Mondays would be a plate, Tuesdays would be a cup, etc. You'd have to come every night to get an entire set. Apparently it worked. Decades later, the theatre was still up and running.

From the lobby, I could see into the back room. It was filled with movie posters. In high school, my room was 100% covered in posters. You couldn't see the walls/ceiling at all. I don't know why we even bothered painting. Getting my hands on these posters would be like finding the Holy Grail.

My friend and I offered to work for free posters but I wound up getting a real job offer. I started two days later. Next thing I knew, I was tearing tickets, popping popcorn, and cleaning up after the messiest people in the county. It was the greatest!

Working at a movie theatre was a dream come true. Free movies. Free food. Talking about film all day. I even got to help my boss choose which movies to play! We decided to run El Crimen del padre Amaro, a controversial film about a Catholic priest who has a relationship with a teenage girl. Every night, the place was packed. Half way through the film, the place was half empty. People were storming out of the theatre, yelling at me like I had made the movie.

I worked at the Granada until the business sold. The last two films we played were My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Chicago. We closed the doors after letting out sell-out crowds. The people who bought the Granada promised that they would still continue to cater to the Art House crowds. After playing The Pianist for a single week, the marquee read "Vin Diesel in A Man Apart." Sad.

Today, the Granada no longer plays movies. My boss moved across the country without giving anyone his address. I moved to another town and got a job at a corporate video store. I'll have to write a "My Worst Job" post later. Every time I'm back in town, I drive past my best workplace. It houses a community theatre group now. Sad.

Working at a one-screen, art house movie theatre was my best job. Somehow, Hollywood Video and Circuit City can't really compete. If I can say one last thing, it would be to tell you to support independently owned businesses. Especially movie theatres. Get to know the employees. Make it a habit to drive the extra ten minutes to the tiny movie house. Maybe you'll get a job there and have an excellent eighteen months filled with free nachos and movie posters.

Kung Fu Panda...a Rip Off?

Kung Fu Panda's been out for a while now. I saw it, enjoyed it, identified with the main character. Overall, Dreamworks impressed me. However, for the last month, I've been reading/browsing reviews looking for someone to make the same connection I made with the movie.

This is going to highlight how nerdy I really am.

The whole time I was watching Kung Fu Panda, I couldn't stop thinking about a Super Nintendo game called "Brutal: Paws of Fury." Does anyone remember this game besides me? Someone called "Davidspackage" (heh) on the Something Awful forums thought back to Brutal just like I did.

It's a fighting game, think Street Fighter meets Animal Planet. Asian sounding music played as the animals kicked the cartoon crap out of each other. There's no panda bear, but Ivan the Bear met all your Ailuropoda melanoleuca needs.

Here's a fifteen minute series of clips from Brutal gameplay. I knew it's what you wanted.

While no one at Dreamworks has probably ever even heard of Brutal, you've got to admit, there are some similarities. My rip off theory is even more disproved thanks to the fact that Tiger, Monkey, Snake, Mantis, and Crane are all martial art styles. Maybe Pixar will try to jump on the fighting animal bandwagon and make a big-screen adaptation of one of my favorite childhood games.

That's pretty much all I had to say about Kung Fu Panda and Brutal: Paws of Fury. Anyone else out there in blog-o-land happen to remember this game? I know someone must.

The Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch: The Gingerdead Man

When I saw this at Blockbuster, I swore I would never watch it. Guess I was wrong. The Gingerdead Man made my Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch List. Let me tell you, it deserved to be there.

The movie is not funny, not entertaining in any way, and not worth watching for any reason. At least it was short. The total running time of The Gingerdead Man was 61 minutes. This shit plot couldn't even make an entertaining commercial.

Gary Busey, a wonky-eyed psychopath, "stars" in this straight-to-DVD sewage plant. This guy needs to just go away. Even the role of Millard Findlemeyer, robber of diners, was too much for this sad bastard.

This lady died fourteen seconds in. She was the lucky one.

The graphics were straight out of the early 80s.
It made Puppet Master look like Lord of the Rings.

The death scenes were just as bad as I expected.
Why actually entertain an audience?
You've already got their $4.25.

The characters: they throw pies in each other's faces.
The score: straight-up carnival music (with every instrument played on a keyboard).
The dialogue: "Who can kick your ass? The candyman can, bitch!"

That's it, I'm done. Fuck the Gingerdead Man.

Friday, July 11, 2008

7 Words about 7 Movies

Joe said He Shot Cyrus needed more Top 5 Lists. Top 5? Try TOP 7!
Here they are, folks.
Three lists. Seven months. Seven movies. Seven words.

Also, you should write your own lists.
These lists are really get some conversations going.
Tell me what you love. Tell me what you hate.
Thanks in advance.

Top 7 Movies of the Year ( far...)

7. The Flight of the Red Balloon
Minimalist homage to a
French childhood favorite.

6. Miss Pettigrew
Lives for a Day

Adorable Amy Adams.
Acting Goddess
Frances McDormand.

5. Be Kind Rewind
Made by someone who
really loves movies.

4. Dear Zachary: A Letter
to a Son About His Father
Have to see it to believe it.

3. The Strangers
I liked it more
than most people.

2. The Fall
Visually stunning.
Mind-blowingly beautiful.
Thanks, Kaleen!

1. Shotgun Stories
Best 2008 movie you haven't seen yet.

Top 7 I Want to See

7. Funny Games - Shot-by-shot remake. Worth watching again?
6. The Visitor - It's probably better than the trailer looks.
5. My Blueberry Nights - Wong Kar-Wai + Norah Jones = my excitement
4. Paranoid Park - Strongly recommended by a friend. Movie night?
3. Teeth - She has teeth in her vagina! WHAT?
2. In Bruges - People keep telling me it's actually great.
1. The Wackness - 1994 Soundtrack: Biggie, Nas, Tribe, Wu-Tang, Biz

Top 7 Disappointments

7. Great technique, could have done much more
- Cloverfield
6. Just kidding, I knew it'd be terrible - 27 Dresses
5. Only took fifteen to solve the mystery - 88 Minutes
4. Why, Tina Fey, why? Back to TV! - Baby Mama
3. At least there wasn't a twist ending... - The Happening
2. Loved his other work, not this one - Meet the Browns
1. Ripped off fifteen movies all at once - Doomsday

There you go. Let me know what you think. Now, write up your own lists!