Endings Blog-a-Thon: Identity (2003)

A group of strangers stuck in a motel overnight watch the rain flood their surroundings. Then the bodies start piling up. The ragtag group stumble around, point fingers, and fail to come up with any concrete leads. The motel scenes intercut with a group of psychologists evaluating a crazy-looking patient. Watching the film, I was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea for a screenplay. A murder mystery that completely takes place in a schizophrenic guy's brain. You'd watch the film unfold and try to figure out why things aren't making sense. In the end, the plot's just the glitches and slips of a malfunctioning brain.

Hot.

Heads are rolling around clothes dryers and my mind's spinning around my great new movie idea. Visions of opening my own Planet Hollywood and marrying Diane Lane slap a permanent smile on my face. No one is more creative than me. Bow down, Coen brothers. My movie is going to change the world.

My newly-greenlit project goes through quite a few name changes. Head Games and It's All in Your Head both fail to test well with audiences. They were able to guess the ending or something.

A conference call with our casting agents left things looking pretty grim. Daniel Stern and Bonnie Hunt both became attached to the newly re-written Mind Murder. Paul Ruebens signed on to play the crazy guy which led to Bonnie Hunt's agent informing us of her inability to star in our film.

Principal photography goes surprisingly smoothly. Variety prints an article announcing Walter Hill's comeback. The film screens for the LA and NY critics and is loved by each one of them. Limited releases in September, wide release just in time for the Halloween crowds. People are stopping the stars on the street, telling them, "What an ending! I never saw it coming! Genius." I'm hailed as the new "M. Night" by Mr. Shyamalan himself which I took to be a half-compliment.

My secretary was fielding phone calls from authors begging me to adapt their books. My favorite directors sent me copies of their films with notes attatched reading "Remake Me, Please." Things were certainly looking up for Mr. Gringo.

Then I watched the end of Identity.
It's all taking place in the crazy guy's brain.
Goodbye hopes and dreams.

Three Scenes I Love: John Cusack

Say Anything - The Boombox Scene

Arguably John Cusack's most famous moment, the boom box scene is a staple in any discussion of great 80s movies. Knowing that I won't ever pull off anything as smooth, cool, and romantic as this is a difficult realization. And the song choice? Who knew that Peter Gabriel would have wooed a pen-giving A++ student into giving a kickboxing guy named Lloyd another chance?

High Fidelity - The Fantasy Scene

No explanation needed.

Better Off Dead - "I Want My Two Dollars"

I just love the lines Cusack comes up with. You have to wonder if they were scripted or improvised. "My brother got his arm stuck in the microwave." To those who haven't seen Better Off Dead yet, if 80s wackiness sounds like a worthwhile way to spend ninety minutes of your weekend, this is the film to devote those minutes to. There are parts of Dead that will have you shaking you head with a confused look on your face--guess what? Those are my favorite parts. Also, doesn't that foreign exchange student look like that fat guy from All That? If you know the two people I'm talking about, thank you for being the reason I made this site.

Guys I'd Go Gay For

It's Man-Crush Thursday here at He Shot Cyrus. This just couldn't wait for Man-Crush Monday. Caitlin over at 1416 and Counting just created a mega-post dedicated to the men in her life. All those interested in looking at picture of attractive fellas, go check it out. But not before you leave some comments listing your most beautiful beaus.

Remember, every comment you leave makes you eligible for next month's He Shot Cyrus Top Comment Award. This month's winner, Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor, will continue to receive publicity like this along with his JPEG trophy.

On to the Guys I'd Go Gay For list:

John Cusack - I recently figured this one out. I want to be Rob Gordon. He's owns a record store. He used to be a DJ. Making mixes for people is his greatest joy. He's dated gorgeous women. Also, he is constantly making Top 5 lists. What more could I guy want? Plus, he's hot.

I like going record shopping. I dream of being a DJ. People get mixes from me even when they don't ask for them. I'm dating a gorgeous girl right now. I make Top 5 lists all the time. Want to know my Top 5 John Cusack Performances? 1. Rob in High Fidelity 2. Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything 3. Martin Q. Blank in Grosse Point Blank 4. Gib in The Sure Thing 5. Eddie Thomas in American Sweethearts

Gael Garcia Bernal - Not only is this guy the hottest man alive, he also takes the best role choices. He's the adulterous priest in the imaginative dreamer in The Science of Sleep, and the young Che Guevara in The Motorcycle Diaries. He's the type of good looking that makes you convince yourself you'll die looking like John C. Reilly.

Sidney Poitier - An oldie but a goodie. He's hotter than Clark Gable. Hotter than Gregory Peck. Even hotter than Cary Grant. That's right, I said it! And in the heat of the night, he'll make you call him MISTER Tibbs. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Jason Bateman - John Krasinski didn't make the list because when he's not on The Office, I could go either way. I have more of a man-crush on Bateman than on his character from Arrested Development. Juno, Hancock, and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium proved that. This man is adorable. Adorable.

Denzel Washington - This man has charisma like no other. He could talk anyone into doing anything. And I do mean anything. Now he's remaking one of my favorite 70s thrillers, The Taking of Pelham 123. This just keep getting better and better.

Taye Diggs - There hasn't been a better looking couple since Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan reminisced about watching Slick Rick, Doug E. Fresh, and Dana Dane in a cypher circle circa 1984. Wait, you didn't see Brown Sugar? Shame. If you love hip-hop and talking about hip-hop, you should. Back to the man of the moment, you probably know him as the announcer from Chicago. Smooth, good looking, nice smile. Not as charismatic as Denzel, but pretty close.


Jonah Hill - If you don't think this guy's sexy, I'm taking it personally. He's attractive, damn it!


There you go, the guys I'd go gay for. EVERYBODY, leave a comment with your own lists. Thanks!

7 Movies That Are Better Than The Godfather

7 Movies That Are Better Than The Godfather

Everyone knows that The Godfather is the most overrated film of all time. I don't even think that half of the people who talk about it have ever even seen it. Seriously, who has actually taken the time to get through this thing? It's like 5 1/2 hours and it's completely in Italian with no subtitles! I'm not planning on taking a language class just to watch some movie about a bunch of old men and their Catholic ceremonies.

Peter Griffin sums it all up here in this kinetic typographic display of genius.

So, here's seven movies that I'd suggest renting instead of The Godfather. I promise that all of the languages are English and that none of these movies insist upon themselves. Enjoy.

1. Jane Austen's Mafia!

If you want a movie about the mafia, save yourself the time and buy a copy of this Mafia! I could make a Top Ten list just covering the different ways Jim Abrahams' masterpiece is a better film than The Godfather. First off, the acting is superb. If any of you happened to catch The Godfather, maybe on late-night cable somewhere, congratulations. It was hard for me too.

If you happened to make it more than five minutes in, I'm sure you realized that Al Pacino's character, Michael Corleone, was a complete rip-off of Jay Mohr's Tony Cortino. It's disgusting. I'm sure lawsuits were filed. Acting legend, Lloyd Bridges outshines Marlon Brando (The Island of Dr. Moreau), like a bucket of shoe polish at a Bostonian/Clarks outlet store.

I know there'll always be copycats, but I just wish they'd leave the classics alone. Don't waste your time with the knock-offs, do yourself the favor of watching Mafia!, the only mob movie with an exclamation point in it's title (until Coppola decides to rip that off as well).

2. The Happening

*SPOILER ALERT*
The Godfather blows compared to The Happening.
*SPOILER ALERT*

3. House Arrest

The kids in House Arrest wrote the book on how to be successful criminals. Sure, racketeering and murder are nice, but these kids locked their parents in the basement! In the basement! That's below the house!

When Ned and Janet Beindorf tell their children that they'll be divorcing, these little sociopaths decide that they've had enough. Stacey and Grover get their angry friends together and start taking over, house by house. Sound familiar? The mafia might take over an entire borough, but these sicko will come in your home!

Plus, all those Godfather fogies are old! I'm sure it's easy to get away with crimes when you have 60+ years of experience and driver's licenses. I'd like to see Don Vito pull off a successful double kidnapping when he was in middle school. I truly, truly doubt he would have had the foresight to call in sick to his dad's office using his "deep voice" in order to avoid suspicion. I truly doubt it.

4. Must Love Dogs

John Cusack. Diane Lane. Need I say more? No, I need not.

5. Kids

If my last post didn't prove this point already then allow me to explain once more. The best movies don't have plots. Ignore what those purist, hipster bastards from Cahiers du Cinéma keep trying to tell you. They do not know what they're talking about.

Coppola tries over and over again to keep a cohesive story going. If he knew anything about filmmaking, he would have just hired his friends to just sit around and have sex with underage teens. It worked for Roman Polanski.

6. Carpool

Another masterful piece of cinema featuring brilliant criminals and their intricate schemes. Unlike House Arrest, the criminal's age is a little older, his weight a little higher, his relation to Rosanne Barr a little closer. All that aside, Carpool is the modern day Rafifi.

A struggling carnival owner (Tom Arnold) decides to rob a gourmet grocery store to make some extra carny cash. When two other holdup men interrupt his robbery, Franklin Laszlo, is forced to take a hostage. Unfortunately for him, the hostage he chooses is in charge of his SON'S CARPOOL! The minivan filled with preteen rambunctiousness isn't heading to school today. It's actually heading on an action-packed afternoon which finds them being chased by an irate meter maid through a shopping mall.

Sounds better than some movie about an "aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfering control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son," doesn't it? Well, it is. Lots better. Also, did I mention that the irate meter maid is played by Rhea Perlman?

I thought that might do it for you.

7. The Godfather: Part III

Coppola finally gets it right! It took the archaic filmmaker almost thirty years to make a decent mafia movie. The characters are believable, the action is unforgettable, and the art direction is like looking into God's eyes and having him tell you that you are a good person.

Where the first two movies fail (can you believe they made three of these???) the third succeeds. We're just lucky they didn't decide to let a sleeping dog lie. After the second one, I was pretty sure that sleeping dog was dead. I just wish that someone would get off their keister and make a third Chinatown movie. The movie world's aching for it. How could it not be fantastic.

Al Pacino and Diane Keaton dish out the performances of their lifetimes. Forget what you saw from them earlier, I'm telling you, everything falls into place in The Godfather: Part III. This is the Godfather movie everyone's going to be talking about! It's a lot like the third Ninja Turtles movie where they go back in time and help out a Japanese village. Or the third Back to the Future movie where they go back in time and help out a Western town. It's a lot like these movies, except that no one goes back in time and no one helps anyone out.

Don't go check out the other blog-a-thon entries at Lazy Eye Theatre.

Say Anything - Dads in Media Blog-a-thon

Sunday marks the 100th Father's Day celebrated in the U.S. In honor of fathers everywhere, RC, over at Strange Culture, is hosting a "Dads in Media" blog-a-thon! That's right folks, a blog-a-thon.

Two movie dads jumped out at me right away. The first was Armand Goldman (Robin Williams) from The Birdcage. The second was John Court (John Mahoney) from Say Anything. Each of these could easily be found in my Top Twenty Movies lists but which one is the most blog worthy dad?

The first pretends to be heterosexual just to impress his son's Republican in-laws-to-be. The second scams money from nursing home residents in order to provide for his studious daughter. I've decided to write about John Court. Armand has a large support system backing him up but John is all on his own. Also, Say Anything develops the parent/child relationship a lot more than The Birdcage.

I recently saw Say Anything at San Francisco's greatest movie house, The Castro Theatre. Every couple months, this rad dude named Jesse Hawthorne puts on MIDNITES FOR MANIACS. Jesse's "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" Midnight Triple Feature featured Lucas, My Bloody Valentine, and this 1989 Cameron Crowe love story. Hopefully, you've all seen this by now and share my opinions on it. If you haven't seen Say Anything then you make Barbara Bush cry. You can bet I don't have proof of that.

* The first thing everyone thinks about when they think of Say Anything is how gorgeous John Cusack is.
* The second thing they think about is how he just might be the male version of Diane Lane...at least in gorgeousness.
* The third thing they think about is "I don't think either of those two things are true. Scott shouldn't speak for everyone like that."
* The fourth thing I think about is how Must Love Dogs should have been better.
* The fifth thing some people think about might be, "wow, what an awesome dad."

["What the hell is he talking about?"]

Single dad. Widower. Victim of an IRS Tax Audit. John is trying his best.

Dads get a bad rap. I come from a house where "The Simpsons" was off-limits. Other kids couldn't watch it because of the crudeness or the language but we couldn't watch because Homer was painted to be a bad dad. John Court is painted to be a good dad. He's funny, he's loving, and he'll do anything for his daughter, even if it lands him behind bars. John goes to jail because he loves his daughter too much...wait a second... that sounded wrong.

Let's start over. A single father. A widower. John tries to give Diane everything she wants. As it turns out, the only thing she wants is knowledge. Accepted to a top school in Europe, Diane has a couple months before she's off to begin the rest of her life. John's supportive and that's awesome. He's sad to see her leave, but he's more happy to see her succeed.

Enter Lloyd Dobler. A recent high school graduate, Lloyd plans on jumping into this crazy new sport called "kickboxing." He seems to be on the fast track to nowhere and he wants desperately to date John's daughter. John has him over for dinner where Lloyd makes a fool of himself, yet somehow, Diane still seems to be interested. She begins to spend more and more time with Lloyd and less and less time with her dad.

John handles things pretty well considering the circumstances. Diane's not going to be around for much longer. Lloyd doesn't appear to be a dream son-in-law. The amount of time he gets to spend with his daughter/best friend is getting shorter and shorter. He's getting pushed out of her life. If you asked me, I'd say he handled things pretty damn well.

Dads everywhere! Learn from John Court's example. Treat your children like adults and they will act like adults. Diane make her own decisions, and John supports her. Seems pretty simple doesn't it? Well, what about when the kid does something you don't like?

When Diane goes out to a party, she calls. When she's stuck on a life decision, she asks her dad about it. When she tells him that she just slept with Lloyd ...wait for it... he reacts calmly. Woah, maybe this is where that "movie magic" comes into play.



Quiz time!

Question #1: Your daughter comes home early one morning. She hasn't called. You've been up all night worrying. She tells you that she just slept with some wannabe Karate Kid in the backseat of her car. What do you do?

Do you: A. punch her square in the face? B. talk openly and calmly with your daughter, giving her any support she might need? C. ignore the problem, "America's Got Talent" is on.

If you answered "A," seek counseling. If you answered "B," you're either a liar or a better parent than I'll ever be. Shame on you or congratulations. If you answered "C," then did you see last week when that old lady tap danced like she was in a David Lynch movie? Scary, huh? Also, you kid just snuck out the window.



As great as John is, he's no angel. As most of you know, John is a CRIMINAL! He's supportive of his daughter but he supports her with STOLEN MONEY! Working at an old folks home provides plenty of opportunities for making that long paper. Elderly people = Easy payday. Okay, so John likes to help out old people in exchange for money that should rightfully go to their loved ones. But he IS their loved ones. When people don't come to visit their forgotten family members, they should have to forfeit all death profits. Forgetting Grandpa = Forget about that 20 Grand. Too bad the IRS doesn't see it that way.

In the second to last scene, we find John donning an orange jumpsuit. He got caught big time. Summer's over and Diane's off to Europe. How does she repay her dad for all the sacrifices he made to keep food on the table and $9,000 jukeboxes on the table? She sends her boyfriend and a letter. Enter Lloyd Dobler. In one of the most captivating scenes of the entire movie, John goes off on Lloyd, yelling "I don't deserve to lose my daughter!" Apparently, fraud was one of Diane's hot buttons. In a bittersweet ending, Diane and Lloyd take off into the air and far away from her dad.

John Court is a great dad. He does what he has to do to get by. Too bad hurting families (including his own), stealing money, and cheating the government was what he had to do. I wonder what he'll have to do to get by in prison. Yikes. Kids, don't let the bad outweigh the good. Diane quickly forgets how her dad listened, comforted, advised, provided, joked, loved her, and so much more. If there's a moral to be taken away from Say Anything it's that you are going to leave your dad to be beaten and raped in jail while you and your slacker boyfriend go live in Europe...say "goodbye" first. Happy Father's Day.

Here's something for the Google Searchers. Enjoy!

Download: Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes (Say Anything Soundtrack) (zShare)

Download: Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes (Say Anything Soundtrack) (Rapidshare)