Lethal Weapon: Father of Garbage

Who doesn't love Lethal Weapon? Mel Gibson and Danny Glover team up to kick in Gary Busey's mutant teeth. There's car chases, explosions, and nudity. Everything a growing boy needs. But Mike Lippert's super-list isn't about praising the originals, it's about blaming them for the shit that followed their fame. For every Halloween, there's a hundred cheap knockoffs trying to ride its coattails. Lethal Weapon is no exception. Often honored as ultimate Buddy Cop movie, Richard Donner's 1987 action classic inspired a lot of garbage. Here's a look at said trash.

The truly amazing thing about the Buddy Cop gene is its diversity. Cowboy movies usually consisted of white cowboys teaming up with other white cowboys, with the occasional Indian or female exception. But for the most part, the duos looked pretty similar to one another. These movies, however, have ran the gamete on cop combos.

Your more simple pairings have black cops teaming up with white cops. There's white cops teaming up with asian cops. Black cops and asian cops. What about a Russian cop that's forced to work with an American cop? Well, Racial differences are nothing compared to the variations coming up.

Throw age into the mix. Young white cop and old asian cop. Old white cop (who's also an expert in asian culture) and a black cop (who's not). Two old white cops, one of whom might be a cop killer (I'm suspecting amnesia has something to do with it).

Sometimes are there extenuating circumstances surrounding the officers. What if the cops were also reality TV stars? What if they were actually security guards? How about a black cop and a white cop who're also brothers? The possibilities are limitless. A young white cop teams up with a sassy black cab driver? Ooh! I'm getting excited now. How about a straight-laced cop is forced to team up with a rough-around-the edges cop? Think The Odd Couple meets Lethal Weapon!

Their partners don't even have to be human. Dog cops, dinosaur cops, alien cops. And if their partners don't have to be human, you better believe they don't have to fight humans either. Human cops vs. aliens. Alien cops vs. alien baddies. There's even a movie where they fight zombies with a passion for armed robbery.

And last, there are the Buddy Cop movies where half of the duo aren't! even! cops! Why team up with a trained police officer when you can fight crime with bratty little kids (a.k.a. your worse nightmare, a.k.a. a nine-year-old with a badge) or sassy taxi drivers (a.k.a. my dream lady, a.k.a Queen Latifah)?

So, let's all thank Lethal Weapon for Showdown in Little Tokyo, Showtime, Tango & Cash, Dead Heat, Rising Sun, Red Heat, Bulletproof, Theodore Rex, Collision Course, Cop and a Half, Money Train, Turner and Hooch, Taxi, Cradle 2 the Grave, K-9, Alien Nation, National Security, Hollywood Shuffle, The Glimmer Man, Righteous Kill, and the hundreds of other Buddy Cop movies that came after it.

Musical Blog-a-Thon: Krush Groove

Starting on May 30th, Encore's World of Film & TV is hosting a Musical Blog-a-Thon. Andrew asked me to write about my favorite musical. As it happens, I discovered my favorite musical just last night. Krush Groove.

Don't get me wrong, Rogers and Hammerstein were masters of their craft, but room-rockers they were not. Give me Hollis, Queens over Oklahoma any day. Krush Groove fictionalizes the story of Def Jam Records humble beginnings. Blair Underwood steps in to play Russell Walker (a.k.a. Russell Simmons) but almost every other role (like Rick Rubin!) is played by the real Def Jam figures. Run-DMC, Kurtis Blow, Shelia E., The Fat Boys, LL Cool J, Beastie Boys, and even New Edition play themselves and perform throughout the movie.

Krush Groove's conflict is pretty dramatic. All of the pressure of running a startup record label falls onto Russell's shoulders. He has help from Rubin and other associates but the financial burden is his responsibility. When the banks and investors all turn him down, Russell decides to take a loan from the shady loan shark everyone's warned him about. This startup money is enough to get the label going but unfortunately, by that time, all of his groups have signed with someone else. He's left with no artists, no money, and a pissed-off gangster looking to collect. In the end, his friends eventually pitch in and help him pay off his debts. Apparently, harsh beatings are often the wake-up calls people need to help a friend.

The real fun of Krush Groove is in the performances. About half of the film is scenes of rappers and singers performing either on stage for an audience or just out in public with a mix of diegetic and non-diegetic music. In one scene, The Fat Boys sing their song "All You Can Eat" while scarfing down pizza at a Sabarro. It might sound like a Weird Al music video but this is what hip-hop was like in the mid-80s. A lot of screentime is given to Sheila E. who I officially have a crush on after this movie. She sings, dances, and even plays the drums and she looks hot doing it. Krush Groove is a priceless piece of hip-hop history. Anyone with a love for the early days of commercial hip-hop should look no further. And while you're at it, pick up Beat Street, Wild Style, Breakin', and Style Wars.

Month of Horror - Day 22: Twilight Zone: The Movie

One of my favorite bloggers, Jason Soto, is hosting the

Reasons Not to Have Kids blog-a-thon.

His site, Invasion of the B-Movies is super rad,

it won a Lammy, and y'all should read it.

Some might consider my Eraserhead post to be evidence enough for the "no kids" arguement but I had other plans. Joe Dante is one of my favorite directors. Matinee, Gremlins, and the savagely underrated TV show "Eerie, Indiana" were all given to us, as precious gifts, from Mr. Dante. Someone throw a virgin in a volcano, the world needs more of his work!

Growing up, "The Twilight Zone" was one of my favorite shows. In 1983, Dante teamed up with three other directors to construct a feature-length film comprised of four segments, three episode remakes and one original story.

Dante's segment featured one of the scariest children of all time. His name is Anthony and he's fuckin' ALL FUCKING POWERFUL. The limits to this kid's supernatural abilities would shock even David Blaine. Want proof?

He'll make you pull a fucking rabbit out of your
goddamn top hat!

He'll fucking turn your fucking front porch
into a goddamn giant eyeball!

He'll wish your fucking ass into cartoon land!

Hope you don't like talking or eating because
he'll wish your fucking mouth off!

Get the picture?

Let's look at Anthony's competition.

The Children of the Corn -- Attack people if they enter a corn field.
Anthony -- Can turn people into a corn field.

Girl from The Ring -- Crawls through television screens. Looks scary.
Anthony -- Can put you in a television. Is scary.

Regan from The Exorcist -- Possessed by the devil. Defeated by religious faith.
Anthony -- Is pretty much God.

Anthony = Scariest child on film since Tatum O'Neil in Paper Moon.

Top 10 Guilty Pleasures

I realize that He Shot Cyrus has become a bit list heavy as of late, but when Invasion of the B Movies put on a guilty pleasures blog-a-thon I decided it was time for another. Here are my Top 10 Guilty Pleasures and a few reason you might want to check them out:

10. Born in East LA

A. The Waas Sappening montage.
B. A Cheech Marin trifecta: acting, writing, and directing!
C. Paul Rodriguez thinking God's in Tijuana.

09. Con Air














A. Nic Cage (a.k.a. Mr. Bangkok Dangerous)'s Southern drawl.
B. Nic Cage (a.k.a. Mr. Bangkok Dangerous)'s receding hairline.
C. Nic Cage (a.k.a. Mr. Bangkok Dangerous)'s dialogue:
"Put... the bunny... back... in the box."


08. Face/Off









A. The plot. They. SWITCH. Faces.
B. Margaret Cho's worst performance to date.
C. Nic Cage (a.k.a. Mr. Bangkok Dangerous)'s dialogue:
"Wooowhee. You good lookin'. It's like looking into a mirror. Only...not."


07. Sudden Death














A. I have no excuses for Sudden Death.
B.
C.


06. Big Bully














A. Cool Evil Knievel action figure.
B. Rick Moranis isn't making movies any more.
Maybe it's time to catch up on his older stuff?
C. Don't watch this movie. It's not very good.

05. UHF














A. Ghandi II
B. Conan the Librarian
C. Drinking from the fire hose.

04. House Arrest














A. Because it's about kids living the dream.
B. It's 1/5 of Amy Sakasitz's oeuvre.
C. Because Prehysteria and Remote are both checked out.

03. Carpool

A. Rips off the Blues Brothers driving-through-the-mall scene.

B. Rhea Perlman plays a hell-bent meter maid.
C. David muthafuckin' Paymer! You know he's the man.

02. The Stupids














Why should you watch The Stupids?
A. Because it's the third movie on this list to star Tom Arnold.
B. Because when it comes to Bug Hall, Little Rascals just wasn't enough.
C. Because you're stupid and you relate to the characters because you're stupid.

01. Steel Magnolias











A. If you don't like Julia Roberts, guess what? She dies.
B. Because M'Lynn, Truvy, Ouiser, and Drum are great names.
C. You know you want to take a whack at whack at Ouiser.

One You Ought to See: The Unknown

The Unknown (1927)

Lon Chaney, the Man of a Thousand Faces, plays a circus performer named Alonzo the Armless. A professional knife-thrower, he uses his feet to dazzle crowds with his dangerous talent. Alonzo falls in love with Nanon Zanzi, a fellow circus performer. She claims to hate the feeling of a man's arms wrapped around her. Everything seems perfect for the pair but Alonzo has a couple huge secrets from his past. The Unknown explores the lengths will a man go to for his true love.

Spoilers Section Below

Alonzo decides to propose to Nanon. There's only one problem. His arms aren't really missing. Years ago, Alonzo had committed a murder. Since then, he's bound his arms under a corset, learning how to use his feet for everyday tasks.


One bright idea. A little blackmail. Some unethical surgery. And presto! Alonzo's got no arms.

All is looking well for Alonzo. That is, until he finds out that Nanon has fallen for a sideshow strongman. Guess she got over her dislike for arms. Our armless antihero decides that this romance will be short-lived. But something goes wrong when he attempts to sabotage the strongman's stunt. Alonzo jumps in front of a bucking horse, saving his love's life, but sacrificing his own. In the end, the strongman and Nanon live happily ever after.

End of Spoilers Section

The movie only runs 63 minutes long. The reason I decided to recommend this movie is because it's wildly entertaining, even for people who don't usually enjoy silent/black-and-white films. There just aren't that many plots as rad as the plot of The Unknown.

The film's director, Tod Browning, is best known for his 1932 feature, Freaks. Freaks deserves a post of its own. Browning got his start with D.W. Griffith (Birth of a Nation, Intolerance) and worked from 1917 to 1939. Spanning from silents to talkies, his career is filled with impressive horror films including the Universal Pictures classic, Dracula .

Chaney and Browning made ten films together. In only nine years. In those films, Chaney played gangsters, a ventriloquist, a magician, a hypnotist, and even a character named "Singapore Joe." I haven't seen that one yet, but I'd bet my oversized gong that it's devilishly racist.

The Unknown recently played at the San Francisco Silent Film Festival. Sadly, I missed that screening but after hearing lots of praise from friends, it moved to the top of my Netflix queue. This is one of the craziest silent films I've seen. If you're a fan of Chaney, Browning, or entertaining movies, then this is one you ought to see.

[This post is part of Cinema Fist's weekly blog-a-thon. This week's topic: black-and-white cinema.]

Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon: Fatal Attraction

Cinexcellence is hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon.
Synopsis: pick up a DVD you normally wouldn't, watch it, write a little something.

For those of you who've never seen Fatal Attraction, this is the movie that teaches you that cheating on your spouse leads to the death of your child's pet. Every time. If you cheat, Mr. Tiddilywinks gets put in the wood chipper. Every time.

In short, Michael Douglas plays a businessman who has an affair with a co-worker, Glenn Close. Shortly afterward, she turns into a crazy ass stalker. She does all the usual stuff: nighttime phone calls, creepy mixtapes, destruction of property, etc. But then she goes above and beyond her stalker duties. Wrist slitting, (fake?) pregnancies, and Whitesnake hair. She's a real sicko.

Right away, the title made sense to me. Anyone who finds Glenn Close attractive deserves to die. Period. Her name is GLENN. That's not a sexy actress name, that's a computer programmer name. Also, being born after 1960 automatically disqualifies me from understanding why Michael Douglas ever had a career. The man looks like a unhappy California Raisin. I watched It Runs in the Family. The next day Future Scott called and said the pain wasn't going away.

There are just too many sex scenes in this movie. I'm no prude, but Ernest Does Dallas was sexier than Fatal Attraction. The last time I saw Glenn Close naked, she was crying on the floor of a shower. Now, that's either a scene description from The Big Chill or a personal story that I'll end now. Glenn Close nudity is a lot like gym class nudity. You know it's inevitable but you do everything you can to divert your eyes. Also, watching Douglas struggle to get his tighty-whiteys off wasn't pleasant either.

Disgusting sex scenes aside, the movie turned out to be pretty entertaining. There are some really tense scenes when you realize that Close isn't playing a monster, she's playing a woman with mental problems. It screams Play Misty for Me but still works as a sex thriller. The director, Adrian Lyne, knows about sex flicks. He's made Fatal Attraction, 9 1/2 Weeks, Indecent Proposal, Lolita, and my favorite Diane Lane film: Unfaithful.

All in all, if you're looking for a well-made film about something that could actually happen (the stalker part, not the sex with Glenn Close part) then you might want to pick this up. But from the looks of his filmography, Lyne has quite a few other movies you might want to watch instead. Just take a look at this successful director's progress.


He went from this:
To this:
His movies may all be pretty similar...but least his casting has improved.

Thanks to Cinexcellence for hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-thon. Without it, I might have never seen Fatal Attraction. And without seeing Fatal Attraction, I would have had to think of another reason to put up another Diane Lane picture.

Rug Rats Blog-a-Thon: Catinca Untaru

My Stuff and Cr*p is hosting the Rug Rats Blog-a-Thon. Children have been in movies since the beginning of cinema. 19th century French labor laws aren't my specialty, but I'd bet at least some of those Lumiere workers were kids. A century later, the kids are still acting. Salvatore Cascio, Jean-Pierre Léaud, and Peter Billingsley have served up some of the most memorable performances this side of the Shirley Temple franchise.

Catinca Untaru has cemented her spot on the list of impressive child actors. Starring in Tarsem's The Fall, this young actress makes Dakota Fanning look like Gilbert Godfrey in a Uwe Boll film. To better understand the specialness of Untaru's performance, you have to first understand the specialness of The Fall.

The Fall was a dream project for director Tarsem. Famous for his commercial and music video work, the Indian filmmaker had an idea of letting a child guide the film. He decided that he needed a four-year-old for his idea to work. Years later, he was given a tape with a young Romanian girl (Untaru) and was so capitvated by her that production started immediately.

The film follows a Untaru's character, Alexandria, as she tries to occupy her time in a hospital while she recovers from a broken collarbone. During her stay, she meets a depressed silent film actor/stuntman named Roy Walker (Lee Pace) who was recently paralyzed after a stunt went bad. Recently dumped by his girlfriend, Roy wants out of life. Contained to his bed, he enlists the help of Alexandria to get the morphine he desires.

Roy tells Alexandria an epic story filled with fantasy elements and mythical heroes. Each day he tells her another section of the story. As the two bond together, he pursuades the little girl to get him some morphine from the medical center. The film cuts between the 1920s hospital and the timeless fantasy world. Alexandria's character shows up in both worlds and Untaru's performance in The Fall overall, is incredible.

Catinca Untaru was born in Bucharest in March 1997. Eleven now, only six when filming started. Another fact, she didn't speak English when she landed the role. But the director used her language barrier to the film's advantage. He wanted a four-year-old for the role because of their societal innocence, but Tarsem found that Untaru worked perfectly, her inability to speak English made up for her age.

"One day I got a tape of this girl at a school in Romania, in the middle of students talking. I was amazed. She was perfect. She didn't speak English. The penny dropped. She was six, but if she didn’t speak the language she would be using, the misunderstanding would buy me the two years that I needed. Because she had to seem four." (Ebert Interview with Tarsem)

One of the scenes everyone's talking about involves Roy asking Alexandria if she is trying to save his soul. "Are you trying to save my soul?" Her reply is indescribable. In my opinion, this is one of the most amazing moments captured on film. She smiles, pauses, opens her mouth, smiling. It just has to be seen. As it turns out, Untaru didn't know what the word "soul" meant and reacted naturally. That's the innocence Tarsem was looking for.

"It's true. One of the treasures of the film is the sound of the dialog by Catinca Untaru. We understand every word, but she sounds as if she's inventing them as utters them." (Rober Ebert, possibly replying to what I just wrote)

Only Tarsem and Lee Pace knew that Lee Pace could walk. Hoping to capture people's real reactions to a handicapped person, the director kept the secret until shooting wrapped. When filming ended, they told everyone the truth, to mixed reactions. Some people were upset, others took it as good news. Tarsem remarked on Untaru's reactions to pace when she first met him.

They met while shooting their first scene together. To her knowledge, Pace was actually paralyzed and she was nervous because of that. That nervousness comes through in her performance. But as the film progresses, it's easy to see how much the young actress has bonded with her co-star. A lot of the dialogue was improvised and spontaneous. Tarsem claims that by the third or fourth take, Untaru would nail the scene. The director allowed flexability and freedom in his film and let the little girl craft the story.



The script was ever-changing. In the scene where Lee Pace writes M-O-R-P-H-I-N-E, Untaru mistook the actor's "E" for a "3" and they changed the story to suit that. When she read "3," Tarsem told the prop man to fill the morphine bottle all the way up. Then when Alexandria steals the pills, she only grabs three, not enough for Roy to kill himself. This flexability allowed the film to remain fluid and capture all of the special moments that only a child can create.

You can credit Tarsem for directing an amazing film. You can be in awe of the shooting locations, spanning 28 countries. You can love how the story weaves betweens worlds of the real and the fantastic. But without Untaru's performance, none of that would tie together. Untaru appears to be the glue that holds The Fall together. Quite a lot of responsibility for a six-year-old, but after watching the film, it'd be hard to argue that she didn't get the job done.

Ain't It Cool News has been covering The Fall with more attention than anyone else. Capone, a member of the AICN staff interviewed Tarsem, the links are listed below. Moriary, another staff member, gave his feelings towards Untaru and her performance in the link below. I got a lot of my information from them, so I'm givng credit where credit it due. Thanks, guys.

Part One: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/36903
Part Two: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/36915
Moriary's Thoughts: http://www.aintitcool.com/?q=node/36407

5 Villians ROBIN Could Defeat

Christian Bale said recently that he would stop playing Batman if Robin was reintroduced. Apparently Bale has no use for a Boy Wonder sidekick. Robin never gets any respect. The last time we saw him on the big screen, it was in a nipple suit. No, thank you, Mr. Schumacher.

Batman Returns and The Dark Knight have blown up like crazy. People would inject the celluloid into their bloodstreams if they could. To me, there's just something missing without Robin. Maybe I'm just a sap for underrated superheroes, and sidekicks.

So, today I declare my desire for a Robin movie! No Batman, just Robin. It's time that fans of the gymnast-turned-crime fighter stand up and demand quality sidekick entertainment. There are plenty of young, talented actors who could play the part. Just keep Zac Efron the hell away from the set and I'll be happy.

Here's the only problem. Can Robin actually beat any supervillians by himself? He doesn't have any powers. He uses Batman's gadgets. He's really just a glorified circus performer.

That doesn't mean a movie should be made about Robin, the filmmakers just have to make sure that they have the right bad guy involved. So, here's a list of suggestions. Five villains that Robin could face in his very own movie. Oh, and if you click on the links, you'll see who I could cast in each role. Enjoy.

The Vulture

He could fly (thanks to a machine he built). He once got knocked out my Spider-Man's ancient Aunt Mae. He has super strength; but these days, who doesn't (besides Robin)?

The Vulture would make a great villain for the Robin movie because they're both named after birds. Imagine a Robin vs. Vulture movie poster. It could look just like the Alien vs. Predator poster! Sanaa Lathan could co-star.

Mojo

He's so fat that he can't walk. Without technology, he's can't even use his superpower. His superpower: television. He enslaved people by getting them to watch TV all day long.

The script could revolve around Robin having to compete on a Japanese game show before getting to fight Mojo. If Robin can run on a treadmill while jumping over big teddy bears and eat three mochi balls before falling into the pit of flour, he wins.

If he wins, I'm sure Robin could just punch Mojo in the face once and the ripple effect through the alien's fat pockets would put too much stress on his heart resulting in immediate death.

Quackerjack

Another bird-themed villain, this time from Darkwing Duck. A toymaker pushed out of business when video games became more popular than board games, Quackerjack rob banks so that he can keep making toys for sick children.

This is just the type of sick bastard that Robin needs to stop. I'm picturing a bloody brawl in a toy factory like Child's Play 2. Robin will say something like, "Playtime's over, bitch" before shoving the crazed duck-man into a pit of boiling plastic.

Vernimous Skumm

Robin could fight pollution. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he could fight pollution. It's Batman meets An Inconvenient Truth. I'll win an Oscar for Best Original Song and the Super Size Me guy will try to soak up some success by living in a Batcave for 30 days.

Abra Kadabra the Magician

If Robin couldn't beat Abra Kadabra the Magician, then he deserves the same fate as Heath Ledger.


Who do you think Robin could beat? Do you think this movie will ever get made? Was it too soon to make a Heath Ledger's dead joke?

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