Naptime: Movies I've Fallen Asleep During

Inspired by a Jonny and Reed's discussion on their Gene Shalit Power Hour podcast, I decided to create an ever-growing list of Movies I've Fallen Asleep During.

After a traumatic LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring viewing, my friends dragged me watch the second installment completely against my will.  The Two Towers slipped me into a deep coma that couldn't even be interrupted by sword fights, dragons, or whatever the hell those movies tried to distract everyone with.

The year was 1999.  A friend and I had played N64 long into the night before dragging ourselves to an afternoon screening of Godzilla 2000.  For some reason, I don't ever fall asleep during the movies you'd expect.  I made it through Emma, A Taste of Cherry, and The Hours but for some reason, a giant lizard destroying downtown Tokyo makes my eyelids heavy.

Not every movienap experience happens at a movie theater.  Some happen at home.  I once fell asleep during a repeat viewing of Recess: School's Out.  I had seen it before so it wasn't a big deal (you don't want to miss the plot details of Recess: School's Out) but when I woke up later, the DVD menu screen was playing.  Here's where everything goes terribly wrong.  I only slightly woke up, was still too tired to get up, and had no power to turn off the TV.  On top of all that, the Recess menu screen is the most ANNOYING menu screen of all-time.  Its runtime is about 5 seconds, it plays the beginning of the Recess theme song, and does. not. stop.  Worst half hour of my life. 

More to come...

Month of Horror - Day 22: Twilight Zone: The Movie

One of my favorite bloggers, Jason Soto, is hosting the

Reasons Not to Have Kids blog-a-thon.

His site, Invasion of the B-Movies is super rad,

it won a Lammy, and y'all should read it.

Some might consider my Eraserhead post to be evidence enough for the "no kids" arguement but I had other plans. Joe Dante is one of my favorite directors. Matinee, Gremlins, and the savagely underrated TV show "Eerie, Indiana" were all given to us, as precious gifts, from Mr. Dante. Someone throw a virgin in a volcano, the world needs more of his work!

Growing up, "The Twilight Zone" was one of my favorite shows. In 1983, Dante teamed up with three other directors to construct a feature-length film comprised of four segments, three episode remakes and one original story.

Dante's segment featured one of the scariest children of all time. His name is Anthony and he's fuckin' ALL FUCKING POWERFUL. The limits to this kid's supernatural abilities would shock even David Blaine. Want proof?

He'll make you pull a fucking rabbit out of your
goddamn top hat!

He'll fucking turn your fucking front porch
into a goddamn giant eyeball!

He'll wish your fucking ass into cartoon land!

Hope you don't like talking or eating because
he'll wish your fucking mouth off!

Get the picture?

Let's look at Anthony's competition.

The Children of the Corn -- Attack people if they enter a corn field.
Anthony -- Can turn people into a corn field.

Girl from The Ring -- Crawls through television screens. Looks scary.
Anthony -- Can put you in a television. Is scary.

Regan from The Exorcist -- Possessed by the devil. Defeated by religious faith.
Anthony -- Is pretty much God.

Anthony = Scariest child on film since Tatum O'Neil in Paper Moon.

Best Picture? Hardly.

Here's what this post is trying to say: there are a lot of undeserving producers with Oscar statues on their mantles. Take a look back at what's won Best Picture, it's pretty ridiculous in some cases. Not as ridiculous Cary Grant never winning and Oscar and Alfred Hitchcock never winning Best Director, but still...

2000: Gladiator

[What it Beat: Chocolat, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon,
Erin Brockovich, Traffic]
[What Should Have Won: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon]

If you were half as blown away as I was by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and half as underwhelmed by Gladiator, then you understand my dismay concerning the 2000 Oscars. Do you remember the first time you saw Chow Yun-Fat running up through the trees? It was incredible! But it wasn't just the special effects that made CTHD the most deserving nominee that year, the story was deep and powerful, and every performance was delivered impecably. I'm saying this fully aware of how many friends I have that love Gladiator but it just did nothing for me. Even the fight scenes, and in my younger years, I loved me some fight scenes, bored me. Russell Crowe is one of the least captivating leading men this side of Kevin Sorbo. Sorry to all those who love Gladiator but if the academy hadn't pawned Crouching Tiger off on the Best Foreign Film category, we would have had a different winner.

2001: A Beautiful Mind
[What it Beat: Gosford Park, In the Bedroon,
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings, Moulin Rouge!]

[What Should Have Won: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings]

Don't get it twisted, I am NOT a fan of the Lord of the Rings movies. At all. The first film was a torturous experience for me, the second literally put me to sleep, and the third has still be sucessfully avoided. That being said, while I didn't personally enjoy the movie, I wholeheartedly respect it and can recognize that it deserved to win Best Picture in 2001. I really enjoyed A Beautiful Mind when it was released, but if you go back and watch it, you'll realize just how cheesy, conventional, poorly written, and nearly unwatchable it really is. Out of the five films nominated, ABM really should have come in dead last. I understand not wanting to give out three Best Picture awards to one trilogy, but if the award is truely going to the "best" movie, then give the statues to those films which truely earned the title.

2002: Chicago
[What it Beat: Gangs of New York, The Hours,
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Pianist]
[What Should Have Won: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]

Here's where my emotions are split. I wanted Chicago to win that year. I loathed The Two Towers. After much consideration, I have to maintain my same logic used with 2001's nominees. A film on such a grand scale, with an attention to detail unmatched by nearly any filmmaker (except for maybe Gilliam), filled with convincing performances and an awe-inspiring visual style is probably going to deserve to win Best Picture. That being said, Chicago, in my opinion, is an almost equally impressive film. One year after proved that musicals still held their place in mainstream Hollywood, Rob Marshall's film knocked it out of the park. Everything the musical should be, Chicago is. Thankfully, I didn't have to make the decision of choosing a winner. The academy chose the film I wanted over the film over the film that should have won.

2003: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
[What it Beat: Lost in Translation, Master and Commander,
Mystic River, Seabiscuit]
[What Should Have Won: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King]

Same logic as before. The Lord of the Rings films...I hate them. Cannot stand them. That being said, they're fuckin' impressive. My vote would have went to either or Lost in Translation or Mystic River. How the hell did Seabiscuit get a nomination? Even Finding Nemo could have (and should have) kicked the piss out of that damn horse. Blech.

2004: Million Dollar Baby
[What it Beat: The Aviator, Finding Neverland, Ray, Sideways]
[What Should Have Won: Sideways]

Fuck Million Dollar Baby.

2005: Crash
[What it Beat: Brokeback Mountain, Capote,
Good Night and Good Luck, Munich]
[What Should Have Won: Brokeback Mountain]

I'm not even going to try to lie about how much I love Crash. There are just too many people who would call me on my shit. When I first saw Crash, it hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way). Why people don't like...actually despise is a better word, this movie makes complete sense. It's the opposite of subtle, it's over-the-top at times, and screams when it should whipser. BUT...for myself, personally, this was the film I needed at that time. kick-started my interest in studying racism, American history, the Civil Rights movement, etc. Looking back on Crash, it wasn't as good of a movie as Brokeback Mountain (the most-deserved winner) but I'll always appreciate it and its Tony Danza cameo.

2006: The Departed
[What it Beat: Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima,
Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen]
[What Should Have Won: Hustle and Flow]

It's better than Babel.
It's better than Letters from Iwo Jima.
It's better than Little Miss Sunshine.
It's better than The Queen.
Want to know what it's not better than?
Hustle and Flow.
Hustle and Flow got screwed over. No screenplay nominations. No picture, directing, actress, cinematography, or editing nominations either. Three 6 Mafia won Best Original Song though. Thanks academy.

[Edit: My research team has been fired. Hustle and Flow was actually released the previous year...where it earned all of the awards it should have. Suddenly, my day just got a little better. In closing, Hustle and Flow is still better than all the movies previously listed.]

2007: No Country for Old Men
[What it Beat: Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, There Will Be Blood]
[What Should Have Won: No Country for Old Men]

Damn, what a great year for American cinema. I didn't understand why Michael Clayton was nominated but at least Tom Wilkinson almost picked up Best Supporting Actors. This slot clearly should have went to The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. And say what you will about Juno, it deserved its nomination. It didn't deserve to win, but it deserved its nomination. But overall, 2007 saw the best films nominated in more than couple years.

No Country for Old Men took two viewings for me to fully appreciate its innovation and its various strengths. The second viewing allowed me to forget that Josh Brolin gets to sleep with Diane Lane every night and that Woody Harrelson still gets acting parts. Learning to love the ending was difficult at first but after seeing the film again and discussing the film with my MA Westerns class, it became clear that No Country for Old Men was the best film of the year (slightly edging out TAOJJBTCRF and There Will Be Blood which completely falls apart in the third act).

This brings us to 2009. Tonight is the Oscars ceremony.
I'm about to go see Slumdog, saw Milk last night, hated The Reader.
The Wrestler wasn't nominated.
If Slumdog isn't as good as the hype has made it seems then it looks like we're back to normal.

The Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch: The Gingerdead Man

When I saw this at Blockbuster, I swore I would never watch it. Guess I was wrong. The Gingerdead Man made my Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch List. Let me tell you, it deserved to be there.

The movie is not funny, not entertaining in any way, and not worth watching for any reason. At least it was short. The total running time of The Gingerdead Man was 61 minutes. This shit plot couldn't even make an entertaining commercial.

Gary Busey, a wonky-eyed psychopath, "stars" in this straight-to-DVD sewage plant. This guy needs to just go away. Even the role of Millard Findlemeyer, robber of diners, was too much for this sad bastard.

This lady died fourteen seconds in. She was the lucky one.

The graphics were straight out of the early 80s.
It made Puppet Master look like Lord of the Rings.

The death scenes were just as bad as I expected.
Why actually entertain an audience?
You've already got their $4.25.

The characters: they throw pies in each other's faces.
The score: straight-up carnival music (with every instrument played on a keyboard).
The dialogue: "Who can kick your ass? The candyman can, bitch!"

That's it, I'm done. Fuck the Gingerdead Man.

Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch

You can't watch everything. But why would you want to?

I own over 1,000 DVDs and they range from Criterion Collection selections to dollar bin Amoeba movies. The pride of my collection is an Old Boy Three Disc Ultimate Collector's Edition which has TONS of special features, a cool tin case, an original 35mm film cell, and a 200-page graphic novel. One of my hidden shames is that I own a copy of Vin Diesel's The Pacifier which I bought for $1.00 from the aforementioned Amoeba mecca.

My point is that I'll watch all sorts of movies ranging from classics to the bottom of the barrel. But there are certain movies I've never seen and never want to see...ever. Over the years, I've built these movies up to be the least desirable movies ever made. Whether they star an actor I can't stand or they just look plain awful, these movies were deemed "unwatchable," my cinematic kryptonite. Well, I'm going to watch them. All of them. Then I'm going to tell you if I was right or not. I'd bet that I'm right.

Whitney over at Dear Jesus is joining in on this torture. Once she makes her list, it's on! We're watching all ten movies together and if we survive, then we'll post on each other's blogs and tell you what we went through. Now then, on to the list!

The Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch (but am going to anyway...) List:

1. The "I Hate That Guy" Movie
The Gingerdead Man starring Gary Busey

I hate Gary Busey. Period. If he's in a movie I immediately try to find something else to watch. It's the craziness that he tries to shove on everyone. I really doubt he's as crazy as he makes him self out to be. If he actually is that crazy then he should be more interesting when someone's filming him. Thankfully, I haven't had to watch his chattering horseteeth gnaw through any scenery since an episode of "Entourage" a couple years ago.

A few months ago, I made an unexpected trip to Blockbuster because Netflix was taking too long to get me my Sopranos DVDs and that's when I spotted this cinematic abortion. The Gingerdead Man starring Gary Busey. I shuddered at the current state of independent film and made a mental note to never, ever, ever, watch this movie.

My predictions: If Gary Busey stars as the Gingerdead Man then maybe this movie will be more tolerable. I'd rather watch a badly animated cookie monster (not the Cookie Monster) than Busey failing to get out of that paper bag he's acting in. If Busey's role requires him to act like a human then it's going to be a long seventy minutes.

2. The "That Looks Boring as Hell" Movie
Pride and Prejudice - The A&E Five Hour Long Miniseries

I just can't see how this is going to be bearable. Granted, I like Colin Firth in movies like Love, Actually but it's not Mr. Firth that I'm anticipating having a problem with. I have a problem with the fact that it's five hours long, set in 19th century England, and features dialogue such as this:

You're mistaken, Mr. Darcy. The mode of your declaration merely spared me any concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner. You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. From the very beginning your manners impressed me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit and your selfish disdain for the feelings of others. I had not known you a month before I felt you were the last man in the world whom I could ever marry!

Victorian England movies are the cinematic equivalent to waterboarding. Buggies, bonnets, and Bennets are not my ideal content for a kick-ass Saturday afternoon. They don't even suit me for a Thursday's early evening. I'm not going to say that there aren't any good movies set in Victorian England, I know better than that. I will say, however, that I don't want to watch them. Some people don't like Pauly Shore and Bobcat Goldthwait, I don't like big white wigs and 1800s courtship narratives.

My prediction: I'm going to hate my life for the five hours I'm watching this and for the two hours beforehand where I'm trying to convince myself to actually go through with it. Should make for an interesting post.

3. The "I'm Morally Opposed to this" Movie
Last House on the Left

Rape revenge movies. Um... I don't know why but these aren't usually my cup of tea. I don't know a whole lot about this movie other than who directed it and the general premise. Not ever seeing that premise play out visually was fine by me. I remember Roger Ebert tried to convince theaters not to book either this film or I Spit on Your Grave because it was absolute garbage. Double feature, anyone?

My prediction: I'm a fan of Wes Craven's work, People Under the Stairs, especially. I have this little inkling of faith that this movie won't be as gut-wrenchingly vile as I've made it out to be. This is the one I'm looking forward to the least. It'll probably turn out to be my favorite. If anything, I probably won't be bored.

4. The "Everyone Told Me This Sucked" Movie
Swept Away
Runners Up: From Justin to Kelly/Gigli/Glitter/Catwoman

This is the movie that ended Guy Ritchie's career! The man that made Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels was brought down by a remake of Lina Wertmuller's 1974 film, "Travolti da un Insolito Destino Nell'azzurro Mare D'agosto," which won the He Shot Cyrus award for "Best Movie Title I've Heard Today." The movie stars his wife, some lady named "Madonna" who I heard used to be singer.

Here's how this movie beat out it's competition: Kelly Clarkson is hot. Jennifer Lopez is hot. Mariah Carey is hot. Halle Berry is hot. Madonna is not hot. In a long list of awful movies, the one with the least redeeming factors wins. That movie is Swept Away. I swore I would never watch it because I really doubted that it would be one of those "so bad, it's good" movies. To be honest, it just looked like a waste of time. I guess the time has come where I have nothing better to do with my time than waste it.

My prediction: It won't be as a bad as everyone say it is. I have no idea what the movie's about but I have a feeling that I won't be hating my life like with some of these other movies. Two hours to eat popcorn and wonder if Swept Away is also the reason why Jason Statham doesn't make good movies anymore.

5. The "So-Called Classic That Doesn't Appeal to Me on Any Level" Movie
Eraserhead

I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not David Lynch's biggest supporter. If he ran for President, I'd vote for Peter Bagdonovich instead. But not Roman Polanski. I'm a firm believer that a U.S. President should be allowed to set foot on U.S. soil.

After a few viewings of Blue Velvet and more than a few "ugly" feelings, I began to enjoy it. I wouldn't watch it all the time, but I wouldn't object to someone throwing it in if the mood stuck them. Mulholland Dr. was as confusing as Nick Nolte's mugshot. It's been on my list to watch again but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

Even with my mixed feelings towards his other films, David Lynch isn't the reason I don't want to see Eraserhead. Back when I was a young fellow attending a small high school in rural Central California, I had a friend who always knew about the weirdest music and movies. This kid introduced me to: David Bowie, GWAR, Insane Clown Posse, Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles, Videodrome, and so-called "noise composure." Eraserhead was another film that he told me about. This one, he said, was different. The phrase I always remember him saying is "Don't watch this if you ever want to have kids." I don't know what he meant by this but I was never very curious to find out.

Since High School, tons of people have told me to watch Eraserhead. Apparently, everyone and their grandfather loves this freakin' movie. It got to the point that I started lying to people--telling them I had seen it and that it was "really weird" so that they would leave me alone, haha. They would all agree that while it was "really weird" that it was also a masterpiece. I would agree with them and then change the subject to anything else. It's time to see what they've all been talking about. Once and for all, I am going to be able to say that, "Yes, I have seen Eraserhead and this is what I think of it" without fear of my nose growing.

My prediction: I'm scared that this one's been too overhyped and that it won't live up to my expectations. That being said, I'm open to liking Eraserhead. I'm open to loving Eraserhead. Now that I'm more familiar with Lynch's work I'm pretty sure that I'll be pretty receptive to Eraserhead. I'd also bet that my opinion on bearing offspring won't change that much.

Note: The third Lord of the Rings movie almost made my list but that's a thought for another day.

That's the list! PLEASE, drop a comment in the box with your thoughts on this list. Also, I want to know your lists too. I'm really interesting in finding out which movies you'll never watch. Thanks to everyone who voted on the poll question and thanks to everyone who's been leaving me comments and feedback lately.