Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Thanks for Writing [March Winner]

Congratulations to Knowingviews (who I believe is Simon from The Simon and Jo Film Show)! He is the second He Shot Cyrus "Thanks for Writing" contest winner! He has one week to get me his mailing address before the prizes are transfered to the second name drawn. If you're Knowingviews, you can send me your address either through Facebook or through an e-mail to

Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked

Yesterday, I watched an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where Frank (Danny DeVito) wears a hospital gown while performing a three-sixty spin. As if from a sign above, I was inspired to write my Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked list. I also wanted to give you all something to comment about. It is the last day to comment for March's Thanks for Writing contest, so let me know which celebs you could have done without seeing in the nude.

Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give: Who expected nudity in a Nicholson/Keaton PG-13 rom-com?  That's like renting The Odd Couple II expecting to see Walter Matthau's junk. But anyone unfortunate enough to buy a ticket for Gotta Give, received an unwelcome flash of elderly flesh.  Jack Nicholson's butt definitely earned its spot on this list.  Although, in retrospect, the film's nude scene is way less offensive than the picture I just posted.   Whoops.

Willem Dafoe in Antichrist: I'm not alone on this one, am I?  Did the Green Goblin make anyone's Nudity Wish List?  If he was on yours, then Lars Von Trier has made a movie for you! While the cinematography is beautiful, the content is less than.  And the quantity!  Oh Lord, the quantity!  This isn't a brief scene, partially hidden by shadow or anything, from what I haven't mentally blocked, he's naked through the whole movie.    

Glenn Close in The Big Chill: This picture still gives me chills.  There's nothing about this I enjoy.  Strike One: It's Glenn Close.  Strike Two: She's naked.  Strike Three: She's CRYING!  I wholly understand that this scene wasn't supposed to be erotic but did the director really have to try and ruin any future erotic moments to come?  I consider this scene to be a hostile act towards sexuality of any kind.   

Kathy Bates in About Schmidt: Take the unexpectedness of Something's Gotta Give and throw in Kathy Bates's naked 54-year-old body.  First time I saw it, I felt like this.  Schmidt is a criminally-underrated film but this mid-movie surprise...just hurt.  Bates should be proud for having the guts to (literally?) pull it off but I'd be lying if I said that I ever wanted to watch her do it.
Kevin Bacon in Wild Things: Before the internet made nudity delightfully unavoidable, teenage boys entered a high-risk world of R-rated theater-hopping, bootleg VHS tapes, and late night Cinemax screenings.  Each year introduced its own coveted title that would instantly become the Must-See movie.  1995 had Showgirls.  1996 had Striptease.  1997 had Boogie Nights.  And 1998 had Wild Things.  

High school began for me under the reign of Wild Things.  I was promised Denise Richards.  I was promised Neve Campbell.  I was promised Denise Richard and Neve Campbell.  And while (some of) those promises were kept, a surprise performance by Kevin's Bacon added insult to injury.  If having to sit through this terribly-made movie wasn't bad enough, the full-frontal shower scene was worse than any religion's repentance process.  Still though, for hormone-crazed teens, Wild Things delivered more than 1999's Must-See flick.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Free Utah Film Event!

Billy Was a Deaf Kid (Cinequest Film Festival) is making its Salt Lake City debut!  I was lucky enough to catch this rad movie last year and have been following its global expansion ever since. Some of you received screeners of Billy for a blog-a-thon that never really got off the ground. That's my fault but I'm glad you all got to see the film.  But for those who haven't seen it, or who want to see it again, show up to Tower Theater on Wednesday, April 7th.  The event starts at 7:00PM and here's the best part: It's free.
On top of all that, Paleo, the man behind the soundtrack will be performing (also for free)! DVDs are for sale!  Couch rides are available!  And I'll be there.  What more do you need?
If you live in Utah or know people in Utah, let them know about this super fun night.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Top 10 of 2009...finally!

Sorry that took so long.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

They MUST Make This

Monday, March 22, 2010

Top 5 Fight Scene Weapons

Gunfights and swordfights are played out. Here are the Top 5 Fight Scene Weapons. If you ever find yourself in a fight scene, bring one of these badboys to really up the ante. (Note: Some of these scenes are a little long, if you only watch one of them, make it #2.)

#5: Chainsaws (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2)

#4: Whips (Flash Gordon)

#3: Sledgehammers (Streets of Fire)

#2: Basketball (Deadly Friend)

#1: Ballpoint Pen (Grosse Pointe Blank)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

3 Best Friends: Movies Featuring Awesome Beards

The 3 Best Friends movie marathon series is turning out better than I could have ever expected. The first installment, Movies That Have Been Remade, introduced me to one of the greatest Westerns ever made, an original much funnier than the remake, and a French version of Three Men and a Baby. The second installment, Movies From the Year You Were Born Starring Someone You've Never Seen in a Movie Before, seemed riskier but The Initiation, Suburbia, and Dressed to Kill were great, especially Dressed to Kill. Last night's marathon brought in a record amount of spectators who crammed themselves into our living room to watch three Movies Featuring Awesome Beards.

The First Movie Featuring an Awesome Beard: Flash Gordon (1980)
Flash Gordon meets a girl named Dale. They meet a scientist named Dr. Zarkov. The three of them make a quick trip into space to save the world. Emperor Ming, who's played by Max Von Sydow donning a pretty racist Fu Manchu beard, has been attacking Earth with earthquakes, hot hail, and volcanic eruptions. The trio, with the help of that magnificent bearded bastard (above), take on the evils of the universe. All the while, an incredible Queen theme song plays in the background (Flash! AHHHHHHAAAAA!).

Let's cut to the chase. Flash Gordon is one of the most fun movies I have ever seen. My suggestion for you is to cram as many people as will fit in your living room and put this movie on. Then see what happens. What happened last night was that 10+ people sang along to my new favorite Queen song and laughed so hard it's amazing the neighbors didn't ask us to stop. The art direction and the costumes are unbelievable. There are lizard people, some guy who looks like Dr. Doom, and did I mention that the bearded guy and his men are winged? Winged! This is one of the 80s most underrated movies. Period.

The Second Movie Featuring an Awesome Beard: Sidekicks (1992)
Barry (Jonathan Brandis) suffers from asthma and (apparenly undiagnosed) psychotic delusions. He daydreams about heroics alongside his icon, Chuck Norris (a.k.a. the Bearded Stallion) instead of focusing on the fact that his life sucks. He's constantly bullied, he can't breathe, and his only friend is a 70 year old Asian man who calls him "Mr. Dumpling." Through hard work and perseverance, the teenage lunitic learns martial arts and agrees to take on his worst enemy at a karate tournament. (See: Karate Kid)

Sidekicks was one of my favorite movies growing up. We had a VHS tape that we nearly broke from repeated viewings. Sadly, this movie isn't available on DVD (there's one used copy on Amazon for $199.99.) and after last night's re-viewing, I have no idea why it isn't. It is corny, aimed more towards junior high students than Chuck Norris' usual target demographic, but there are still a lot of funny parts and the movie's overall charm is hard to ignore. It was even more entertaining yesterday than it was when I was younger.

The Third Movie Featuring an Awesome Beard: Space Amoeba (1970)
Space Amoeba (a.k.a. Gezora, Ganime, Kameba: Kessen! Nankai no Daikaiju) does have a couple awesome beards but what it also has is three awesome monsters. As you could have guessed, one of them is a giant squid. When said amoeba from space makes its new home in the bodies of these monsters, all hell breaks loose for a group of Japanese developers hoping to build a submarine hotel.

My friend Aaron chose this movie for his marathon pick. And while Flash Gordon was fantastic, and Sidekicks was even better than I remembered, I'm the most happy about seeing Space Amoeba. Had it not been for Aaron's gut instinct about awesome movies, I probably would have never seen this. I'm hoping you take my word about how great it is and Netflix it for yourself. If you're having doubts, just remember that it's directed by the guy who made Godzilla.'s Japanest title is Gezora, Ganime, Kameba: Kessen! Nankai no Daikaiju. How could you go wrong with a movie like that?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

That Thrilled Me Psychologically!

I've been on a psychological thriller kick lately.  The late-80s/early-90s were packed full of them.  It's a shame that I spent those glorious years watching Disney cartoons instead of these fucked up spinechillers.

Dead Calm: A Navy man and his wife cope with the loss of their child by escaping the city for a month out at sea.  About three weeks in, they come across a sinking ship and the last remaining survivor crew member.  Sam Neill and Nicole Kidman play the happy couple.  Billy Zane plays the hardbodied psychopath.  When Neill's character get stranded on Zane's sinking ship, what's left is a pretty awesome cat-and-mouse game between Smokin' Hot Kidman and Pretty Good Lookin' If You're Into Psychopaths With Nice Smiles Zane.  

Recommendation: Watch it, even if boat movies usually act like NyQuil for you.

Rising Sun: Snipes and Connery investigate a sex crime that took place on the board room table of a powerful Japanese corporation.  Connery is an expert on Japanese customs and Snipes is a tough-talking cop with a knack for sidekicks.  It's clear the company has something to hide--something to do with government officials and intercontinental business deals.  Rising Sun starts out like an episode of SVU and ends like a buddy cop film.  And where there's nothing like hearing Sean Connery speak Japanese through the thickest Scottish brogue, Rising Sun isn't very thrilling.

Recommendation: Tia Carrere fans will be happy to find out that she has a small role in Rising Sun but everyone else will be underwhelmed.     

Striking Distance - An NYPD cop rats on his partner who later commits suicide.  You know what happens when someone rats on their partner who later commits suicide?  They get demoted to boat cop.  Boat cops are like mall cops of the water.  Bruce Willis once made a public apology for this movie. Maybe this just got better with time or maybe my tolerance for bad thrillers is higher than I thought. I liked Striking Distance.  The supporting cast is fantastic.  Sarah Jessica Parker, John Mahoney, Dennis Farina, and Tom Sizemore. looks better than it reads.

Recommendation: If you're in the mood for a fun, twist-filled flick, you'll like Striking Distance...unless you trust Bruce Willis more than me. 

Consenting Adults - An upper-middle class couple meets their new neighbors: an eccentric financial consultant and his blonde bombshell wife.  The couples grow close quickly and continue to do so until Spacey's character (the eccentric) makes an indecent proposal: wife swap!  "You sneak into my bed in the middle of the right.  I'll sneak into your bed in middle of the night.  Our wives will totally be into it once it's happening."  I don't want to spoil how this tawdry affair pans out but you won't be disappointed.
Recommendation: The terrible cover art was enough to keep me away from this movie for years.  Thanks to Netflix Instant Watch (which is how I watched all of these movies) I finally broke down and checked this out.  It's a steamy little affair and it's worth watching if only to see The Kevins (how they missed this marketing opportunity, I'll never know) act off one another.  

Birthday Girl - Nicole Kidman plays a Russian mail-order bride.  The lucky bloke who orders her learns a valuable "too good to be true" lesson when her Russian friends show up and make themselves comfortable.  This might sound like a silly 80s rom-com but silly, 80s, romantic, and comedic Birthday Girl is not.  Out of the entire group, this is the one I'd recommend without hesitation.  Kidman delivers an underrated performance while the entire supporting cast is spot-on.  Vincent Cassel (La Haine) plays a hotheaded Ruskie and reaffirms my claims that he's one of the world's most underrated actors.

Recommendation: It's a taut psychological thriller with a little bit of S&M thrown in the mix. Think Hitchcock meets Secretary.  In a good way.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Apparently, I Have a Type

Today, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir introduced me to Gene Tierney.  I'm happy to announce that we're in love.  After running down a quick list of other Hollywood ladies who're fighting over my heart, I realized that I have a type.
[Note: If you think this post was just an excuse to put up some pretty lady're welcome.]

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Clearing House

My boss and I were talking about how he watched Star Wars in theaters when he was six years old. Lucky bastard. He talked about how great the scroll was, the music, and the giant spaceships. But the most interesting part of his story was when said that after the movie ended, his dad asked him, "Want to see it again?" and they did. No, they didn't buy another ticket, they just stayed in their seats and watched the movie again.

Movie theaters used to not clear the auditoriums between screenings. A 10AM ticket could buy you a day's worth of movies. Granted, it's the same movie over and over again but regardless, the opportunity was there if you wanted.

My question for you is: 

Monday, March 15, 2010

Remember that Captain America Excitement?

Last week, I wrote about how (despite the odds) I was actually getting excited for the The First Avenger: Captain America. Hugo Weaving is rumored to play Red Skull. John Krasinski has supposedly dropped out of the running for the red, white, and blue hero. Things are looking pretty good for the first (of probably hundreds) of Captain America movies to come. Then today, things hit a snag.

Look who's entered the running.

Does that picture scream "American Hero" to you?
If Ryan Phillipe gets the Captain America role, should I:

a) move to Costa Rica?
b) melt my face off to become a real-life Red Skull?
c) just deal with it because this movie won't be good either way?

You choose.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Hugo Weaving as Red Skull?

My only real experience with Captain America comes from these two sources:

and while these two gems from yesteryear hold a special place in my heart, I'm excited for the first in a potentially great Avengers series. And while I've heard a million rumors as to who'll be cast as the All-American hero, I'm more excited about who will play the sometimes Nazi, sometimes Communist supervillian RED SKULL! And news was released today that Hugo Weaving is in talks to fill the role. I've gotta tell you...this is the best news since the Liev Schreiber's casting as Sabertooth (which was the best news since Kelsey Grammer's casting as Beast). Any thoughts on this casting (or this movie overall)?

Is this going to be a Spider-Man or a Fantastic Four?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Corey Haim Blog-a-Thon [March 19th-21st]

Corey Haim passed away this morning in Burbank, CA.  His later years were known more for drug use and reality shows but during the 1980s, Haim and his frequent collaborator, Corey Feldman, were kings.  He Shot Cyrus has decided to host a Corey Haim blog-a-thon in his honor.  You can write about any of his films, about his life in general, or pretty anything remotely related to Haim.  Send in links to your Corey Haim writings and I'll post them next weekend.  The deadline for entries is Sunday, March 21st.  

Also, pass the word around. 

Monday, March 8, 2010

10 Notes About the Oscars

10 Notes About the Oscars

1. Dear Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, Last Station wasn't one of the ten nominated Best Picture films.

2. "Uber-bingo" is my new favorite phrase.

3. I appreciate that it took so long to make but Logorama is not very good. Thorough, yes. Entertaining, not really. The best animated short of the year, definitely not.

4. "Horror often doesn't get the respect it deserves." -- The kids from Twilight who presented the worst horror tribute I've ever seen. Marathon Man? That was a stretch.

5. James Taylor!

6. Dom DeLuise died? :(

7. Pop n' Lockin' doesn't belong at the Oscars. It wasn't called Fantastic Mr. Electric Boogaloo.

8. Most underrated joke of the night: "Thanks for not considering Na'vi a foreign language." -- Juan Jose Campanella, El Secreto de sus Ojos

9. Only Jeff Bridges has the balls to call him "Bobby Duvall"

10. Alec Baldwin smacking Katherine Bigelow's butt? Way to stay classy, guy.

Overall, I was happy with who the awards went to. Sandra Bullock did not deserve to win but what are you gonna do? Hurt Locker takes home Director and Picture! Precious doesn't go home empty-handed. I'm happy.

Oscar Picks Contest - Results!

The winner of the 1st Annual He Shot Cyrus
Fletch from Blog Cabins with 17 correct answers!
The Man Behind the L.A.M.B. wins a special surPRIZE.

So Fletch, send me your mailing address
(either through Facebook or e-mail)
and I'll send your prize out.

A HUGE thanks to everyone who participated. For those who're curious, here are the tallied up results for everyone who participated. Keep an eye on the site because each of your entries has also entered you into the monthly Thanks for Writing contest. You may not have won today but you might win something soon.
Branden - 16
Mikkey Filmmaker - 16
Joe Ball - 15
He Shot Cyrus - 15
Tonya - 15
Fitz - 14
Heather - 14
Mig - 14
Reel Whore - 14
Jamie - 13
Heather Adair - 12
Roclife - 12
KnowingViews - 11
Goose3984 - 10
Neill - 10

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Oscar Picks Contest is Closed

Good luck everyone!

Gabourey Sidibe & Carey Mulligan

Bullshit. Utter bullshit. Tonight's Best Actress award will likely be handed to either Meryl Streep (Julie and Julia) or Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side). Bullshit. Utter bullshit. Excuse my rant but I cannot fathom how anyone who's seen Precious or An Education could cast their vote for anyone besides Gabourey Sidibe or Carey Mulligan. The votes should be split between these two--not the Biopic Queens who starred in two of this year's least interesting films. If there is a Movie God, and I'm not sure I believe there is, one of these two talented women will take home a statue tonight. If not, at least Hurt Locker will win Best Picture. Right? ... Right? Bullshit. Utter bullshit.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Have You Seen This Man?

An extra Thanks for Writing entry to the first person who can
name this actor.

What's Wrong with this Picture?

Feel Sorry for Our Future Generations

1. Have you ever worked for either Blockbuster Video or Hollywood Video?
2. Have you rented anything (movie/game) from BV or HV in the last year?
3. Judging from your interactions with them, are BV/HV employees knowledgeable about movies? On a scale from 1-10?

According to Cinematical, Blockbuster lost $435 million dollars last quarter.
How. Is. That. Possible?
I understand that Netflix, Redbox, illegal downloading, and hundreds of other more attractive alternatives have done their parts to hurt the corporate giant. But really? There wasn't anything they could do? They had to see it coming.

As I reported last month, a number of the Hollywood Video locations are shutting down. Since then, news broke that the Hollywood Video I worked for back in the day is closing down as well. After leaving that job, I worked at Circuit City. Looks like I'm the bad luck charm. It's only a matter of time until the age of Video Store Chains is extinguished.

Mom & Pop proponents can't help but feel a little justified. The corporations which shut down independent rental stores throughout the 80s, 90s, and 00s are now in major trouble. Blockbuster's attempt at online rental services arrived too late and failed to save the already weakening business. Starting last year, they introduced Blockbuster Express kiosks (a la Redbox) but to this day I haven't seen one in person.

I have a theory. There will always be a demand for in-person rental stores because there will always be people too stupid to figure out Netflix. Rapper Lil Wayne sold a million copies of his album The Carter III in its first week while critically-acclaimed artists (such as Mos Def) take much longer to hit those numbers. Why? Because Mos fans are smart enough to download illegally. Lil Wayne fans need Best Buy to get their music. The rest of us just need Google.

And while Redbox's kiosks were practically designed specifically for these dumb-dumbs, you can't count out that stupid people thrive on being stupid in person. Nothing makes these people happier than slamming a "Display Only" case down on a counter and yelling "I want to rent The Blind Side!" which, in turn, forces the poor 16-year-old fat kid who makes up for his minimum wages with over 365 free rentals per year to explain what the words "Display Case" mean even though I know it won't do any good and they'll make me crawl into the return box and look for a recently dropped off copy WHICH WON'T BE IN THERE! IGUARANTEEYOU! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! THAT MOVIE JUST CAME OUT! * CATHY STRESS SQUIGGLE*

You know what? I hope they go out of business. I'm sorry 16-year-old fat nerdy kids who dream of getting paid in free rentals and posters but it's just not worth it. Trust me. Plus, most of the people you work with won't know anything about movies. And neither will a large percentage of your classmates in the State school undergrad film program. Get a Netflix subscription and a comfy couch for your parents' basement. You'll make it to your Master's program...someday.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Hell Comes to Frogtown

I understand that the title Hell Comes to Frogtown might seem a little confusing at first. But let me break down it's individual parts. First, Rowdy Roddy Piper (They Live) plays Sam Hell, one of the last fertile men on Earth. Nuclear war has killed most of the world's men and dried up almost all the rest. It's up to the remaining breeders to continue the species, hence the second word's possible double entendre. As for Frogtown, that's really the easiest part to understand. You see, nuclear war can have all sort of nasty side effects. Aside from acting as global spermicide, the fallout also mutated a large percentage of the population into frog creatures. Incidentally, at some point, these frog creatures formed a town. Now put those pieces together:

[Now that's how to utilize a Floating Head.]

In the future, women have obtained social, political, and military power. Don't get it twisted, they're still sexy, but now they have guns. With the future of all mankind at risk, Sam Hell partners up (i.e. has electric tasers secured to his junk) with two of these sexy dominants and ventures into Frogtown to save a harem of impregnable ladyfolk. (They're sexy too.) All seems well and good for the testosterone-fueled macho man until the Frogs catch on to their plan (save the women and then have sex with them).

Do you remember that episode of "Star Trek" where
Captain Kirk sloppily fights that man-lizard?

That's a lot what Acts II & III are like. This film takes a campy Howard the Duck turn about thirty minutes in and doesn't let up until the credits roll. But the saving grace of Frogtown (the movie, not the actual town of frogs) is that it knows how ridiculous it is. One of the film's funniest moments comes after a bazooka-wielding baddie delivers a speech so long it would make a Bond villian proud. I don't want to spoil it (because I'm positive after this review Hell Comes to Frogtown will be shooting up Netflix queues nationwide) but it'll at least make you chuckle. If camp is what you want, then it's amazing you haven't seen this yet. Or maybe you have. I'm making a lot of assumptions here.

Have you experienced Hell Comes to Frogtown? Will you now? And most importantly, if you landed a job remaking this movie today, would you stick with frogs? Or are you switching to a more menacing member of the animal kingdom?

Southern Comfort

In keeping with the military theme from my last post, I feel the moral obligation to share a film with you called Southern Comfort. Directed by Walter Hill (The Warriors), Comfort follows a Louisiana National Guard squad at odds with a group of territorial Cajuns. Set deep in rural swamplands, the soliders call on all of their military experience in an attempt to get home safely. But with the homefield advantage going to the French-speaking poachers, the group finds themselves underprepared. And now with the roughest gang of Cajuns on their tail, the band of good guys have to, in a sense, bop their way home.

Walter Hill knows how to direct a group. His other ensemble cast films, The Warriors and The Long Riders, each use their opening act carefully--familiarizing the audience with a large number of characters in a short amount of time. Connections are built quickly; they have to be because in each case, not everyone makes it back alive. In fact, not everyone makes it past the first acts. Comfort's characters are immeditely distinguishable. You've got the Leader, the Back Up Leader, the Guy Who Wants to Be Leader But Shouldn't, The Guy Who Doesn't Want to Be Leader But Should Be. Comic relief, badasses, good ol' boys. They're all here. And they all piece together well.

The action is good. The suspense is better. The Cajuns have booby-trapped the wetlands with bear traps and assorted other inhumane devices. The troops have guns but are low on bullets. And to top it all off, there's a power struggle within the ranks that pretty much guarantees a knife fight. Hill loves him some slow-motion accents but doesn't overdo it. There were numerous times where I audibly yelled (even though I was watching by myself) in genuine shock/excitement. Southern Comfort is cool. You're gonna like this one. And if you don't like it, skip Deliverance.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Pacific

Calling all Band of Brothers fans. Band of Brothers. Calling alllllll Band of Brothers fans. Have I got news for you. On Sunday, March 15th, a 10-part Speilberg-produced World War II miniseries premiers on HBO. The Pacific will follow a group of U.S. Marines as they fight through Guadacanal, Cape Gloucester, Iwo Jima, Okinawa and other of the war's most violent battlegrounds.

Based on two memoirs, U.S. Marines: With the Old Breed by Eugene Sledge and Helmet for My Pillow by Robert Leckie, Pacific's scripts were penned, and its episodes directed, by some of Hollywood's most talented television talent. Most notably, Bruce McKenna, who wrote three BoB episiodes while serving as co-executive producer for the entire series, took the lead on this new series. In addition, famed TV-director Tim Van Patten ("The Wire," "The Sopranos") wrote three installments of The Pacific including the pilot.

With the miniseries premiering in only ten days, it's surprising that I only found out about this project today. When Band of Brothers came out, promotional ads were everywhere. If memory serves, Entertainment Weekly did everything they could to convice the general HBO-subscribing public that it would change their lives. So I ask, when did you first hear about The Pacific? Was it from this post? Have I just been blind to the advertising campagin that must exist? On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you to take another 10-hour journey through the hard-to-watch events of the second World War?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hollywood's Shittiest Months: May 2010

Iron Man 2 (May 7th): Can't wait. The first one was surprisingly kick-ass and now they've added Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Scarlett Johansson, Don Cheadle, and are following through on their Sam Jackson cameo. I have no doubt that the first film's quality is carry over into the sequel. I will miss Jeff Bridges though.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: A-

Babies (May 7th): Talk about Babies has been floating around for the past few months. The documentary follows four babies from around the globe for an entire year of their young lives. They've got babies from Tokyo, Nambia, San Francisco, and Mongolia. While this look incredibly adorable, I feel the need to plug another documentary seemingly related in theme: Ken Wardrop's His & Hers which interviews women from infancy to elderliness in an attempt to tell a single story. Babies looks really good. His & Hers is really good. I recommend them both.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B+

Just Wright (May 14th): A physical therapist (Queen Latifah) falls for a basketball player (Common) she's helping recover from a career-threatening injury. Let's hope it's closer to Brown Sugar than to Beauty Shop. And while I'd rather listen to an album starring these two, I'll gladly check out their movie. Would I recommend that you check it out? Don't know if I can go that far.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C+

Looking for Eric (May 14th): Social realist filmmaker Ken Loach has made another high-quality film that won't be seen by nearly enough people. It's Cannes debut and 89% rating on RottenTomatos might be enough to get some people (hopefully myself included) to give Loach a try but chances are...nobody's going to be looking for Looking.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: A-

Robin Hood (May 14th): Hollywood: Did you hear that Russell Crowe's-- Me: No thank you. Hollywood: Just wait a sec, what would you say to a new Robin Hood-- Me: No thank you. Hollywood: Ridley-- Me: I said "No thank you!" Hollywood: But they made Gladiator! *I walk away*
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C-

Letters to Juliet (May 14th): I'm open to romance in films. Someone recommends Four Weddings and a Funeral, I'm open. The Notebook? Sure, I'll give it a try. But when I read the synopsis of Letters to Juliet, I realized that I wasn't as open as I thought. As it turns out, the thought of watching Amanda Seyfried and Vanessa Redgrave allow fate to bring love into their respective lives on the streets of Verona makes me want to die. Or at least sleep. For a very long time. See this if you want but I'm skipping it.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B (for 'Boring')

Shrek Forever After (May 21st): They're really doing this, aren't they? The first was game-changing, the second was begged for, the third was graciously accepted but the fourth? Is there really that much more story to tell? I'm sensing a Land Before Time legacy approaching.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C+

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (May 28th): Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. *breath* Hahahahahahahahahahaha. No. No. Nononononononono! Ben Kingsley, help me out here.

He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D+

Sex and the City 2 (May 28th): I'm going to get hate for this but I don't care. I'm not a Prince of Persia type of guy. I'm a Sex and the City guy. I'll take a fluffy rom-com over a plotless action flick any day. No amount of Gyllenhaal shirtlessness and steroid abuse is going to convince me otherwise. I'd rather watch Kristen Davis talk about sex for two hours. But that's just me.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B+

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter [Breaking News]

Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov are teaming up together (the duo recently co-produced 9 (the animated one not the dancing one)) to produce an adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith's ("Pride and Prejudice and Zombies") brand new novel.  This book came out yesterday and it's already got two huge names attached.  I haven't read any of his books but from what I hear, they're not bad. Have you read these books? Let us know what you thought.    

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Hollywood's Shittiest Months Guide: April 2010

Clash of the Titans (April 2nd): This didn't look entertaining before they spent millions of dollars converting it into 3-D. My gut's telling me that Clash will bomb and for good reasons. Again, Sam Worthington is a completely forgettable actor and with Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes (both of whom scream ACTION STAR!) as his supporting cast, I don't see how this has a chance of being worth my $8.75.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D+

Why Did I Get Married Too? (April 2nd): Oh, Tyler Perry.  I made it through the first Why Did I Get Married? without complaints.  But then you give me this trailer, as if to say "Oh yeah?  Well you won't make it through this!"  But I'll see it...just like I see all of your movies. But for my readers, I'm taking the bullet.  Don't see this until I give the word that it's safe.  In fact, just don't see this movie.  People shouldn't deserve to be paid for making trash. 
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D

Date Night (April 9th): Three stages of Date Night: 1. Excitement!  Hearing the news that Tina Fey and Steve Carrell are starring in a film together!  2. Disappointment...  Seeing the trailer and knowing that the movie's a rush-job shoved together in between seasons of their respective shows.  3. Denial.  Paying top-dollar to the theater (a.k.a. your dealer) even though you know it's going to hurt you.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C+

Death at a Funeral (April 16th): Won't see this until I see the original.  From what I've heard, it's pretty incredible.  I've also heard that it's pretty "crummsucky" (new word) that they're remaking it so soon.  And even through the trailer does its best to make this look terrible, I trust Neil LaBute.  This one could surprise us.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C+

Kick-Ass (April 16th): A red band trailer wasn't enough to convince me that this won't suck. Even seeing Nic Cage shoot a little girl failed to peaked my interest.  So if neither of those worked, why do the studios feel that should continue to shove the regular PG-13 trailer down my throat every time I turn around?  Kick-Ass annoys me.      
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B-

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (April 21st): If you couldn't tell by now, April is much worse than March.  And while this movie has a "should-have-gone-straight-to-DVD" feel to it, I'm not entirely convinced.  The cast is phenomenal (Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, FRANK LANGELLA, Shia LeBeouf, and my new love, Carey Mulligan) and Oliver Stone is back in the director's chair.  This will be one of the shining lights in the dark month of April.   
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B

The Back-Up Plan (April 23rd): Modern-day romance at its best.  A woman has a sperm bank knock her up only to meet the man of her dreams right after.  What is J.Lo to do?  "Hilarity" ensues, I'm sure and I'm pretty sure I've seen this before.  But one element stands out.  Two words: Tom Bosley.  Sure, that's probably more words than he'll have in the movie but Mr. Cunningham is guaranteed to make any drizzly rom-com more bearable.  This doesn't look to be the worst movie Lopez has ever been in but part of me is still waiting for a sequel called The Back-Up Planner.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C

The Losers (April 23rd): Graphic novel adaptation follows a special ops team as they're betrayed and hunted down.   Okay.  Fine.  Ho-hum.  Jeffery Dean Morgan (or JDM, as I never call him) is talented as is his co-star Idris Elba.  I'll see it...but it might be on a Redbox disc rather than a 35mm film reel.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B

MacGruber (April 23rd): Way to take a 30-second sketch with one joke and stretch it out into a 90-minute sketch with one joke.  On the SNL Movies scale, mark McGruber up closer to Stuart Saves His Family rather than Wayne's World.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D

Furry Vengeance (April 30th): You've got to be f-ing kidding me.  Brendan Fraser vs. a bunch of forest animals angry that their homes are being torn down.  Some exec said "let's make a GREEN movie" in an attempt to cash in and this is the best they came up with.  This makes Daddy Day Camp look like Through a Glass Darkly
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: F

I Love You Phillip Morris (April 30th):  You can read my thoughts on this one at Film Threat.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: A-

A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30th): EEEEEEE!  The trailer doesn't look that bad!  I don't love the lack of personality in Freddie's new face (he looks like a Putty from "Power Rangers") but overall, this could be an damn good fright flick.  What I don't understand is why studios don't release their horror movies in October when everyone's monster-minded anyway.  it seems that every Halloween, the only scary movie in theaters is the latest Saw installment.  Anyone have any input on this?
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B

Monday, March 1, 2010

Not All Dogs Go To Heaven

Apparently, in 1982, Samuel Fuller (The Big Red One, I Shot Jesse James) wrote and directed a film called White Dog in which someone teaches a dog to hate black people. Dave Chappelle's "Racist Dolphin" sketch, anyone? My friend Greg introduced me to this fan-made trailer earlier today and I had to snag it. Controvery surrounded the production as people weren't quick to understand that this wasn't a racist film but rather an attempt at discussing racial intolerance of the time using a dog as a vehicle. Kind of like how Beethoven's 4th serves an analogy for psuedo-patriotism amidst post-9/11 tensions. Right? Beethoven's 4th?

Anyway, Kristy McNichol, of Two Moon Junction fame, stars in this outdated movie. Highlight of her career, I'd say. Ultimately, the film was shelved and never released in theaters. In 2008, Criterion released White Dog on DVD where it was met with little criticism because nobody cared. But now this trailer's making the rounds and causing all sorts of ruckus on the internets. Comments on IMDB and YouTube (as they usually do) vividly illustrate that ignorance and all-around dumbassery is alive and well.

What are you opinions on this movie? Have you seen it? Have any interest in seeing it? Now that you've seen this, are there any other Hollywood dogs that you think may have been trained to be racist? Haha, I'm so bad.

Wait, You Were in That?: Waterworld

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
Jack Black
(Golden Globe Nominee)
(Lead Singer of Tenacious D)
as "Pilot," one of The Deacon's henchmen.

Alright, who knew he was in this movie?
No cheating. Raise your hands, don't shout out.