Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked

Yesterday, I watched an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where Frank (Danny DeVito) wears a hospital gown while performing a three-sixty spin. As if from a sign above, I was inspired to write my Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked list. I also wanted to give you all something to comment about. It is the last day to comment for March's Thanks for Writing contest, so let me know which celebs you could have done without seeing in the nude.

Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give: Who expected nudity in a Nicholson/Keaton PG-13 rom-com?  That's like renting The Odd Couple II expecting to see Walter Matthau's junk. But anyone unfortunate enough to buy a ticket for Gotta Give, received an unwelcome flash of elderly flesh.  Jack Nicholson's butt definitely earned its spot on this list.  Although, in retrospect, the film's nude scene is way less offensive than the picture I just posted.   Whoops.

Willem Dafoe in Antichrist: I'm not alone on this one, am I?  Did the Green Goblin make anyone's Nudity Wish List?  If he was on yours, then Lars Von Trier has made a movie for you! While the cinematography is beautiful, the content is less than.  And the quantity!  Oh Lord, the quantity!  This isn't a brief scene, partially hidden by shadow or anything, from what I haven't mentally blocked, he's naked through the whole movie.    

Glenn Close in The Big Chill: This picture still gives me chills.  There's nothing about this I enjoy.  Strike One: It's Glenn Close.  Strike Two: She's naked.  Strike Three: She's CRYING!  I wholly understand that this scene wasn't supposed to be erotic but did the director really have to try and ruin any future erotic moments to come?  I consider this scene to be a hostile act towards sexuality of any kind.   

Kathy Bates in About Schmidt: Take the unexpectedness of Something's Gotta Give and throw in Kathy Bates's naked 54-year-old body.  First time I saw it, I felt like this.  Schmidt is a criminally-underrated film but this mid-movie surprise...just hurt.  Bates should be proud for having the guts to (literally?) pull it off but I'd be lying if I said that I ever wanted to watch her do it.

 

Kevin Bacon in Wild Things: Before the internet made nudity delightfully unavoidable, teenage boys entered a high-risk world of R-rated theater-hopping, bootleg VHS tapes, and late night Cinemax screenings.  Each year introduced its own coveted title that would instantly become the Must-See movie.  1995 had Showgirls.  1996 had Striptease.  1997 had Boogie Nights.  And 1998 had Wild Things.  

High school began for me under the reign of Wild Things.  I was promised Denise Richards.  I was promised Neve Campbell.  I was promised Denise Richard and Neve Campbell.  And while (some of) those promises were kept, a surprise performance by Kevin's Bacon added insult to injury.  If having to sit through this terribly-made movie wasn't bad enough, the full-frontal shower scene was worse than any religion's repentance process.  Still though, for hormone-crazed teens, Wild Things delivered more than 1999's Must-See flick.

Month of Horror - Day 26: Zombie

Zombies are the best monsters ever. Vampires are boring. Wolfmen show up as frequenly as periods. Mummies remind me of the Michelin Man. Zombies travel in packs, eat human flesh, and have no qualms about ruining your life.

Along with Ghoulies and Condorman, the movie poster for Zombie has stuck with me since childhood. It's sat on the Instant Queue (isn't it nice how that phrase has entered filmlovers' vocab this year?) for a while, waiting for the perfect time to either sink or swim. Well folks, tonight was the night, and this movie swims. It's the Michael Phelps of Italian zombie pictures. If it weren't for a few lesser scenes, one could argue this movie against Dawn of the Dead as the best late-70s flesh-eating flick.

The blood, gore, and general "grossness" of Zombie put the movie on a fast track toward Video Nasty lists all over Europe. It earned an X rating here in the States. The poster has nothing on the cool stuff you'll see in the movie. Director Lucio Fulci had a thing for letting the characters' insides trade places with their outsides. And then there's the eye-gouging scene. The eye-gouging scene will stick with you into your last days.

Like other Italian horror movies, it's easy to spot which actors are actually speaking English and which ones recorded their scenes in Italian and were dubbed over. All of the performances are equally strong; none of the characters really stick out past one another. But some of the scenes stick out so much further than the others. I mentioned the eye-gouging but I didn't mention the shark!

This is the only movie in existence to have a ZOMBIE VS. SHARK BATTLE! It's okay if you don't believe your eyes, because I didn't at first either. But here's photographic evidence that someone, somewhere, filmed an underwater scene between God's two greatest creatures. And don't just think that they wrestle around a little and that's it. Oh no no no, there's blood, my friends. But I can't tell you whose.

We've watch a lot of good movies this month, but this one gets the El Gringo Official Tip of the Afro. If you don't believe me, take a look at this picture of Danny DeVito right after he watched Zombie.