Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked

Yesterday, I watched an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where Frank (Danny DeVito) wears a hospital gown while performing a three-sixty spin. As if from a sign above, I was inspired to write my Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked list. I also wanted to give you all something to comment about. It is the last day to comment for March's Thanks for Writing contest, so let me know which celebs you could have done without seeing in the nude.

Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give: Who expected nudity in a Nicholson/Keaton PG-13 rom-com?  That's like renting The Odd Couple II expecting to see Walter Matthau's junk. But anyone unfortunate enough to buy a ticket for Gotta Give, received an unwelcome flash of elderly flesh.  Jack Nicholson's butt definitely earned its spot on this list.  Although, in retrospect, the film's nude scene is way less offensive than the picture I just posted.   Whoops.


Willem Dafoe in Antichrist: I'm not alone on this one, am I?  Did the Green Goblin make anyone's Nudity Wish List?  If he was on yours, then Lars Von Trier has made a movie for you! While the cinematography is beautiful, the content is less than.  And the quantity!  Oh Lord, the quantity!  This isn't a brief scene, partially hidden by shadow or anything, from what I haven't mentally blocked, he's naked through the whole movie.    

Glenn Close in The Big Chill: This picture still gives me chills.  There's nothing about this I enjoy.  Strike One: It's Glenn Close.  Strike Two: She's naked.  Strike Three: She's CRYING!  I wholly understand that this scene wasn't supposed to be erotic but did the director really have to try and ruin any future erotic moments to come?  I consider this scene to be a hostile act towards sexuality of any kind.   

Kathy Bates in About Schmidt: Take the unexpectedness of Something's Gotta Give and throw in Kathy Bates's naked 54-year-old body.  First time I saw it, I felt like this.  Schmidt is a criminally-underrated film but this mid-movie surprise...just hurt.  Bates should be proud for having the guts to (literally?) pull it off but I'd be lying if I said that I ever wanted to watch her do it.
 
Kevin Bacon in Wild Things: Before the internet made nudity delightfully unavoidable, teenage boys entered a high-risk world of R-rated theater-hopping, bootleg VHS tapes, and late night Cinemax screenings.  Each year introduced its own coveted title that would instantly become the Must-See movie.  1995 had Showgirls.  1996 had Striptease.  1997 had Boogie Nights.  And 1998 had Wild Things.  

High school began for me under the reign of Wild Things.  I was promised Denise Richards.  I was promised Neve Campbell.  I was promised Denise Richard and Neve Campbell.  And while (some of) those promises were kept, a surprise performance by Kevin's Bacon added insult to injury.  If having to sit through this terribly-made movie wasn't bad enough, the full-frontal shower scene was worse than any religion's repentance process.  Still though, for hormone-crazed teens, Wild Things delivered more than 1999's Must-See flick.

10 comments:

whitney said...

I loved seeing Kathy Bates naked!!! She was willing to use her nudity as a joke, and Alexander Payne was further able to push his "the human body is disgusting" agenda. I loved it!

Morgan said...

I would have not mind seeing Jack Nicholson naked when he looked good back in the 70's.

dw said...

i read that as "celebs you would have done -- without seeing in the nude." and i'd do john goodman without seeing him in the nude.

Heather said...

I'm with whitney. I loved Kathy Bates naked!

As for Aaron's idea, someone I would love to do.... without seeing the nakedness is Margaret Cho (too many weird faces).

Goose3984 said...

I feel that William H. Macy should have somehow made this list, and that pic of Kevin Bacon makes them look like they just had angry gay hate sex.

Fletch said...

Damnit, Goose stole my thunder. In the spirit of this post, I was gonna tell you to never, ever watch The Cooler, even though it's an alright flick. Even Bello looks like ass in it...

Didja really have to share the pics with us (and so big)? This is one post where words would've done the trick for me. ;)

TJMAC510 said...

Yeah I think Kathy Bates takes the cake for me. I haven't been able to go in a hot tub ever since...especially with other people around. I have visions of her getting in the hot tub..shudder

MovieNut14 said...

Well I'm traumatized for life now. Thanks.

thedudethats not rude said...

she can undress for me anytime she is hot to be her age and if all you younger ones live you will be lucky to look that good at her age

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