Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Hollywood's Shittiest Months Guide: April 2010

Clash of the Titans (April 2nd): This didn't look entertaining before they spent millions of dollars converting it into 3-D. My gut's telling me that Clash will bomb and for good reasons. Again, Sam Worthington is a completely forgettable actor and with Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes (both of whom scream ACTION STAR!) as his supporting cast, I don't see how this has a chance of being worth my $8.75.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D+

Why Did I Get Married Too? (April 2nd): Oh, Tyler Perry.  I made it through the first Why Did I Get Married? without complaints.  But then you give me this trailer, as if to say "Oh yeah?  Well you won't make it through this!"  But I'll see it...just like I see all of your movies. But for my readers, I'm taking the bullet.  Don't see this until I give the word that it's safe.  In fact, just don't see this movie.  People shouldn't deserve to be paid for making trash. 
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D

Date Night (April 9th): Three stages of Date Night: 1. Excitement!  Hearing the news that Tina Fey and Steve Carrell are starring in a film together!  2. Disappointment...  Seeing the trailer and knowing that the movie's a rush-job shoved together in between seasons of their respective shows.  3. Denial.  Paying top-dollar to the theater (a.k.a. your dealer) even though you know it's going to hurt you.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C+

Death at a Funeral (April 16th): Won't see this until I see the original.  From what I've heard, it's pretty incredible.  I've also heard that it's pretty "crummsucky" (new word) that they're remaking it so soon.  And even through the trailer does its best to make this look terrible, I trust Neil LaBute.  This one could surprise us.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C+

Kick-Ass (April 16th): A red band trailer wasn't enough to convince me that this won't suck. Even seeing Nic Cage shoot a little girl failed to peaked my interest.  So if neither of those worked, why do the studios feel that should continue to shove the regular PG-13 trailer down my throat every time I turn around?  Kick-Ass annoys me.      
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B-

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (April 21st): If you couldn't tell by now, April is much worse than March.  And while this movie has a "should-have-gone-straight-to-DVD" feel to it, I'm not entirely convinced.  The cast is phenomenal (Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, FRANK LANGELLA, Shia LeBeouf, and my new love, Carey Mulligan) and Oliver Stone is back in the director's chair.  This will be one of the shining lights in the dark month of April.   
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B

The Back-Up Plan (April 23rd): Modern-day romance at its best.  A woman has a sperm bank knock her up only to meet the man of her dreams right after.  What is J.Lo to do?  "Hilarity" ensues, I'm sure and I'm pretty sure I've seen this before.  But one element stands out.  Two words: Tom Bosley.  Sure, that's probably more words than he'll have in the movie but Mr. Cunningham is guaranteed to make any drizzly rom-com more bearable.  This doesn't look to be the worst movie Lopez has ever been in but part of me is still waiting for a sequel called The Back-Up Planner.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C

The Losers (April 23rd): Graphic novel adaptation follows a special ops team as they're betrayed and hunted down.   Okay.  Fine.  Ho-hum.  Jeffery Dean Morgan (or JDM, as I never call him) is talented as is his co-star Idris Elba.  I'll see it...but it might be on a Redbox disc rather than a 35mm film reel.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B

MacGruber (April 23rd): Way to take a 30-second sketch with one joke and stretch it out into a 90-minute sketch with one joke.  On the SNL Movies scale, mark McGruber up closer to Stuart Saves His Family rather than Wayne's World.  
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D

Furry Vengeance (April 30th): You've got to be f-ing kidding me.  Brendan Fraser vs. a bunch of forest animals angry that their homes are being torn down.  Some exec said "let's make a GREEN movie" in an attempt to cash in and this is the best they came up with.  This makes Daddy Day Camp look like Through a Glass Darkly
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: F

I Love You Phillip Morris (April 30th):  You can read my thoughts on this one at Film Threat.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: A-

A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30th): EEEEEEE!  The trailer doesn't look that bad!  I don't love the lack of personality in Freddie's new face (he looks like a Putty from "Power Rangers") but overall, this could be an damn good fright flick.  What I don't understand is why studios don't release their horror movies in October when everyone's monster-minded anyway.  it seems that every Halloween, the only scary movie in theaters is the latest Saw installment.  Anyone have any input on this?
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B


Goose3984 said...

Death at a funeral will suck, its an exact remake of the British movie, they just added black people. They even used the same actor for the dads lover. I cant begin to tell you how angry this movie makes me. Clash of the titans that i will see, yes its going to be crap but someones got to like it.

Lunatone said...

Yeah, the new Death at a Funeral, from what I can tell from the trailer, looks like a shot-for-shot remake... what's the point?!

elgringo said...

Brad - When I saw the trailer I thought "Well, at least they'll get 7 bucks from Brad."

Brad & Kaleen - Shot-for-shot remake, huh? Bleh. The only one of those worth watching was Funny Games and even somehow that one wasn't even as good and it was from the same director. Don't even get me started about Psycho!