Saturday, April 3, 2010

I Want an Apology.

Just read over at Deadline that J.D. Shapiro, screenwriter for Battlefield Earth, has issued an official apology. He blames the movie's failures on everything from nonsensical notes to his penis. And while B.E. was extremely rough, it's taken more than its share of shit-talk. There are plenty of other terrible movies that need apologizing for. Here's a few.

I've sat through some terrible movies in my day. Hell, I've even enjoyed a lot of them. But some movies have so few redeemable qualities that the 90-minutes you're forced to sit through are pure torture. A few of my friends enjoyed Ultraviolet but I just can't see how. Milla Jovovich was rough. Her character fits comfortably between Halle Berry's Catwoman and Charlize Theron's Aeon Flux on the list of Terrible Hollywood Superheroines. My brain fought to follow the asinine plot, fought hard. But by the end, a refund for my ticket wouldn't have been enough to make things right.

Super Mario Bros./Street Fighter
Dear Hollywood,
next time you can't find a bathroom, would you please consider not shitting on my favorite childhood video games? Imagine a young child getting word that Super Mario Bros. is being turned into a movie. Now imagine that same young child sitting in a movie theater, desperately trying to sit still in his chair, beaming with excitement. The titles roll and...WHAT THE FUCK? You had beloved heroes! Monsters! A princess! Magical powers! A ridable dinosaur, you bastards! What did you do? WHAT did you do? And more importantly, what did I do to deserve this? I was nine years old and you Cleveland Steamer-ed my dreams. It's a wonder I like movies at all anymore. You suck.

The Blind Side/Song of the South/Breakfast at Tiffany's
1. Nominated for Best Picture. Wins Best Actress award. Hailed by critics and audiences worldwide. I want an apology from someone for this. The Blind Side is just another White-People-Save-The-Black-Failure flick. The true story it's based on has some pretty big differences (i.e. the kid was already really good at football when they met him) (i.e. he could speak) (i.e. a black church leader was giving him food/shelter/money before they "saved" him). All you Crash haters out there, where were you for this racist portrait?
2. Slavery never happened, black people loved life back then. Sang about it too. Not releasing this on DVD isn't enough of an apology for Song of the South. Disney hasn't released this to save their own necks from a PR nightmare, not because they feel bad about making a racially-intolerant movie. If they did feel that way, we wouldn't have Dumbo, Peter Pan, or Lady and the Tramp.

3. Squinty eyes. Buckteeth. Lines like "Mir-shes Gur-lie-lee! I protesss!" This should explain it. The majority of Breakfast at Tiffany's is enjoyable but Mickey Rooney's performance pretty much ruins the entire movie for me.
Scary Movie 2
The argument that the first Scary Movie should be blamed for the countless Movie movies to follow is valid. But I'd like to argue that, alone, the first installment is a solid parody film. The sequel was of a lower quality than the first, as most sequels are, but the third and fourth Movies just got worse and worse. Then came Date Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, and the cleverly-titled Meet the Spartans. It shouldn't have been. It will be quite a while before the parody genre recovers from this slippery slope. Who knows how long it'll be fore we see another Airplane. I want an apology.

I don't want an apology from Mike Judge. I don't want an apology from Luke Wilson. The only person I want an apology from is whoever decided to kill this great movie. And while I don't know this person's name...I know they work for 20th Century Fox. If I were Mike Judge, I wouldn't even try to make Hollywood films any more. I couldn't stand the overabundance of cowardice and stupidity. Office Space, Idiocracy, and Extract all suffered from a lack of faith from their respective studios. And while Office Space went on to get a cult status and Extract was the weakest of the three and ultimately received a bit of praise, Idiocracy was sinfully passed over and deserves much better than that.


xTJMac510x said...

Yeah I totally agree with this list although I think Joel Schumacher's Batman films need to be on that apology list

xTJMac510x said...

Actually add Frank Miller (for the Spirit), Uwe Boll (for everything), and Steven Spielberg (War of the Worlds) to that list as well

Fletch said...

Strange Wilderness. Ugh.

Yes! Another Idiocracy lover!

whitney said...

I liked Super Mario Bros. when I was a kid. Plus, now we can say "Hey! It's Luigi!" whenever John Leguizamo shows up.