Thursday, February 18, 2010

Top 5 Films That Wasted My Time in 2009

1. Terminator Salvation: When I heard McG had signed to the fourth Terminator installment, I found myself wishing for the Jonathan Mostow days. Those were simpler times. Just when everyone thought the series couldn't dive any lower, McG set out to prove us wrong. And prove us wrong, he did. There are some statements that I'd like to make. First, McG peaked with the Santeria video. Second, Charlie's Angels is a better film than Terminator Salvation. Third, Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle is too. This movie was trash. The writing was abysmal, the performances were painful, and can we talk about CGArnold? Give me a goddamn break. And to think...I saw this in the theater. One last note, Sam Worthington is the most forgettable actor in Hollywood. Just ask that one guy in Avatar. What's his name, again?

2. Crank 2: High Voltage: The last Statham sequel worth watching is Snatch. The second Transporter film was one of the laziest movies ever made and this Crank sequel is even worse. I can forgive the ridiculous premise but this story did not deserve a retelling. I'd rather spend two hours catching up with Gigli's characters than sifting through this over-stylized eyesore for any sort of depth or charm.

3. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: To be fair, I only watched this was because it was playing at my favorite movie theater/pub and I was in the mood for some fries. But I knew I was in trouble when my fries were gone and I still had an hour of movie-watching left. What's hurt the most about this one was that I was member of the target demographic. I was born in 1984. I'm a boy. As a child, I pretend to shoot bad guys with anything even remotely resembled a firearm. I should have loved this flick. But alas, I spent two hours wishing for anything that even remotely resembled a firearm. You hurt me, Stephen Sommers. Even worse, you hurt my inner-child.

4. Knowing: Sometimes you're in the mood for a bad movie. On those occasions, you see what TNT's got on, grab a random disc from Redbox, or head to the nearest Dollar Theater and tell them to "Bring it on!" Sometimes, you end up watching Bring it On. In May of last year, Whitney and I chose the Dollar Theater and slapped down two bucks to take a journey with Nicolas Cage, a popular pasttime in our home. Well, it was until we watching Knowing. Take one part A Beautiful Mind, one part Bible story, and two parts Nic Cage overacting and you've got one underwhelming afternoon. There is solace in knowing that, even though I wasted my time, at least I didn't waste my money.

5. The Answer Man: Originally titled Arlen Faber, this so-so piece of fluff belongs more on Hallmark Movie Channel than the Sundance lineup. To quote my Sundance review, The Answer Man "is a cute film without a lot of depth. It examines hot-button topics such as spirituality, religion, life, and death all without pressing any of those buttons. What [the director] has done is suck all of the controversy out of controversial issues. He’s taken the idea of a higher being and wrapped it in a fluffy romantic comedy. In short, moms who like going to church and watching PG-13 movies are going to like this one. This one’s for those who felt Henry Poole is Here was too much a downer and Passion of the Christ was just inappropriate." And since I'm not a church-going mom (even though my mom is), The Answer Man wasted ninety-five of my 2009 minutes.


Daniel said...

Well I only saw #'s 1 and 4 here, but they were both among my worst of the year also. And although you might not feel badly about a dollar spent on Knowing, I saw it for free and still feel like I got ripped off.

whitney said...

I was going to tell you about this video I watched today where that dude from Avatar talked about what his favorite performance of this last year was...but then I forgot what it was. So not only is his face forgettable, AND his accent terrible, whatever he says is usually forgettable, too.

Also, is that him in GI Joe, too? I can't tell.

elgringo said...

Daniel - Did you see that Knowing was on Ebert's Top 10 of the Year list? WHHHHHAAAAAAATTTT?????

Whitney - I think he's the guy from Memento?

Alex said...

I guess you didn't see Wolverine or Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Good for you.

Also oddly enough I found Sam Worthington one of the best things about Terminator: Salvation (along with Anton Yelchin, cutest man in show business). Bale was so bland, I was falling asleep every time John Connor was onscreen. Admittedly the atrocious writing was a contributing factor as well.