Monday, February 15, 2010

Southwest Airlines' Celebrity No-Fly List

Kevin Smith shouldn't feel too bad. He's not the only celeb who's been unjustifiably kicked off a Southwest flight. These scorned and weary travellers have all faced the shame of being asked to immaturely depart. These are their stories.

Samuel L. Jackson

On December 19th, 2008, Sam Jackson was booted from Southwest Flight 291 and subsequently arrested for attempting to get a game of "hot lava" going with the other passengers. An eyewitness account states that "[Jackson] just kept hopping from seat to seat--refusing to touch the floor. It was mildly entertaining."

Later, when airport security questioned the actor, it was revealed that the in-flight movie was 2007's Resurrecting the Champ in which Jackson starred. According to the Best Supporting Actor nominee, he "had had it with these [explicative] [explicative] [explicative] [explicative] on these [explicative] [explicative] planes." Jackson eventually cooperated with security when a fast-thinking stewardess laid down a trail of crushed Sprite cans, explaining that they would serve as stepping stones to protect his feet.

Flight 291 departed on schedule and Jackson was released later that evening. As for the in-flight movie, one passenger was overheard saying "It was mildly entertaining."

Danny Trejo

Southwest looks down on a lot of things. And while you'd think that 22 counts of rape would make that list, it wasn't until Danny Trejo's twenty-third sexual assault that the airline chose to make a formal objection. On September 3rd of last year, the Grindhouse actor forced 78-year-old Colorado native, Bettie LeForge, onto the drink cart and proceeded to "rape the everloving hell out of that old lady," said 79-year-old Colorado native Jim LeForge. According to a Southwest representative, Trejo had been repeatedly warned that his rape count was nearing the offical limit. When asked for his opinion on the airline's rape policy, Trejo simply replied, "I guess I'll be flying JetBlue."

Bruce Willis

9/11 was a difficult time for many Americans. For those unfortunate enough to own stakes in New York tourist traps such as Planet Hollywood, the days following the national tragedy meant a steady loss of revenue dollars. For Willis, things became even tighter after two of his films, Bandits and Hart's War, failed to perform at the box office. But things really bottomed out for the talented actor on January 22nd, 2002. As most of you probably remember, Willis had a press junket to attend in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida but a mix-up with his coach ticket forcing the actor to "McClaine his way" onto that plane.

Just minutes before the plane was schedule to take off, Willis knocked out one of the airline's baggage attendents, slipped into his clothes, and climbed up inside the plane. Armed with a handgun (although no one, to this day, knows why) and a determined spirit, the Die Hard actor slid through the narrow corridors and mechanical compartments, heading towards his seat in the back of the plane. As the media reported back then, everything was going well for him until his cellular phone began to ring. Alicia Keys' Fallin' echoed throughout the plane and Willis was quickly apprehended.

The widely publicized arrest led to Southwest dropping all charges, which originally included "Possession of a Firearm on an Airplane" and "Narrating the Film North." The airline, hoping to safe face in the midst of the Homeland Security insanity, made a public statement denying that anyone had snuck onto their aircraft and that their airplanes were the safest in the world. Rumors circled that Willis had plans to sue the airline but an undisclosed source told reporters that they settled out of court for a $100 dollar Southwest voucher (value = $45.00).

So, as you can see, Kevin Smith isn't alone. Southwest Airlines has been targeting celebrities, for reasons unknown, since at least 2001. So, we at He Shot Cyrus, would like to encourage you to boycott Southwest and travel with a different airline until this injustice ends. We at He Shot Cyrus would also like to encourage you to fly with someone other than JetBlue as they have just unveiled their "Unlimited Rape" package, starting at only 39.99 in select cities. Thank you.


Tom Clift said...

ok...that was genius

Paul Arrand Rodgers said...

That was pretty awesome, even if passengers on a 2005 flight were watching a movie from 2007. Unless that's a really clever Spaceballs reference. ;)

elgringo said...

Tom - Thanks, feel free to tell every single person you know about it.

Paul - So...I fixed it. But You win.

PIPER said...