Thursday, February 25, 2010

Hollywood's Shittiest Months Guide: March 2010

Studios release their shittiest movies in March, April, and May.  Why?  So that they'll be forgotten by the time it's Oscar season.  With three months filled of the worst Hollywood has to offer, one has to navagate carefully through the garbage and look for the hidden gems. So, here's a guide to consider while you trek through Hollywood's shittiest months. [April and May guides -- coming soon.]

Alice in Wonderland (March 5th): Tim Burton teams up with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter to give his unique twist on an already twisted children's story. Most likely, you've seen the trailer for this. You've probably already decided whether or not you're going to see it. Well, I have too. Even if Burton's Chocolate Factory retelling left some of us wanting more, author Lewis Carroll's surreal Wonderland fits in much more closely to the director's visual style. A 3-D option doesn't hurt either.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B+

Brooklyn's Finest (March 5th): This opened at Sundance to sold-out screenings and was purchased for about five million dollars before the week was through. Richard Gere plays a "one week away from his pension" cop while his supporting cast (Don Cheadle, Ethan Hawke, and Wesley Snipes) play cops, criminals, and everything in between. Training Day director, Antoine Fuqua has put out some pretty awul movies in his day (Shooter, King Arthur, and Bait just to name a few) and I'd venture to say that Finest couldn't touch Training Day on it's best day.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B-

Green Zone (March 12th): Matt Damon wears a scarf, looks hot, and does pretty much everything Jason Bourne does without being called "Jason Bourne." (See: Bruce Willis in Hostage (the real Die Hard 4)). Paul Greengrass (Bourne Supremacy, Bourne Ultimatum) directs. The March release date probably tells us more about the movie than the trailer. If Universal doesn't trust it enough to give it a summer release, then it most likely isn't a summer-worthy flick.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C+

She's Out of My League (March 12th): Why would a really hot girl date an underweight dorky dude? First time director, Jim Field Smith, spent months of his life trying to find out. Actually, he spent months of his life trying to make us care. It didn't work. The trailer is abysmal and the words "National Lampoon Presents:" seem to be missing from the title. Jay Baruchel (Undeclared, Fanboys) deserves better roles than this. But who knows, maybe the underweight dorky dude found it hard to turn down the chance to make out with
this girl. Plus, he got paid to do it.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D-

Our Family Wedding (March 12th): A hispanic girl marries a black guy and their families struggle to get along. It's like Guess Who's Coming to the Rehersal Dinner? With names like Forest Whitaker, America Ferrera, and Carlos Mencia attached, it's surprising that this movie hasn't received more marketing efforts or press coverage. Then again...if you watch the's more surprising that these actors signed anything close to resembling contracts for this movie. "Everlasting Love?" Really? Way to be different.

He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C

Remember Me (March 12th): Another Sundance release I skipped, this time because of the leading actor: Robert Pattinson (Twilight). I'm not convinced that anyone having anything to do with Twilight knows anything about acting. Maybe it was Adventureland. Maybe it was Taylor Lautner's hosting gig on SNL. Either way, I'm not watching this movie until it hits 85% on Rotten Tomatoes. Sometimes, it's nice to be your own boss. You can let everyone else take the bullets you know are coming. Also, I'm not impressed by the Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore poster rip-off.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C

The Bounty Hunter (March 19th): Is there an emoticon for vomiting? This is exacly what's wrong with Hollywood. Take two big stars, shove them together, purchase a terrrrrrrrible script, and make it glossy. I'd rather watch All About Steve. At least that movie tried to do something different. Just read the poster's tagine. "It's just a job. It's isn't personal. Well, maybe a little..." Fuck this movie and the Hitch director it rode in on.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D+

Diary of a Wimpy Kid (March 19th): Read my thoughts about this disappointment
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: D

Last Night (March 19th): Keira Knightley and Sam Worthington are married. On a business trip, Worthington considers getting it on with Eva Mendes. While he's gone, Knightley considers getting it on with Guillaume Canet. Who will get it on? Who won't? Who cares? Eh...I care a little. I trust Miramax, even with their family drama. But I must say, Sam Worthington is the most forgettable actor since Guy Pierce. And it's not that he isn't a talented actor, it's just that his face is so forgettable that during Avatar, they would cut back to him and I'd think he was a new character. And this happened multiple times. I hate this cast but am interested in the story.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B

Repo Men (March 19th): So get this, in the future organ transplants are way better but way more expensive. Because of this increase in cost, the medical corporations hire repo men (like Forest Whitaker and Jude Law) to get their property back from delinquent payers. And in a page right out of Crank, Jude Law's character has to have a heart transplant which gets him into all sorts of trouble. Look here, I watched Surrogates and I enjoyed myself. I will watch this year's version: Repo Men. I'll probably enjoy myself again. In short, if this sounds cool to you, go see it. If it sounds like the most ridciulous waste of your time, it will be.

He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B

The Runaways (March 19th): Lost of Sundance hype. Kirsten Stewart plays rocker Joan Jett and Dakota Fanning plays her bandmate/lover. Once again, and this appears to be trend with the movies I choose to see, I didn't watch this at the festival. Skipped it. Later, heard it was pretty good. I'll be watching this for Michael Shannon (a.k.a. the most underrated actor period) and hoping that the 86% rating on Rotten Tomatoes will hold true. Plus, this poster is enough to make me forget about Twilight, Adventureland, or whatever other garbage she's done before.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: A-

Hot Tub Time Machine (March 26th): I have a feeling that this movie knows exactly what it is. Unlike Snakes on a Plane, which had to be told what it was and later suffered for it, Hot Tub Time Machine knew from Day One that they were going to make something fun with absolutely no depth. Fans of gimmick-heavy films (see: Weekend at Bernie', I mean it. SEE WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S!) will love it...everyone else will question how a movie like this could even be made. Ever.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: B-

How to Train Your Dragon (March 26th): Oh Dreamworks, bless you for still trying. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: Dragonheart minus Sean Connery, in lackluster animation, projected in 3-D (even though it wasn't originally created for that nifty third dimension that's all the rage with the kids now). Don't believe me, watch the trailer. This one, I'll be skipping.
He Shot Cyrus' Prolific Grade: C-

The Last Song (March 31th): Ask yourself three questions. 1. Was I born in the mid-1990s? 2. Am I a girl (or a boy with an unexplicable love for sappy girl books/movies)? 3. Did The Notebook or A Walk to Remember speak to you in a way that no other non-Nicholas Sparks adaptation ever had? If you answered 'yes' to at least two of these questions, then The Last Song is for you. I only answered 'yes' to one of them (I'll let you guess) so I learning how train dragons long before I watch (listen to?) The Last Song.
He Shot Cyrus Prolific Grade: C+


Fletch said...

Taking an unprovoked shot at Guy Pearce? Not cool; I'm a big fan of his, though even he couldn't save the dreadful Time Machine from some years back.

Yea, not the best of times for Hollywood right now. There are very few of these that I'll see, and even fewer that I'm interested in. Green Zone and Hot Tub are about it.

Paul Arrand Rodgers said...

Taking an unprovoked shot at Adventureland? Not cool. That movie was awesome.