Top 10 of 2009...finally!

Sorry that took so long.

Top 5 Most Anticipated Films of 2009

No, that's not a typo. My Top 10 of 2009 is incognito because I still must see some must-see movies. Here's my Top 5 movies from this year that I still have to watch.

1. Cold Souls - Whitney caught this at Sundance last year and loved it. Paul Giamatti is the bomb-diggity. In this movie, he plays his bomb-diggity self as he discovers a company that will allow him to remove his soul in order to act better. I'd always assumed that actors of that caliber (Giamatti, Bridges, Brando, Morita) had already sold their souls to the devil. How else can you explain the inexplicable quality of Sideways? The DVD for Souls doesn't come out for a couple more weeks so my Top 10 list might have to wait until then. Or not.

2. Moon - Not only did Whitney get to see this at Sundance but she got quoted on the motherfreakin' trailer! "A rare gem of the sci-fi genre" was her out-of-context ticket to fame. It's been months and months since she first told me how great this was and what's worse is that the DVD is sitting by our TV right now...and I still haven't watched it. I keep telling myself "this week," "okay, this week," "I'll definitely make time next week." And now, it's gotten to the point where I have to bear my sins onto the world and admit that I still haven't seen Sam Rockwell deliver two or three of the year's most unsung performances.

3. Black Dynamite - I don't see what I wouldn't like about Black Dynamite. It's a throwback to one America's most interesting film movements. It's got sex, drugs, and kung-fu. It's got $5,000 cars and $100 suits. Afros, honkies, and a guarantee to "put my ass in traction." I don't know what that means but I'm pretty sure I want it to happen to me. And if the advertised "Cinemaphonic Quadrovision" isn't available on the DVD, I'm going to have to plan a road trip to the nation's closest Cinemaphone Quadrovision-enabled megaplex.

4. Ponyo - I don't think Ponyo's going to make the list. Don't get me wrong, I respect the hell out of Hayao Miyazaki but my current list has Anvil: The Story of Anvil holding the Number Ten spot. I just don't see Japan's magic goldfish story knocking that great doc off the list. As far as the other movies mentioned here, we'll see. Cold Souls looks off the hook. Moon seems pretty fly itself. And Black Dynamite has made some guarantees regarding my ass. Anvil's chances are looking pretty slim but it probably won't be Ponyo that knocks it off. But I still really want to see this and based off of the director's other work, I shan't be disappointed.

5. The Fantastic Mr. Fox - Have you all seen the "Wes Anderson's Spider-Man" video?" Everything it parodies is exactly what I want to see in this movie. I know it's just like his other stuff. That's what I'll be paying for. Stop-motion animation, a Roald Dahl adaptation, and every Anderson cliche money can buy. I want the hip soundtrack, the dry humor, the all-star cast. If these are all there, then this is all I want.

What are YOUR TOP 5 STILL HAVEN'T SEEN IT movies of 2009?

But to be fair...

I did not see: Bride Wars, The Unborn, Hotel for Dogs, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Inkheart, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, New in Town, The Uninvited, He's Just Not That Into You, The Pink Panther 2, Push (not Precious), Confessions of a Shopaholic, The International, Fired Up, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, The Last House on the Left, Miss March, Race to Witch Mountain, Duplicity, 12 Rounds, Fast & Furious, Dragonball Evolution, Hannah Montana: The Movie, 17 Again, Fighting, Obsessed, The Informers, Battle for Terra, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Next Day Air, Angels & Demons, Management, Dance Flick, Land of the Lost, My Life in Ruins, Imagine That, Year One, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, My Sister's Keeper, Ice Age: Dawn of the Diosaurs, I Love You Beth Cooper, G-Force, The Ugly Truth, Aliens in the Attic, The Collector, Bandslam, The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard, The Time Traveler's Wife, Post Grad, Shorts, Halloween II, All About Steve, Gamer, 9, Sorority Row, Whiteout, Jennifer's Body, Love Happens, Pandorum, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, The Stepfather, Janky Promoters, Amelia, Astro Boy, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assisstant, Saw VI, Motherhood, Gentlemen Broncos, The Box, A Christmas Carol, The Fourth Kind, The Blind Side, New Moon, Planet 51, Old Dogs, Transylmania, Did You Hear About the Morgans?, Nine, or Alvin and the Chipminks: The Squeakquel.

Top 5 Films That Wasted My Time in 2009

1. Terminator Salvation: When I heard McG had signed to the fourth Terminator installment, I found myself wishing for the Jonathan Mostow days. Those were simpler times. Just when everyone thought the series couldn't dive any lower, McG set out to prove us wrong. And prove us wrong, he did. There are some statements that I'd like to make. First, McG peaked with the Santeria video. Second, Charlie's Angels is a better film than Terminator Salvation. Third, Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle is too. This movie was trash. The writing was abysmal, the performances were painful, and can we talk about CGArnold? Give me a goddamn break. And to think...I saw this in the theater. One last note, Sam Worthington is the most forgettable actor in Hollywood. Just ask that one guy in Avatar. What's his name, again?

2. Crank 2: High Voltage: The last Statham sequel worth watching is Snatch. The second Transporter film was one of the laziest movies ever made and this Crank sequel is even worse. I can forgive the ridiculous premise but this story did not deserve a retelling. I'd rather spend two hours catching up with Gigli's characters than sifting through this over-stylized eyesore for any sort of depth or charm.

3. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: To be fair, I only watched this was because it was playing at my favorite movie theater/pub and I was in the mood for some fries. But I knew I was in trouble when my fries were gone and I still had an hour of movie-watching left. What's hurt the most about this one was that I was member of the target demographic. I was born in 1984. I'm a boy. As a child, I pretend to shoot bad guys with anything even remotely resembled a firearm. I should have loved this flick. But alas, I spent two hours wishing for anything that even remotely resembled a firearm. You hurt me, Stephen Sommers. Even worse, you hurt my inner-child.

4. Knowing: Sometimes you're in the mood for a bad movie. On those occasions, you see what TNT's got on, grab a random disc from Redbox, or head to the nearest Dollar Theater and tell them to "Bring it on!" Sometimes, you end up watching Bring it On. In May of last year, Whitney and I chose the Dollar Theater and slapped down two bucks to take a journey with Nicolas Cage, a popular pasttime in our home. Well, it was until we watching Knowing. Take one part A Beautiful Mind, one part Bible story, and two parts Nic Cage overacting and you've got one underwhelming afternoon. There is solace in knowing that, even though I wasted my time, at least I didn't waste my money.

5. The Answer Man: Originally titled Arlen Faber, this so-so piece of fluff belongs more on Hallmark Movie Channel than the Sundance lineup. To quote my Sundance review, The Answer Man "is a cute film without a lot of depth. It examines hot-button topics such as spirituality, religion, life, and death all without pressing any of those buttons. What [the director] has done is suck all of the controversy out of controversial issues. He’s taken the idea of a higher being and wrapped it in a fluffy romantic comedy. In short, moms who like going to church and watching PG-13 movies are going to like this one. This one’s for those who felt Henry Poole is Here was too much a downer and Passion of the Christ was just inappropriate." And since I'm not a church-going mom (even though my mom is), The Answer Man wasted ninety-five of my 2009 minutes.