Month of Horror: The Missing Days

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

If any of the movies on this list deserve its own post, it's Behind the Mask. A mockumentary about a Michael Myers-style serial killer sounds like the equation for an unbearable gimmicky film but that's not the case here. Before the movie had ended, I had purchased my copy off of Amazon for a ridiculously low price. The only reason Behind the Mask made it into the Month of Horror schedule was because of its numerous inclusions on "Best Horror Comedy" lists I read through about four weeks ago. I should track down those list-writers and thank them. And you should thank me once you watch this and love it as much as I did. If I could recommend one movie from these 31 horrific days, this would be the one.

Misery
Misery is the best Stephen King adaptation that's ever been commited to film. And that's including 1408. This year, my Halloween costume consisted of a brown wig, a turtleneck top, a blue jumper, and a mallet. Anyone care to guess who I went as?

Zombieland

Zombieland is the best horror comedy since Shaun of the Dead (were there others?) and the type of movie I'll end up seeing in theaters multiple times. Waiting for an eventual DVD release just doesn't seem possible. The narrative is well-structured, the comedy is tight, and the movie is fun. Really fun. The only downside comes in Jesse Eisenberg's performance (picture Michael Cera-lite) which is only minorly bothersome.

The Entity

With all the hype swirling around Paranormal Activity (the most profitable movie of all-time), it was only a matter of time before someone mentioned The Entity in their review. That person wasn't going to be me, I'd never heard of The Entity before. Whitney's friend Jacob is the man to thank for hearing about this movie (through me, of course). This movie, like Behind the Mask, really deserved its own post but an overwhelmingly busy schedule just didn't allow it. Whether or not you enjoyed PA, the odds that you'll enjoy The Entity is high, really high, Cheech and Chong high. That is, if you can stand to watch a movie about ghost rape. Barbara Hershey (Hannah and Her Sisters) stars as a single mom who starts getting harassed by an unseen force. The attacks come at random with without explaination. Together, a duo of supernatual experts and Hershey decide to take on whatever's targeted her. The Entity will most likely end up on the MoH's Top 5 list. Ignore the terrible DVD cover art and watch the awesome movie.

Pumpkinhead

Want to know how bad Pumpkinhead is? The first thirty minutes are far more engrossing than the last sixty. It's always a bad sign when the titular monster shows up and the movie gets steadily worse and worse. Following a Southern father and his adorable Coke-bottle glasses-wearing son as they go through their daily rituals is 30x more interesting and watching Pumpkinhead exude lameness.

Stigmata

How to Ruin Your Daughter's Life in Three Easy Steps: Step One - Buy a stolen crucifix that used to belong to a beloved Latin American priest. Step Two - Mail it to her. Step Three - Actually, that's all you have to do. There is no step three. I guess, if you wanted to, you could tell her that she's adopted and that her birthparents were Osmonds. That'd suck. Stigmata looks so cool that, at times, you get distracted that the plot is stupid and the movie's not really worth watching.

Psycho

Caught Hitchcock's classic at a free screening at Utah's best theater, Brewvies, where you can get burgers, fries, corndogs, pizzas, beers, and pretty much whatever else you're in the mood for and eat during the screening. The crowd was unruly and the DVD was projected in the wrong aspect ratio which made for an unforgetable night. The cast looked like midgets and the crowd came up with a drinking game for everytime a "dead thing!" showed up on screen. Maybe it was the 90+ cuts, but by the time the infamous shower scene had ended, I had forgotten all about the game. That's when one guy hit his cue with perfect timing. "DEAD THING!" Great night. Lots of fun. The only downside was when my wife won a DVD copy of the Last House on the Left remake...what if she makes me watch it? At least our Month of Horror is almost over!

Black Sunday

Mario Bava's gruesome story about vengeful witch who gets The Devil's Mask nailed to her face in a major way. The opening scene to Black Sunday is unforgettable. The subsequent scenes...not so much. It's beautifully shot; the Italian exploitation movie uses light and shadows with an expertise usually reserved for German Expressionism. The narrative is lacking, and at time, boring, but if you're going to watch one of Bava's films, this should be the one.

Swamp Thing

A campy retelling of the Frakenstein legend. Wes Craven stood at bat twice, both as writer and director. The result of his comic book adaptation is an If Troma Has Money type of film that falls somewhere between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and that Captain America movie no one else seems to remember. When you're thirty days into your Month of Horror, Swamp Thing is a welcomed change of pace. It's worth watching just for the monsterous sword fight in the film's finale. It's the best fight scene since ZOMBIE VS. SHARK!

[Note: Sorry about the messed up indentations and any other uglified elements you're not used to seeing at He Shot Cyrus. Blogger has decided to be difficult lately and as much as I hate it, switching to a Dot Com just makes me queezy.]

[Note: Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.]

Month of Horror - MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT

I BURY THE LIVING!
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2
SHAUN OF THE DEAD
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS
JU-ON
THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS

HALLOWEEN

14-Hour Horror Movie Marathon
Halloween Party
At My House!

Month of Horror - Day 26: Zombie

Zombies are the best monsters ever. Vampires are boring. Wolfmen show up as frequenly as periods. Mummies remind me of the Michelin Man. Zombies travel in packs, eat human flesh, and have no qualms about ruining your life.

Along with Ghoulies and Condorman, the movie poster for Zombie has stuck with me since childhood. It's sat on the Instant Queue (isn't it nice how that phrase has entered filmlovers' vocab this year?) for a while, waiting for the perfect time to either sink or swim. Well folks, tonight was the night, and this movie swims. It's the Michael Phelps of Italian zombie pictures. If it weren't for a few lesser scenes, one could argue this movie against Dawn of the Dead as the best late-70s flesh-eating flick.

The blood, gore, and general "grossness" of Zombie put the movie on a fast track toward Video Nasty lists all over Europe. It earned an X rating here in the States. The poster has nothing on the cool stuff you'll see in the movie. Director Lucio Fulci had a thing for letting the characters' insides trade places with their outsides. And then there's the eye-gouging scene. The eye-gouging scene will stick with you into your last days.

Like other Italian horror movies, it's easy to spot which actors are actually speaking English and which ones recorded their scenes in Italian and were dubbed over. All of the performances are equally strong; none of the characters really stick out past one another. But some of the scenes stick out so much further than the others. I mentioned the eye-gouging but I didn't mention the shark!

This is the only movie in existence to have a ZOMBIE VS. SHARK BATTLE! It's okay if you don't believe your eyes, because I didn't at first either. But here's photographic evidence that someone, somewhere, filmed an underwater scene between God's two greatest creatures. And don't just think that they wrestle around a little and that's it. Oh no no no, there's blood, my friends. But I can't tell you whose.

We've watch a lot of good movies this month, but this one gets the El Gringo Official Tip of the Afro. If you don't believe me, take a look at this picture of Danny DeVito right after he watched Zombie.

Month of Horror - Day 24: Fido

Timmy Robinson is a typical 1950s American boy in a not-so-typical 1950s America. The same radiation we hoped would warm our burritos has also had some adverse effects on our country's dead. Thirty years after the Zombie War, a powerful corporation called ZombieCom developed domesticization collars which would allow good ol' fashioned white folk to turn the undead into unpaid servants. It's difficult to ignore that there aren't any black people in this U.S.A. and that's the definitely not in the film by accident. Racial injustice is one of the many issues that Fido tries to touch on. Zombie films have commented on social issues before (Night of the Living Dead and racism, Dawn of the Dead and consumerism) but I don't know if any of them have tried to tackle as many as Fido. And while that sets Fido up to be stronger, the result is a film that's been spread too thin.

Fido is Zombie Lite. The gore is PG-13. The humor chuckle-inspiring. Think "Leave it to Beaver" + Shaun of the Dead + Far from Heaven. Dad works too hard, mom's unhappy in her marriage, child's feeling neglected, dad is replaced by a zombie-minority, corporate America attacks the transformed family who rebels and solidifies their status, which is then misreported by the news media. Whew. Fido tried to be a lot of things but all it really ends up being is a cute, charming, nice, light movie that speaks softly on important issues while lacking the confidence to say what it means.

Month of Horror: Dracula

"Isn't this a strange conversation for men who aren't crazy?"

It's always been my dream to have villagers speak my name with fear. Knowing that all references to me are made in whispers...that'd be satisfying. But I don't see it ever happening. I'm yet to own a castle, my bed isn't a box, and I buy my clothes from Threadless. People don't speak my name in fear, they shout it across parking lots, trying to get my attention--just to give me a Head Nod Hello. Yes, I see you. Here's my uninspired Hand Wave Head Nod response. After high school, I had to make the choice: hire a PR group to get my name out among any surrounding villages or go to film school. Today, my talkative neighbor refused to let me go to work without first hearing about her daughter's swim meet. It was then that I knew I had made the wrong decision.

Count Dracula may not be living but he's living the dream. Those Hungarians know he isn't interesting in swim meets or stew recipies. So they leave him the hell alone. But the Count doesn't make his lifestyle out to be all roses. In fact, shortly after we meet him, he packs up his belongings and moves to England. Maybe the high amounts of rain let him go out more than beautiful, sunny, Transylvania. While he doesn't seem to have many friends back home, he's quickly accepted into England's social circles. Those blue bloods will let anyone with ball attire enter their homes. They'll even invite them in when necessary.

Before this goes any further, I have something to say. Count Dracula wouldn't do his own carriage driving. There's no way he's hopping up on that buggy and running those horses down the mountain. Although, if you're trying to keep the whole vampire thing under wraps, you probably end up doing quite a bit of multitasking. You wouldn't hire a cook or a maid--they might get suspicious, especially when all you consume is O-positive. But that's no reason to let your house end up in such an slipshod state. Look at that giant spider web. It'd take less effort to clean it up than to keep walking around it.

No wonder he didn't want houseguests, Count Dracula is a slob. He probably has a room full of old newspapers that he refuses to throw away. Maybe he's a hoarder who felt it was easier to move than to organize his life. Dracula needs to learn that he can't sail away from his problems.

Remember that movie Van Helsing?

The one where he looked like this:

The casting director for this movie went in a different direction:

But Edward Van Sloan's version is much more badass. He has literally no fear of vampires. Actually, no one in this movie does. When they discover Count Dracula's less-than-human condition, they don't freak out; they don't form an angry mob. They hang out with him some more, get to know the guy, and slowly formulate a plan to maybe do something about it sometime. When Dracula tries to hypnotise him, it simply doesn't work. He just doesn't allow it. That's how cool this guy is. But even so, I bet he can't run into an old college buddy he's purposely been avoiding and not "catch up" for half an hour instead of doing the grocery shopping he came there to do.

Month of Horror - Day Eleven: Fright Night

"Who are you that interupts my nightly feeding?"

Fright Night is the type of movie I would have loved when I was a kid--had I been allowed to watch R-rated movies. Don't worry, The Little Vampire was a fine replacement. So were the made-for-TV Goosebumps shorts. This movie has all my favorite things from back then, monsters, jokes, and boobs. Tonight, we right a childhood wrong and watch a movie that I'm sure to like more than Disney's Halloweentown or any of the other God-awful Horror Films for Families I was subjected to throughout my formative years.

When an attractive gay couple moves in next door to a nosy teen with voyueristic hobbies, trouble ensues as the boy accuses one of them of being a vampire. He builds a bullshit case with a slew of "evidence" like "he killed a woman" and "he drank her blood before shoving the remains in his car trunk." Typical bullshit like that. Like any young homophobe, he enlists the help of his straight, white, virgin girlfriend, his annoying buddy, and the local pedophilic TV host. Together, this ragtag group performs a series of Vampire Tests and then decides to commit a hate crime.

History has given us a plethora of lovable sidekicks. Millhouse, Gromit, and Ethel Merman, just to name a few. In some cases, you like the sidekicks more than their more celebrated counterparts. Chewie, Goose, and Pedro just to name a few. Other times, you hope the sidekick dies. Fright Night's "Evil" Ed Thompson is the most annoying character ever recorded onto celluloid. He's worse than Jar Jar. Worse than the Klumps. He's even worse than postpubescent Rudy Huxtable. The high levels of "awfulness" in voice and the lack of sleeves on his t-shirts puts this little jackass on my list. That's right, Evil Ed made the list, right between "Deities" and "Florida."

As a vampire movie, Fright Night works. It plays with the mythology, provides an appropriate amount of gore, and has an 80s soundtrack soon to be downloaded by this writer. The Lost Boys is definitely the best vampire flick of the decade, but this one's up there. The only problem with movies like this are that the first act sets up a group of antagonists and the last act is comprised of taking them out...one by one by one by one. It takes forever and the killings in Fright Night aren't that spectacular. That being said, when the straight, white, virgin gets lured into a life of vampirism, whoever was in charge of make-up should have won an Oscar. Want proof?

Month of Horror - Day Eight: The Changling

"It's an old house, it makes noises"

The Changeling stars George C. Scott as John Russell, a composer whose wife and child die in a freak hit by a semi truck accident. He moves into a mansion where he quickly realizes that he's not alone. But before we get into all that, I'm feeling an unstoppable urge to rant. Please excuse me, this won't take but a minute.

This guy...THIS GUY...he deserves that he gets. He buys a gigantic three story mansion and for what? It's not like he has a wife and daughter to live there with him! What's he going to do with all those rooms? He's gonna get haunted! That's what he's gonna do! Little dead boys are going to live in his bathtubs and his windows are going to bust all out. Don't ask me to feel sorry for him, rich old man, he can buy new windows. What he should do is rent out those rooms real cheap to people who don't have rooms, sad old man...his piano playing ass could use the company.

Sorry about that, it had to be said. Don't judge the movie on my anger. Last year's marathon was sort of disappointing. This year's been nothing but home runs. The Fly, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, The Stepford Wives, Evil Dead II, and more! I have to wholly recommend The Changeling to any fans of horror/thriller/mystery movies. This isn't really a review, I'm not going to go into a lot of the details of the film. Just trust me and make the leap. The Changeling gets a 10/10.

Month of Horror - Day Two: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

"Here you go, Jesus. You'll need this to kill that

jackrabbit albino son of a bitch."

I know what you're thinking. "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter? Sounds boring."

With any other movie, you might be right. But with this one, you couldn't be more wronger. Take one part New Testament, one part Troma, and three parts low-budget bloodsucking and you've got Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I've got to say, even though The Passion of the Christ had more blood and guts, this movie is even more entertaining. And Phil Caracas' Jesus is definitely my favorite on-screen Mr. Christ of all-time (sorry, Mr. Dafoe).

When the world's lesbians become a target for bloodthirsty vampires, it's up to Jesus Christ and his Mexican wrestling buddy El Santo to save the day. It just occured to me, this is the perfect movie. If enough people saw this, Hollywood as we know it would be forced to shut down. Screenwriters around the world would throw out their laptops and get real jobs like oil rig work. Then all Starbucks Coffee locations would have to shut down and capitalism would crumble.

Good thing no one's ever seen this movie.

Actually, it played at the Slamdance Film Festival and has since found a cult following and a spot in the Netflix Instant Watch library. Shot on 16mm Bolex cameras with subpar sound dubbing used for all the dialogue, JCVH is exactly what fans of independent so bad they're good movies are looking for. The action is hokey, the music is all homemade disco-inspired techno, and the acting is something else.

The inclusion of Mexican wrestling legend El Santo (played here by some obese white guy) as Jesus' sidekick was inspiring. This movie combines my three favorite things, lucha libre, all things sacrilegious, and the fight against injustice towards homosexuals.

Plus, check out the babe in the Psychosis mask.
Go see this movie, then show it to your mom.