Month of Horror - Day 26: Zombie

Zombies are the best monsters ever. Vampires are boring. Wolfmen show up as frequenly as periods. Mummies remind me of the Michelin Man. Zombies travel in packs, eat human flesh, and have no qualms about ruining your life.

Along with Ghoulies and Condorman, the movie poster for Zombie has stuck with me since childhood. It's sat on the Instant Queue (isn't it nice how that phrase has entered filmlovers' vocab this year?) for a while, waiting for the perfect time to either sink or swim. Well folks, tonight was the night, and this movie swims. It's the Michael Phelps of Italian zombie pictures. If it weren't for a few lesser scenes, one could argue this movie against Dawn of the Dead as the best late-70s flesh-eating flick.

The blood, gore, and general "grossness" of Zombie put the movie on a fast track toward Video Nasty lists all over Europe. It earned an X rating here in the States. The poster has nothing on the cool stuff you'll see in the movie. Director Lucio Fulci had a thing for letting the characters' insides trade places with their outsides. And then there's the eye-gouging scene. The eye-gouging scene will stick with you into your last days.

Like other Italian horror movies, it's easy to spot which actors are actually speaking English and which ones recorded their scenes in Italian and were dubbed over. All of the performances are equally strong; none of the characters really stick out past one another. But some of the scenes stick out so much further than the others. I mentioned the eye-gouging but I didn't mention the shark!

This is the only movie in existence to have a ZOMBIE VS. SHARK BATTLE! It's okay if you don't believe your eyes, because I didn't at first either. But here's photographic evidence that someone, somewhere, filmed an underwater scene between God's two greatest creatures. And don't just think that they wrestle around a little and that's it. Oh no no no, there's blood, my friends. But I can't tell you whose.

We've watch a lot of good movies this month, but this one gets the El Gringo Official Tip of the Afro. If you don't believe me, take a look at this picture of Danny DeVito right after he watched Zombie.

Month of Horror - Day 06: Hellraiser

"What does 'gone' mean?"

If you ever find yourself in 1992 and want to terrify an eight year old child, just introduce him/her to Pinhead. Doesn't have to be the movie; even those trading cards will do. The VHS box did it to me. Hellraiser, along with Ghoulies, Silent Night Deadly Night, and Condorman, had one of the most memorable posters of my childhood. Even though that pincushion face was seared into my brain almost two decade ago, I never watched Hellraiser...that is...until tonight!

Watching Hellraiser in my formative years wouldn't have scarred me. But that's only because I wouldn't have understood what was going on. Sure, the word "sex" might have become synonymous with flesh hooks and rodent slayings, but these days, if you haven't shoved a hook through your lover by 4th Grade Finals Week, then you're behind the curve.

This was Clive Barker's first feature film. He wrote the novel, adapted the screenplay, and directed the movie. He only cost a cool million and brought in twenty times that. After that major success, he flopped with Nightbreed, and had a minor success with Lord of Illusions. Known mostly for his writings, Barker is quoted by the World's Most Reliable Source, Wikipedia, as being "one of the leading authors of contemporary horror/fantasy." His story, "The Forbidden" served as the source material for Candyman, a film I want to watch this month.

The most horrific part of Hellraiser is watching this woman screw.

The plot is interesting enough and the blood and guts keep the pace up. Something I didn't realize was that the Cenobites weren't the main baddies, they served as more of a background group, the Sci-Fi Supremes, if you will. Their distinctive looks made them the most interesting part of Hellraiser which is probably why Pinhead showed up on everything from lunchboxes to bobbleheads.

But there's one thing that I noticed

about them, maybe you'll agree.

The Cenobites remind me of the
Superman II villains + the live-action Koopa Troopas.

Another 12 Movies Meme

Excerpt from The Dancing Image:

So now I propose a new list-making venture for all of you reading this: imagine that you can screen 12 hard-to-see movies that you've personally never viewed before. And since all memes need a catchy name, call this the "Holy Grail" list.
Here are the rules:
1. List 12 movies you've never, ever seen before. 2. Films cannot be availible on Netflix. 3. Organize the 12 movies any way you want. 4. Credit The Dancing Image and Lazy Eye Theatre. 5. Tag five people to keep the meme going.

Here's my Holy Grail list:

Joe's Bed-Stuy Barbershop: We Cut Heads (1983)

Spike Lee's first feature film. Actually, it was his MFA thesis project. If I had to make a film right now for my MA, it's probably look like Andy Milonakis tried to remake High Fidelity in a video store.

...All the Marbles (1981)

Peter Falk and his group of female pro wrestlers are going for all the marbles.
If you don't think that sounds fantastic...fuck you.

Cool as Ice (1991)

The Vanilla Ice movie. I heard it's like House Party meets The Magnificent Ambersons. Then I told my uncle to stop drinking and to get out of my room. Although, he was probably right in assuming that Cool as Ice will see a DVD release first.

The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979)

A failing basketball team hires an astrologist to switch up the players so that they're all under the same zodiac symbol. The new players are all Pisces, hence the title, The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh.

Crows Zero (2007)

First heard about this from Keith over at The Kinetoscope Parlor. He said the final showdown is not to be missed. So, why am I missing it, damnit? 'Cause I'm waiting for an American DVD release. Looks like I'll be waiting for quite a while, especially since a trip to my favorite Chinatown DVD store will now involve a 12-hour drive.

Condorman (1981)

Nothing screams "RENT THIS, KID" like Michael Crawford about to trust his life to a badly designed hang-gliding mechanism. At six years old, this VHS cover was right up there with Ghoulies and Shocker.

Cannery Row (1982)

I used to live near Cannery Row. That's honestly the only reason I'd ever watch this movie.

Amazing Grace and Chuck (1987)

A little league player decides to boycott baseball until all of America's nuclear weapons are disarmed. A famous basketball player hears about this and decides to do the same thing.

My family owned a copy of this movie for years. I never watched it. Didn't watch Johnathan Livingston Seagull either. As long as we're reminiscing, I never threw my mom's copy of Chariots of Fire. Maybe some things are just better left unwatched.

Airborne (1993)

Another Kinetoscope Parlor recommendation. This slot might have gone to North Shore if Netflix didn't have it. It also might have gone to Rad had I not seen it before. Come to think of it, an Airborne/North Shore/Rad/Thrashin' movie marathon just might have to happen soon. Now to get my hands on a copy of Airborne.

Chopping Mall (1986)

I've been wanting to watch this movie for years. Years! The cover art looks like a R.L. Stein book. Not a Goosebumps book, but one of those Fear Street books. Anyone know if this one's even worth tracking down?

12 + 1 (1969)

Mario (not the mushroom-eating plumber) recieves thirteen antique chairs. He sells all of them off only to find out that one of them is worth a fortune. He has to track down this specific chair and sets out on a trip to do so. The only problem is that he has no idea which chair is the valuable one. Sounded interesting to me, thought I'd add it to the list. Also, this was Sharon Tate's last movie...you know, before the Charlie Manson girls murdered her.

Howard the Duck (1986)

Lucasfilm involvment? Check.
Star of Caroline in the City? Check.
2 million dollar duck suit? Check.

What more do you need?


There's my Holy Grail list. I tag the following people to keep the meme going:
Whitney @ Dear Jesus
Brian @ Dear Jesus
Keith @ The Kinetoscope Parlor
J.D. @ Valley Dreamin'
Derek @ Son of Double Feature