Why Remake Movies When You Can Combine Them?

When shopping costs you an arm and a leg...
because Paul Blart ate them.

Miss March of the Penguins: It's Better than The Ape.

The heartbreaking story of a man who just didn't know better.

We got to do something...You know what we are gonna do?
Rape and murder party!

This is what Joaquin Phoenix sees when he dreams.

Some fight for power. Some fight for Snuffaluffagus.

Note: Those kids don't look very excited about the race.

Another 12 Movies Meme

Excerpt from The Dancing Image:

So now I propose a new list-making venture for all of you reading this: imagine that you can screen 12 hard-to-see movies that you've personally never viewed before. And since all memes need a catchy name, call this the "Holy Grail" list.
Here are the rules:
1. List 12 movies you've never, ever seen before. 2. Films cannot be availible on Netflix. 3. Organize the 12 movies any way you want. 4. Credit The Dancing Image and Lazy Eye Theatre. 5. Tag five people to keep the meme going.

Here's my Holy Grail list:

Joe's Bed-Stuy Barbershop: We Cut Heads (1983)

Spike Lee's first feature film. Actually, it was his MFA thesis project. If I had to make a film right now for my MA, it's probably look like Andy Milonakis tried to remake High Fidelity in a video store.

...All the Marbles (1981)

Peter Falk and his group of female pro wrestlers are going for all the marbles.
If you don't think that sounds fantastic...fuck you.

Cool as Ice (1991)

The Vanilla Ice movie. I heard it's like House Party meets The Magnificent Ambersons. Then I told my uncle to stop drinking and to get out of my room. Although, he was probably right in assuming that Cool as Ice will see a DVD release first.

The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979)

A failing basketball team hires an astrologist to switch up the players so that they're all under the same zodiac symbol. The new players are all Pisces, hence the title, The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh.

Crows Zero (2007)

First heard about this from Keith over at The Kinetoscope Parlor. He said the final showdown is not to be missed. So, why am I missing it, damnit? 'Cause I'm waiting for an American DVD release. Looks like I'll be waiting for quite a while, especially since a trip to my favorite Chinatown DVD store will now involve a 12-hour drive.

Condorman (1981)

Nothing screams "RENT THIS, KID" like Michael Crawford about to trust his life to a badly designed hang-gliding mechanism. At six years old, this VHS cover was right up there with Ghoulies and Shocker.

Cannery Row (1982)

I used to live near Cannery Row. That's honestly the only reason I'd ever watch this movie.

Amazing Grace and Chuck (1987)

A little league player decides to boycott baseball until all of America's nuclear weapons are disarmed. A famous basketball player hears about this and decides to do the same thing.

My family owned a copy of this movie for years. I never watched it. Didn't watch Johnathan Livingston Seagull either. As long as we're reminiscing, I never threw my mom's copy of Chariots of Fire. Maybe some things are just better left unwatched.

Airborne (1993)

Another Kinetoscope Parlor recommendation. This slot might have gone to North Shore if Netflix didn't have it. It also might have gone to Rad had I not seen it before. Come to think of it, an Airborne/North Shore/Rad/Thrashin' movie marathon just might have to happen soon. Now to get my hands on a copy of Airborne.

Chopping Mall (1986)

I've been wanting to watch this movie for years. Years! The cover art looks like a R.L. Stein book. Not a Goosebumps book, but one of those Fear Street books. Anyone know if this one's even worth tracking down?

12 + 1 (1969)

Mario (not the mushroom-eating plumber) recieves thirteen antique chairs. He sells all of them off only to find out that one of them is worth a fortune. He has to track down this specific chair and sets out on a trip to do so. The only problem is that he has no idea which chair is the valuable one. Sounded interesting to me, thought I'd add it to the list. Also, this was Sharon Tate's last movie...you know, before the Charlie Manson girls murdered her.

Howard the Duck (1986)

Lucasfilm involvment? Check.
Star of Caroline in the City? Check.
2 million dollar duck suit? Check.

What more do you need?


There's my Holy Grail list. I tag the following people to keep the meme going:
Whitney @ Dear Jesus
Brian @ Dear Jesus
Keith @ The Kinetoscope Parlor
J.D. @ Valley Dreamin'
Derek @ Son of Double Feature