Month of Horror - Day 26: Zombie

Zombies are the best monsters ever. Vampires are boring. Wolfmen show up as frequenly as periods. Mummies remind me of the Michelin Man. Zombies travel in packs, eat human flesh, and have no qualms about ruining your life.

Along with Ghoulies and Condorman, the movie poster for Zombie has stuck with me since childhood. It's sat on the Instant Queue (isn't it nice how that phrase has entered filmlovers' vocab this year?) for a while, waiting for the perfect time to either sink or swim. Well folks, tonight was the night, and this movie swims. It's the Michael Phelps of Italian zombie pictures. If it weren't for a few lesser scenes, one could argue this movie against Dawn of the Dead as the best late-70s flesh-eating flick.

The blood, gore, and general "grossness" of Zombie put the movie on a fast track toward Video Nasty lists all over Europe. It earned an X rating here in the States. The poster has nothing on the cool stuff you'll see in the movie. Director Lucio Fulci had a thing for letting the characters' insides trade places with their outsides. And then there's the eye-gouging scene. The eye-gouging scene will stick with you into your last days.

Like other Italian horror movies, it's easy to spot which actors are actually speaking English and which ones recorded their scenes in Italian and were dubbed over. All of the performances are equally strong; none of the characters really stick out past one another. But some of the scenes stick out so much further than the others. I mentioned the eye-gouging but I didn't mention the shark!

This is the only movie in existence to have a ZOMBIE VS. SHARK BATTLE! It's okay if you don't believe your eyes, because I didn't at first either. But here's photographic evidence that someone, somewhere, filmed an underwater scene between God's two greatest creatures. And don't just think that they wrestle around a little and that's it. Oh no no no, there's blood, my friends. But I can't tell you whose.

We've watch a lot of good movies this month, but this one gets the El Gringo Official Tip of the Afro. If you don't believe me, take a look at this picture of Danny DeVito right after he watched Zombie.

Month of Horror - Day 06: Hellraiser

"What does 'gone' mean?"

If you ever find yourself in 1992 and want to terrify an eight year old child, just introduce him/her to Pinhead. Doesn't have to be the movie; even those trading cards will do. The VHS box did it to me. Hellraiser, along with Ghoulies, Silent Night Deadly Night, and Condorman, had one of the most memorable posters of my childhood. Even though that pincushion face was seared into my brain almost two decade ago, I never watched Hellraiser...that is...until tonight!

Watching Hellraiser in my formative years wouldn't have scarred me. But that's only because I wouldn't have understood what was going on. Sure, the word "sex" might have become synonymous with flesh hooks and rodent slayings, but these days, if you haven't shoved a hook through your lover by 4th Grade Finals Week, then you're behind the curve.

This was Clive Barker's first feature film. He wrote the novel, adapted the screenplay, and directed the movie. He only cost a cool million and brought in twenty times that. After that major success, he flopped with Nightbreed, and had a minor success with Lord of Illusions. Known mostly for his writings, Barker is quoted by the World's Most Reliable Source, Wikipedia, as being "one of the leading authors of contemporary horror/fantasy." His story, "The Forbidden" served as the source material for Candyman, a film I want to watch this month.

The most horrific part of Hellraiser is watching this woman screw.

The plot is interesting enough and the blood and guts keep the pace up. Something I didn't realize was that the Cenobites weren't the main baddies, they served as more of a background group, the Sci-Fi Supremes, if you will. Their distinctive looks made them the most interesting part of Hellraiser which is probably why Pinhead showed up on everything from lunchboxes to bobbleheads.

But there's one thing that I noticed

about them, maybe you'll agree.

The Cenobites remind me of the
Superman II villains + the live-action Koopa Troopas.