Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked

Yesterday, I watched an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where Frank (Danny DeVito) wears a hospital gown while performing a three-sixty spin. As if from a sign above, I was inspired to write my Top 5 Actors I Never Wanted to See Naked list. I also wanted to give you all something to comment about. It is the last day to comment for March's Thanks for Writing contest, so let me know which celebs you could have done without seeing in the nude.

Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give: Who expected nudity in a Nicholson/Keaton PG-13 rom-com?  That's like renting The Odd Couple II expecting to see Walter Matthau's junk. But anyone unfortunate enough to buy a ticket for Gotta Give, received an unwelcome flash of elderly flesh.  Jack Nicholson's butt definitely earned its spot on this list.  Although, in retrospect, the film's nude scene is way less offensive than the picture I just posted.   Whoops.

Willem Dafoe in Antichrist: I'm not alone on this one, am I?  Did the Green Goblin make anyone's Nudity Wish List?  If he was on yours, then Lars Von Trier has made a movie for you! While the cinematography is beautiful, the content is less than.  And the quantity!  Oh Lord, the quantity!  This isn't a brief scene, partially hidden by shadow or anything, from what I haven't mentally blocked, he's naked through the whole movie.    

Glenn Close in The Big Chill: This picture still gives me chills.  There's nothing about this I enjoy.  Strike One: It's Glenn Close.  Strike Two: She's naked.  Strike Three: She's CRYING!  I wholly understand that this scene wasn't supposed to be erotic but did the director really have to try and ruin any future erotic moments to come?  I consider this scene to be a hostile act towards sexuality of any kind.   

Kathy Bates in About Schmidt: Take the unexpectedness of Something's Gotta Give and throw in Kathy Bates's naked 54-year-old body.  First time I saw it, I felt like this.  Schmidt is a criminally-underrated film but this mid-movie surprise...just hurt.  Bates should be proud for having the guts to (literally?) pull it off but I'd be lying if I said that I ever wanted to watch her do it.

 

Kevin Bacon in Wild Things: Before the internet made nudity delightfully unavoidable, teenage boys entered a high-risk world of R-rated theater-hopping, bootleg VHS tapes, and late night Cinemax screenings.  Each year introduced its own coveted title that would instantly become the Must-See movie.  1995 had Showgirls.  1996 had Striptease.  1997 had Boogie Nights.  And 1998 had Wild Things.  

High school began for me under the reign of Wild Things.  I was promised Denise Richards.  I was promised Neve Campbell.  I was promised Denise Richard and Neve Campbell.  And while (some of) those promises were kept, a surprise performance by Kevin's Bacon added insult to injury.  If having to sit through this terribly-made movie wasn't bad enough, the full-frontal shower scene was worse than any religion's repentance process.  Still though, for hormone-crazed teens, Wild Things delivered more than 1999's Must-See flick.

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

Troy Duffy's much talked about sequel has finally seen the light of day--one decade after the original. The first Boondock Saints had a release date soon after Colombine which led to limited distribution. Some movies, like Collateral Damage, tanked because of situations like this but Saints found a devoted following on DVD. Colombine wasn't the only thing holding Boondock Saints back. The writer/director is well-known for his downright "assholishness." Watch Overnight if you don't believe me. While making the first film, Duffy burned every bridge he crossed and all but guaranteed that a sequel would never be made.

Two factors played into getting the sequel made. First, an undying demand from people like you and me. Second, Duffy's knowlege that no one would give him money for anything other than a Boondocks sequel. All interested parties took their places and eventually produced something I could pay to watch. But did they make something worth paying for?

Yeah, they did.

If you're planning on watching the new one, watch the first one the night before. That way, you can watch your favorite characters age ten years overnight. The crew is a little haggard but the principal players slip back into character with ease. As far the the new characters, Julie Benz holds her own as Eunice Bloom, the FBI Special Agent working on the Saints case. She winks at the camera a little too often but as a Dafoe replacement, she doesn't leave the viewer craving the old days. Clifton Collins Jr., who has proven, time and time again, that he's a force to be reckoned with, plays Romeo, a wild-eyed fighter who joins the Irish twins through their hi-jinks. A couple cameos towards the end of the picture won't disappoint. Trust me.

Let's talk about action. Yes, the sequel's funny. It's well-acted. The plot makes a decent amount of sense. But the action is, as they say in the fishing community, "off the hook." Shootouts, stand-offs, and FIREFIGHTS! The son of the executed Yakavetta mob boss has a priest killed in an attempt to bring the Saints back. It works. But when they do come back so do their executions. This time, the boys take on the entire crime family and place a lot of pennies on a lot of eyes. The body count is WAY up from the original. All in all, I still like the first one more but this was worth watching and definitely worth watching again. If you like it when (in movies) people shoot other people--this is the movie for you.

Month of Horror - Day Two: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

"Here you go, Jesus. You'll need this to kill that

jackrabbit albino son of a bitch."

I know what you're thinking. "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter? Sounds boring."

With any other movie, you might be right. But with this one, you couldn't be more wronger. Take one part New Testament, one part Troma, and three parts low-budget bloodsucking and you've got Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I've got to say, even though The Passion of the Christ had more blood and guts, this movie is even more entertaining. And Phil Caracas' Jesus is definitely my favorite on-screen Mr. Christ of all-time (sorry, Mr. Dafoe).

When the world's lesbians become a target for bloodthirsty vampires, it's up to Jesus Christ and his Mexican wrestling buddy El Santo to save the day. It just occured to me, this is the perfect movie. If enough people saw this, Hollywood as we know it would be forced to shut down. Screenwriters around the world would throw out their laptops and get real jobs like oil rig work. Then all Starbucks Coffee locations would have to shut down and capitalism would crumble.

Good thing no one's ever seen this movie.

Actually, it played at the Slamdance Film Festival and has since found a cult following and a spot in the Netflix Instant Watch library. Shot on 16mm Bolex cameras with subpar sound dubbing used for all the dialogue, JCVH is exactly what fans of independent so bad they're good movies are looking for. The action is hokey, the music is all homemade disco-inspired techno, and the acting is something else.

The inclusion of Mexican wrestling legend El Santo (played here by some obese white guy) as Jesus' sidekick was inspiring. This movie combines my three favorite things, lucha libre, all things sacrilegious, and the fight against injustice towards homosexuals.

Plus, check out the babe in the Psychosis mask.
Go see this movie, then show it to your mom.