Month of Horror - Day Two: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

"Here you go, Jesus. You'll need this to kill that

jackrabbit albino son of a bitch."

I know what you're thinking. "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter? Sounds boring."

With any other movie, you might be right. But with this one, you couldn't be more wronger. Take one part New Testament, one part Troma, and three parts low-budget bloodsucking and you've got Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I've got to say, even though The Passion of the Christ had more blood and guts, this movie is even more entertaining. And Phil Caracas' Jesus is definitely my favorite on-screen Mr. Christ of all-time (sorry, Mr. Dafoe).

When the world's lesbians become a target for bloodthirsty vampires, it's up to Jesus Christ and his Mexican wrestling buddy El Santo to save the day. It just occured to me, this is the perfect movie. If enough people saw this, Hollywood as we know it would be forced to shut down. Screenwriters around the world would throw out their laptops and get real jobs like oil rig work. Then all Starbucks Coffee locations would have to shut down and capitalism would crumble.

Good thing no one's ever seen this movie.

Actually, it played at the Slamdance Film Festival and has since found a cult following and a spot in the Netflix Instant Watch library. Shot on 16mm Bolex cameras with subpar sound dubbing used for all the dialogue, JCVH is exactly what fans of independent so bad they're good movies are looking for. The action is hokey, the music is all homemade disco-inspired techno, and the acting is something else.

The inclusion of Mexican wrestling legend El Santo (played here by some obese white guy) as Jesus' sidekick was inspiring. This movie combines my three favorite things, lucha libre, all things sacrilegious, and the fight against injustice towards homosexuals.

Plus, check out the babe in the Psychosis mask.
Go see this movie, then show it to your mom.

31 Horror Movies in 31 Days

Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor put out a challenge. Watch one horror movie a day each day in October. Well, I did it! Here's a rundown and some quick reviews of the movies I watched this month. Then I'll rank them at the end. If you participated in a Month of Terror challenge, leave your lists here. And if you just watched some really great horror movies lately, tell us what they were.

Night One: The Virgin Spring

This might seem like an odd film to start things off but Ingmar Bergman's 14th century Swedish fable tale (that sounds awful) inspired a slew of rape revenge movies like Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave. The film is beautifully shot and the performances are outstanding. The closing scene is more than memorable.

Night Two: Poltergeist

Night Three: A Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors

Dream Warriors is my favorite Elm Street movie. Admit it, the puppeteer scene made you well "Ohhh shit..." when you first saw it. Patricia Arquette may not be great but for what she lacks the Dokken soundtrack more than makes up for. "We're the dream warriors, don't want to dream no more! We're the dream warriors, and maybe tonight...maybe tonight you'll be gone!" Oh yeah, that's nice.

Night Four: The Innocents

Night Five: Poltergeist II
Night Six: Poltergeist III
Night Seven: Pulse
Night Eight: John Carpenter's Vampires

Night Nine: Cube

A group of strangers wake up in a giant Rubik's Cube of death. The death scenes are entertaining, the acting is surprisingly impressive for such a low budget film, and the cinematography creates a sense of claustrophobia that connects the viewer with the characters. Don't miss Cube. Don't even wait until next October to rent it. You are going to like Cube.

Night Ten: Dead Zone

Night Eleven: Frankenhooker

You can read my Frankenhooker review here. Go read it or at least check out the screencaps. Want the plot? Here's the plot. A science nerd accidently chops up his girlfriend and the proceeds to invent Super Crack in order blow up a bunch of hookers which he'll stitch together to reanimate his lost love. A Fugees reunion wouldn't make me as happy as Frankenhooker did.

Night Twelve: The Lost Boys
Night Thirteen: Silent Night, Deadly Night
Night Fourteen: The Exorcist
Night Fifteen: The Howling

Night Sixteen: Someone's Watching Me

You can read my Someone's Watching Me review here. It was a part of my Never Heard of It series. Directed by John Carpenter, this made-for-TV psychological thriller was made right after Halloween was released. Some might call it an homage of Rear Window, others might not have such kind words.

Night Seventeen: Sleepy Hollow
Night Eighteen: In the Mouth of Madness
Night Nineteen: The Amityville Horror

Night Twenty: Deliver Us from Evil

A documentary on Catholic priests and the children they loved. This one might have been the scariest movie I watched. Maybe the scariest movie I've ever watched. Ever. Organized religion is much scarier than Jason, Michael, and Freddy combined.

Night Twenty One: Twilight Zone: The Movie
Night Twenty Two: Carrie

Night Twenty Three: Dead and Buried

Whooo-eeee this was a great movie. Whitney rented this one and I wasn't excited by the title or the Netflix sleeve description. Then the movie started and whooo-eeee. This one's got everything: zombies, nudity, and Evil Grandpa Joe!

Night Twenty Four: Nightmare on Elm Street

Night Twenty Five: Gut Pile

You can read my review of Gut Pile here. Don't bother reading it, I'll fill you in. Gut Pile blows. It's shot on a camcorder, features a POV Monster, and seems hella long even though it's less than an hour long.

Night Twenty Six: Shaun of the Dead
Night Twenty Seven: The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Night Twenty Eight: Creepshow
Night Twenty Nine: Martin
Night Thirty: The Twilight Zone

Night Thirty One: Halloween

Had to end the month with Halloween. It's got the best villian, the best music, and the best use of Donald Pleasence. Anytime someone asks me what my favorite horror movie is, Halloween is always my answer.

Here's how'd I rank how much I enjoyed these movies:
Halloween
Frankenhooker
Shaun of the Dead
Cube
The Lost Boys
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Deliver Us from Evil
Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors
Nightmare on Elm Street
Twilight Zone: The Movie
The Virgin Spring
Dead and Buried
The Exorcist
John Carpenter's Vampires
Poltergeist III
Dead Zone
Poltergeist
Silent Night, Deadly Night
Someone's Watching Me
Creepshow
Sleepy Hollow
The Twilight Zone (A Few Episodes)
Carrie
The Amityville Horror
Martin
In the Mouth of Madness
Poltergeist II
The Innocents
The Howling
Pulse
Gut Pile

It was a hell of a month. Some nights felt like a chore, especially when the movies were bad, but now that it's done, I'm glad I did it. I keep trying to convince Whitney to watch 28 romantic comedies in February but somehow, I don't think she's going to go for it.