Thursday, December 11, 2008

Top 5 Movies in Need of a Remake

Ang Lee's Hulk sucked.
However, Louis Leterrier's The Incredible Hulk sucked much less.

2008's summer taught us that the days of ten, fifteen, and twenty year breaks between originals and remakes are over. These days, a director just has to wait until the video rental receipts are just as disappointing as the box office draw and presto a remake is one successful pitch away.

Here are five more movies in dire need of some reworking:

My Big Fat Independent Movie
This one comes from a lot of opinions exactly the opposite of my own.
When My Big Fat Independent Movie premiered at Cinequest in 2005, the crowd in attendance laughed louder and harder than any other crowd I'd ever been a part of. The only two people who were laughing their asses off were my dad and stepmom...who had never seen any of the films the movie was parodying. Assuming that any fans of Pulp Fiction, Amelie, Dancer in the Dark, Swingers, etc., would love the movie as much as me was a fatal mistake. Okay, not fatal, but it was a mistake. Go check out the IMDB message board. See what I mean? They hate this movie.

What would happen if a remake (or possibly a sequel) could iron the bumpy parts that even I have to admit MBFIM suffers from? Some might argue that it's an indy film parodying indie films and that the flaws add to its charm. (Psst...I would agree.) But I also wouldn't hate to see another installment of the best parody film to come out in years. (See: well...DON'T SEE: Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie 4, Meet the Spartans, etc.)

The Man Who Killed Don Quixote
The Man Who Killed Don Quixote doesn't need to be remade...it needs to be made! If you've seen Lost in La Mancha, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. This movie was going to be awesome. But thanks to weather, health, and financial problems, Terry Gilliam's Don Quioxte movie never got finished. My favorite scene of the doc is when they find the three actors to play the giants. They're running around shirtless looking like me at a Topless 5K (?). Maybe if we start up a PayPal account for Gilliam, we could finance his movie. Who's with me?

Catwoman
I didn't see the Halle Berry one.
I didn't have to.
Michelle Pfeiffer proved that Catwoman could kick ass on-screen.
Halle Berry tried her hardest to prove the opposite.
I still think Ms. Dangerous Minds could pull off the role.

Heartbeeps
What? You've never heard of Heartbeeps? It's only the best movie about robot love. Honestly, it's probably the worst movie about robot love. It might be the worst movie involving robots in any way.
Want details?
Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters star as two robots named Val and Aqua. While being stored in a maintenance facility, they decide to escape and start a family. Their family consists of a tiny little robot who doesn't speak except for the sounds of Jerry Garcia's guitar. Seriously.

Heartbeeps doesn't have a conflict. The movie follows the robots slowly walking through a forest for a while and they they end up back at the maintenance facility. The end.

Someone should remake this and give it a plot. There are a lot of rad elements but none of them come together. I witnessed this boring hunk of celluloid at a Triple Feature Midnight Movie alongside Weird Science and Joysticks. It was better than Joysticks...although that's not saying anything.

Super Mario Bros.
Did you know that there are people out there who don't think this is the worst piece of shit ever to shit on all the cool shit from my childhood? Shit! No disrespect to Bob Hoskins, but when Captain Lou Albano makes a more memorable leading man than you do, there's something wrong with your script.

Done correctly, a new Super Mario Bros. movie could be the coolest thing since the
Legend of Zelda April Fool's Day trailer.
Damn you, IGN.

11 comments:

Jason Soto said...

Take this for what you will since I like bad movies as well but I don't think "Super Mario Brothers" is a bad movie. I think it's a fun little movie and don't really get all the vile hatred towards it. If you (not you personally, the collective "you") don't like it, then just say "eh I didn't care for it". That's all.
-Jason

Moviezzz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
elgringo said...

Ooh, ooh! I know Pete Jones! He was on one of the Project Greenlight seasons...but I can't remember which one.

elgringo said...

Jason -- I guess it just one of those movies. Like Heat. You either love it or hate it. Maybe some people are so-so about Heat. Bad example, I guess.

I guess the trouble with adaptations is that if you don't like the reworking of your favorite video game then you'd like for someone to take another stab at it until it turns out how you like it.

Moviezzz -- We really were laughing so loudly that at points it was hard to hear the movie, maybe that made us think it was funner. Haha.

Jonny said...

I recently watched Batman Returns and I forgot how good Michelle Pfeiffer was as Catwoman. Not that I wouldn't support a remake of Catwoman, I just don't know who could come even remotely close to her performance. It was the perfect mix of camp and creepiness. And I guess being simultaneously super hot and bad ass doesn't hurt either.

FROM THE EYES AND EARS OF FOTOG INK said...

Heartbeeps. I dont think any remake can fix that, tho the makeup RULED. I remember begging to go home at the movies when I saw it as a kid.
And amen on MARIO, man did they drop the ball there !

whitney said...

But remember how now that John Leguizamo is sort of a respected-ish actor you can say "Oh man! Yes! Luigi's in this movie!" That's my favorite part of the Mario Bros. movie.

MC said...

I admit that I own a copy of My Big Fat Independent Movie...

And did you ever see Dennis Hopper on Conan O'Brien talking about SMB?

"I made a picture called Super Mario Bros., and my six-year-old son at the time -- he's now 18 -- he said, 'Dad, I think you're probably a pretty good actor, but why did you play that terrible guy King Koopa in Super Mario Bros.?' and I said, 'Well Henry, I did that so you could have shoes,' and he said, 'Dad, I don't need shoes that badly.'"

Now that's a burn.

whitney said...

And then he snorted cocaine out of his little son's palm and said "but I can't do without this."

elgringo said...

Whitney -- I just laughed out loud, but then I stopped just as quickly because I was afraid I'd lose my internet connection again. On the top left corner of the bed, I was able to connect at "Low Strength." A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Scott Mendelson said...

I'd support a remake of Catwoman if it was a film version of the arc that Ed Brubaker did when he re-started the book back in 2002(?). At that time, it was the very best comic book being written, period. I'm not sure how you would do that as the story only works if Selina's been around for ten years or so, but it's easily the best version of Catwoman ever written.

Scott Mendelson