Friday, April 23, 2010
#5. Ninja Assassin
THEW! THEW! THEW! Ninja stars! Ninja swords! Ninja fists! NOW IN 3-D! Blood splatter! Guts spatter! 3-D SPLATTER!
#4. Garbage Pail Kids
GPK got screwed over during its theatrical run. This movie could have birthed the revival of so many cinematic extras. Rumblerama for the farts. Smell-O-Vision, again for the farts. 3-D for the flying puss and popping pimples. What a missed opportunity.
#3. My Dinner With Andre
Two hours. Two characters. One meal. One movie. Whenever I watch My Dinner with Andre, I feel pretty left out. They two guys are having the fucking time of their life--telling stories, telling jokes, telling each other any fucking thing they can think of. And it seems great. I'm forced to play Fly on Wall and that sucks. Adding a third-dimension might make me feel a little more included.
You can keep your Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom and your Last House of the Left because this is the most disgusting movie ever made. Harmony Korine tests your gag reflex by using non-actors who are, to say the least, puke-inducing. There's nothing like watching a little bastard-child eat spaghetti and chocolate bars in filthy bathtubs to make your morning. The only thing that helped me get through this was the phrase "It's only a movie..." Something tells me that a little 3-D might force me to forget that fact.
Come on, she's the Denzel of white women.