Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Month of Horror: Dracula

"Isn't this a strange conversation for men who aren't crazy?"

It's always been my dream to have villagers speak my name with fear. Knowing that all references to me are made in whispers...that'd be satisfying. But I don't see it ever happening. I'm yet to own a castle, my bed isn't a box, and I buy my clothes from Threadless. People don't speak my name in fear, they shout it across parking lots, trying to get my attention--just to give me a Head Nod Hello. Yes, I see you. Here's my uninspired Hand Wave Head Nod response. After high school, I had to make the choice: hire a PR group to get my name out among any surrounding villages or go to film school. Today, my talkative neighbor refused to let me go to work without first hearing about her daughter's swim meet. It was then that I knew I had made the wrong decision.

Count Dracula may not be living but he's living the dream. Those Hungarians know he isn't interesting in swim meets or stew recipies. So they leave him the hell alone. But the Count doesn't make his lifestyle out to be all roses. In fact, shortly after we meet him, he packs up his belongings and moves to England. Maybe the high amounts of rain let him go out more than beautiful, sunny, Transylvania. While he doesn't seem to have many friends back home, he's quickly accepted into England's social circles. Those blue bloods will let anyone with ball attire enter their homes. They'll even invite them in when necessary.

Before this goes any further, I have something to say. Count Dracula wouldn't do his own carriage driving. There's no way he's hopping up on that buggy and running those horses down the mountain. Although, if you're trying to keep the whole vampire thing under wraps, you probably end up doing quite a bit of multitasking. You wouldn't hire a cook or a maid--they might get suspicious, especially when all you consume is O-positive. But that's no reason to let your house end up in such an slipshod state. Look at that giant spider web. It'd take less effort to clean it up than to keep walking around it.

No wonder he didn't want houseguests, Count Dracula is a slob. He probably has a room full of old newspapers that he refuses to throw away. Maybe he's a hoarder who felt it was easier to move than to organize his life. Dracula needs to learn that he can't sail away from his problems.

Remember that movie Van Helsing?
The one where he looked like this:

The casting director for this movie went in a different direction:

But Edward Van Sloan's version is much more badass. He has literally no fear of vampires. Actually, no one in this movie does. When they discover Count Dracula's less-than-human condition, they don't freak out; they don't form an angry mob. They hang out with him some more, get to know the guy, and slowly formulate a plan to maybe do something about it sometime. When Dracula tries to hypnotise him, it simply doesn't work. He just doesn't allow it. That's how cool this guy is. But even so, I bet he can't run into an old college buddy he's purposely been avoiding and not "catch up" for half an hour instead of doing the grocery shopping he came there to do.

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