Month of Horror - Day Two: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

"Here you go, Jesus. You'll need this to kill that

jackrabbit albino son of a bitch."

I know what you're thinking. "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter? Sounds boring."

With any other movie, you might be right. But with this one, you couldn't be more wronger. Take one part New Testament, one part Troma, and three parts low-budget bloodsucking and you've got Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I've got to say, even though The Passion of the Christ had more blood and guts, this movie is even more entertaining. And Phil Caracas' Jesus is definitely my favorite on-screen Mr. Christ of all-time (sorry, Mr. Dafoe).

When the world's lesbians become a target for bloodthirsty vampires, it's up to Jesus Christ and his Mexican wrestling buddy El Santo to save the day. It just occured to me, this is the perfect movie. If enough people saw this, Hollywood as we know it would be forced to shut down. Screenwriters around the world would throw out their laptops and get real jobs like oil rig work. Then all Starbucks Coffee locations would have to shut down and capitalism would crumble.

Good thing no one's ever seen this movie.

Actually, it played at the Slamdance Film Festival and has since found a cult following and a spot in the Netflix Instant Watch library. Shot on 16mm Bolex cameras with subpar sound dubbing used for all the dialogue, JCVH is exactly what fans of independent so bad they're good movies are looking for. The action is hokey, the music is all homemade disco-inspired techno, and the acting is something else.

The inclusion of Mexican wrestling legend El Santo (played here by some obese white guy) as Jesus' sidekick was inspiring. This movie combines my three favorite things, lucha libre, all things sacrilegious, and the fight against injustice towards homosexuals.

Plus, check out the babe in the Psychosis mask.
Go see this movie, then show it to your mom.