Month of Horror - Day Five: The Stepford Wives

"If I'm wrong, then I'm insane, but if

I'm right, it's worse than if I'm right."

Whitney and I are batting 1.000 with this Month of Horror thing. We've loved all four movies we've chosen (The Fly, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Evil Dead II, and Ravenous) and tonight makes us 5/5. The Stepford Wives, which disappointingly turned out NOT to be the Kidman/Walken vehicle of '04, is a movie I haven't seen in years. The screenplay was penned by William Goldman who wrote Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and All the President's Men. The director spent his life working on movies I've never heard of before. But this creepy domestic thriller might even be better than the Frank Oz version. And he directed The Indian in the Cupboard!

Maybe it's the Autumn-colored Station Wagons or the orgasam-inducing wallpaper but there's something about how the world looked through 1970s celluloid that makes me warm inside--like I ate a roasted marshmellow. The music was something else, wasn't it? Simon and Garfunkel wrote songs directly for movies! These days, some nobody woman won't stop demanding that I "feel the rain on your skin." BOOOOOO! I do not like that. Somebody build me a time machine with magical internet capabilites so that I can blog from four decades ago!

Back to the wives of Stepford. Sexy ass Joanna gets dragged to the 'burbs by her bald ass husband Walter. All the ladies there are boring ass housewives who live to clean. Now, my one semester at Vermont's Academy for Feminists had me believing that women can be more than wives and mothers. But after The Stepford Wives, I found that I might have been misled. While these ladies might be boring, they sure know how to please a man. Throaty voices, giant hats, and blank stares. That's what the Boy Scouts taught me to look for in a potential wifepartner.

Honestly, The Stepford Wives is the scariest movie we've watched all month. Domesticity is far more terrifying than demonic possession, genetic maniuplation, and Christianity.