On their way home from the orchard, their car blows up. It just blows up. They blow up too. The accident scene looks like cranberry applesauce.
As you all know, the couple returns home, finds out they're dead, and witnesses a new family moving into their home. The original film starred Catherine O'Hara and Jeffrey "I love kiddie porn" Jones as the new home owners. Whitney and I decided that Catherine O'Hara nailed her role so we re-cast her.
We also decided that since Jones wants to nail 14-year-old boys that we should find someone else. The decision was easy. Larry Miller. Remember 10 Things I Hate About You?
Winona Ryder is proving difficult to replace. Could she still play a 13-year-old? Maybe. She'd have to tape her chest down like Girl Interuppted. Our casting agents are looking into it.
Rumors are swarming that that yet-to-be-filled role could go to Harry Potter's Emma Watson. The young thespian, donning the black, gothy clothes, make-up, hairdo, etc. could possibly play an impressive Lydia. The role is expected to be filled within the next few weeks.
Alan Arkin will play the pseudo-artistic homosexual interior designer, Otho. Yeah, we were pretty happy with this one too.
That brings us to the title character. Beetlejuice. A perverted zombie womanizer with a sailor mouth. Names were tossed around, maybe Sam Rockwell, Jim Carrey (my bad idea), and John Legizamo, to name a few.
Then Whitney had the genius idea to make him a drunk. Beetlejuice will be played by Robert Downey Jr. Easy choice. He'll harass the two women, martini glass in-hand, spouting off swarmy references to his junk. The two same-sex lovers will, of course, reject his offers and services and decide to take care of their problems on their own.
Well, that's it. That's how we spent fifteen minutes of our twelve-hour drive. Hope you liked it. If not, I can guarantee it's better than our attempt to remake Stroszek as a Hollywood romantic comedy. It starred Dane Cook as Stroszek, Jessica Alba as his girlfriend, and Richard Dreyfuss as the old man whose trailer they move into. Also, when casting a live-action version of The Little Mermaid, we quickly realized that we has just cast Enchanted. Guess that means Enchanted did a good job.