Saturday, August 30, 2008

How to Survive a 12-Hour Roadtrip

When you find yourself in the car with your bestest girlfriend and fellow cinephile on a twelve-hour road trip, there are many ways to make the time fly. The best thing we came up with this weekend was recasting movies. Some worked, some flopped, but the best one we came up with was the recasting of Beetle Juice!

Two of the biggest changes between Tim Burton's movie and our movie are the two main characters. In the original, Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis play a happily married couple who live happily until the day they died...which happened come 50 years earlier than expected. With today's ever-changing definition of "family," Whitney and I decided to update this B-movie classic.

A mid-40s lesbian couple named Julie and Numar, played by Mary Steenburgen and Catherine Keener, live together in a quaint New England town. One lovey Sunday afternoon, they decide to go for a lovely Sunday afternoon drive. Some lovely Sunday afternoon apple picking might also be in order.

On their way home from the orchard, their car blows up. It just blows up. They blow up too. The accident scene looks like cranberry applesauce.

As you all know, the couple returns home, finds out they're dead, and witnesses a new family moving into their home. The original film starred Catherine O'Hara and Jeffrey "I love kiddie porn" Jones as the new home owners. Whitney and I decided that Catherine O'Hara nailed her role so we re-cast her.

We also decided that since Jones wants to nail 14-year-old boys that we should find someone else. The decision was easy. Larry Miller. Remember 10 Things I Hate About You?

Winona Ryder is proving difficult to replace. Could she still play a 13-year-old? Maybe. She'd have to tape her chest down like Girl Interuppted. Our casting agents are looking into it.

Rumors are swarming that that yet-to-be-filled role could go to Harry Potter's Emma Watson. The young thespian, donning the black, gothy clothes, make-up, hairdo, etc. could possibly play an impressive Lydia. The role is expected to be filled within the next few weeks.

Alan Arkin will play the pseudo-artistic homosexual interior designer, Otho. Yeah, we were pretty happy with this one too.

That brings us to the title character. Beetlejuice. A perverted zombie womanizer with a sailor mouth. Names were tossed around, maybe Sam Rockwell, Jim Carrey (my bad idea), and John Legizamo, to name a few.

Then Whitney had the genius idea to make him a drunk. Beetlejuice will be played by Robert Downey Jr. Easy choice. He'll harass the two women, martini glass in-hand, spouting off swarmy references to his junk. The two same-sex lovers will, of course, reject his offers and services and decide to take care of their problems on their own.

Suddenly, Beetle Juice turns into quite a powerful women's empowerment film when Julie and Numar take young Lydia under their wing and guide her through those tough teenage years. By relying on their own stengths, the three women band together to get Lydia's parents to move back to New York and for Beetlejuice to go back to hell.

Well, that's it. That's how we spent fifteen minutes of our twelve-hour drive. Hope you liked it. If not, I can guarantee it's better than our attempt to remake Stroszek as a Hollywood romantic comedy. It starred Dane Cook as Stroszek, Jessica Alba as his girlfriend, and Richard Dreyfuss as the old man whose trailer they move into. Also, when casting a live-action version of The Little Mermaid, we quickly realized that we has just cast Enchanted. Guess that means Enchanted did a good job.

So, what did you think?


Lunatone said...

You should probably close your underline html tag...

elgringo said...

Thanks. So...what did ya think?