Thursday, October 16, 2008


This wasn't the Al Franken sex tape I was promised.
That being said, Mary Shelly must be proud.

The year was 1990. Brain Damage and The Basket Case series were gaining notoriety on the home video market. Cult film director Frank Henenlotter teamed up with the original editor of Fangoria and penned a script involving a psychotic pre-med student with a love for puzzles.

When the robotic lawnmower Jeffery designed for his father's birthday accidentally slices and dices his fiance Elizabeth (played by Penthouse Pet Patty Mullen), the mission is clear. Keep her head on ice until the next lightning storm. Then, take all the various body parts you've hacked off of the hookers you've hired and stitch them together (remember that love for puzzles we just talked about?) and !KABLAMO! your loving wife-to-be is back and life can continue like normal.

A born romantic, Jeffrey still takes the time to make Elizabeth feel special. It's really nice that he could love her even with those Christmas ham-sized feet. Those really shouldn't be on the dinner table. When he's not pouring wine down the throatless head's mouth, he's in the garage trying to figure out how to play God. If you're wondering how someone whose never attended any courses on Hooker Reanimation could possibly comprehend all those complex equations and variables, don't worry, our mad scientist solves all these problems by shoving a power drill into his brain and mixing stuff up a bit until the world makes sense.

Now to find the hookers!

[From Left to Right: Ol' Crick Neck, Erika Eleniak, Ponder-osa, NeonThong, Motorboat, Red, Scratchy, and Big Ominous Hand.]

Now that Jeffery's found the right hookers, he needs to decide which parts to take from which streetwalker. He measures their arms, legs, and brains (just kidding, why would he need one of those?) and writes up his grocery list. After all the busts and butts are accounted for, it's time to murder some ladies of the night. With his robotic lawnmower in the pawn shop, Jeff's gotta come up with another ingenious plan. Back to the power drill. Ah, of course!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Super Crack. What hooker can resist Super Crack? It's just like crack except bigger, stronger, and more...

Here's a video clip of hookers exploding. You know you're clicking this damn link.

Back in the lab, Jeffery throws together the pieces just in time for the lighting storm. The thunder rolls, the lighting strikes, the hooker is...ALIVE. Oh shit, I can't believe everything didn't go as planned. Elizabeth thinks she's a hooker. Didn't see that coming.

Frankenhooker Warning of the Day: If you have sex with a prostitute, make sure her "down there area" won't make you explode during your no-pants party.

Happy Halloween.


Fox said...

Nice screengrabs! I was just about to say "Hey, he shoulda grabbed some from the exploding hookers scene...", but then you had the clip!

And I love the dude that played Jeffrey. He's like a mix of Andrew McCarthy and Michael Moriarty. After seeing Frankenhooker I immediately to see anything he was in, but his resume is pretty thin.

However, if you haven't already, check out Street Trash. (He has a cameo in it.) I don't know if that movie is good or not, but it's SOMETHING! It's worth a look, just be prepared for a lot of melting hobos.

elgringo said...

I saw Street Trash and I didn't love it while I was watching it but now that more time has past, I'm more forgiving of it. Melting hobos...haha, I love that there was a time when that pitch received financing.