The Reader (2008) (Spolier Edition)

Welcome to the first Special Spoilers Edition of He Shot Cyrus movie reviews.
Today, we're talking about The Reader.
If you're planning on watching this film
and don't want to know everything that happens...stop reading now.


Act One: 40 Minutes of Kate Winslet Boning a 15-Year-Old

Hanna Schmitz (Winslet) is a German illiterate working in public transit. She can't read or write but she can seduce a high school sophomore like it was old-hat. After said sophomore catches a pesky case of Scarlet Fever, the two meet and start boning like skeletons. Michael runs to her house everyday after school and nudity ensues. And boy, does it ensue! The Reader makes that one scene in Titanic (1997) look like Kate Winslet Wears a Turtle Neck Sweater and Baggy Sweat Pants (1996). I've seen more of her chest than her personal chestologist. And...that's pretty much the first act.

Act Two: 40 Minutes of Kate Winslet on Trial for Auschwitz Murders

As the sexcapades diminish, the War Crimes colloquy develops. In short, less humping--more Holocaust. As it turns out, before working as a ticket-taker job on the bus line, Hannah joined the Schutzstaffel (a.k.a. those march-loving, Jew-hating, tiny mustache-wearing Nazzies.) and worked at the most infamous concentration camp this side of the Mississippi. Years later, she ends up on trial for the murder of a group of prisoners. The courtroom climax comes with the introduction of a report supposedly written by Hannah. Michael, who's now a law student, watches the trial anxiously.

Here's where the film takes a dramatic turn. Michael spent too much time bumping uglies and reading aloud to his mistress to realize that she can't read or write. We (the audience) realize she's illiterate about two seconds before the movie starts. Not Michael...he has a "oh shit!" moment about an hour in, smacks himself in the forehead, and interrupts the proceedings with an audible "DUH..." She can't read or write! How could she have written that report? Thrilling! But here's the snafu, Hannah's shame keeps her and Michael from getting her off the hook. Life sentence!

Act Three: Kate Winslet Learns How to Read to Nearly Guarantee Herself an Oscar Nomination, Hangs Herself, and Leaves Michael to Right Her Wrongs

In act three, Kate Winslet's character learns how to read which just screams "Oscar nomination, please" but then she hangs herself instead of exiting back into the real world after writing a will asking Michael to right her wrongs. He tries to do so...for nearly half and hour. The movie should have ended with "Life sentence!"

So there you have it, folks. Boobs and Penis, Law & Order, Made-for-Oscar Ending.
The Reader.