Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Bad Neighbors

I hate inconsiderate neighbors. I've had lots of 'em. The sound of bass coming through my wall can be likened to Gary Busey fisting me while making me watch The Gingerdead Man. Once, I lived next to a roaming sack of afterbirth named "Utters." Utters used to play her stereo everyday, long and loud with her bass turned up high. It made me want to choke a dolphin. Everyday, bass bass bass bass bass bass bass bass BASS BASS BASS. Fuckin' ridiculous. Nothing I tried (asking her to stop, calling the landlord) worked. You're probably wondering why I'm writing about this in a movie blog. Well, it's because I saw Lakeview Terrace today.

After a few people told me Lakeview Terrace was better than the trailers made it look, I decided to check it out. Plus, Neil LaBute (The Shape of Things, In the Company of Men) directed and for the most part, I trust him. After watching it, yeah, it's a victim of of bad marketing. But if you don't have a strange obsession with evil neighbor movies, I wouldn't recommend it. I do! Here's a list of movie characters I may or may not want live next door to.

Mom/Woman and Dad/Man
from The People Under the Stairs
They kidnapped children and cut out their tongues when they talked back but is that really the worst quality for a neighbor? I know they were terrible people but would living next to them be all that bad? Yeah, probably. Just imagine borrowing a cup of sugar from these psychopaths. First, they'll sick the dog on you. Then they'll make the staircase all flat and slide you down to their monster teens. Then, because this is just how sick they are, they'll give you a cup of SALT instead of sugar and you won't even realize it until your Grandmother calls you and tells you that your salty cookies raised up Grandpa' levels and the funerals on Friday.

Bad Neighbor Rating: 4/5

Mrs. Connelly
from Duplex
Who can hate this old lady? She looks like Snarf. Sure, a she's nosy, pain in the ass, con artist but I'd rather live next to her than these douchebags.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 2/5

Carter Hayes
from Pacific Heights
This is the Glitter of neighbors: avoid at all costs. Movies like Pacific Heights make me really anxious because it's the sort of thing that could really happen. If a sadistic madman moves into my spare bedroom and decides to wreak havoc on my life, what am I gonna do? He's got the law on his side, I can't prove a damn thing, and I know that one of these nights, I'm gonna wake up with cockroaches in my bed linens. I've already promised two of these real estate predators the deed to my house. I'm hoping they fight each other, leave me lone for awhile, and both die from massive head trauma before they talk me into signing the final contracts.

Bad Neighbor Rating: 5/5

Lars Thorwald
from Rear Window
By far the best neighbor on the list. I keep to myself. He keeps to himself. Who he kills on his own time is his business. Who I get the idea. On top of that, I don't even like my blinds open, I've never broken my leg, and the closest thing to binoculars that I own are two empty paper towel roles. This is the guy I want living across the courtyard.

Bad Neighbor Rating: 1/5

There's my list. Who would be your least favorite movie neighbors?


Joe said...

I wanted to see this almost as little as I wanted to see Changing Lanes (2002). That movie also starred Samuel L. Jackson. I think Hollywood sometimes make trailers just to keep me away. They make the movie look so horrible.

whitney said...

Yeah, but you DON'T keep to yourself, you Nosy Ned! Remember brick boy, child molester, and smoker's cough?

elgringo said...

Joe - That's exactly what they did with Lakeview Terrace, made a trailer to make it look terrible--and by terrible, I mean "attractive to mainstream audiences."

Whitney - 1. Brick boy was hilarious. 2. Child Molester is a child molester. It's my duty as an American to keep my eye on him. 3. Smoker's cough SHOVES his life into my attention with each lung-destroying mucus hack.