Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon: Fatal Attraction

Cinexcellence is hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon.
Synopsis: pick up a DVD you normally wouldn't, watch it, write a little something.

For those of you who've never seen Fatal Attraction, this is the movie that teaches you that cheating on your spouse leads to the death of your child's pet. Every time. If you cheat, Mr. Tiddilywinks gets put in the wood chipper. Every time.

In short, Michael Douglas plays a businessman who has an affair with a co-worker, Glenn Close. Shortly afterward, she turns into a crazy ass stalker. She does all the usual stuff: nighttime phone calls, creepy mixtapes, destruction of property, etc. But then she goes above and beyond her stalker duties. Wrist slitting, (fake?) pregnancies, and Whitesnake hair. She's a real sicko.

Right away, the title made sense to me. Anyone who finds Glenn Close attractive deserves to die. Period. Her name is GLENN. That's not a sexy actress name, that's a computer programmer name. Also, being born after 1960 automatically disqualifies me from understanding why Michael Douglas ever had a career. The man looks like a unhappy California Raisin. I watched It Runs in the Family. The next day Future Scott called and said the pain wasn't going away.

There are just too many sex scenes in this movie. I'm no prude, but Ernest Does Dallas was sexier than Fatal Attraction. The last time I saw Glenn Close naked, she was crying on the floor of a shower. Now, that's either a scene description from The Big Chill or a personal story that I'll end now. Glenn Close nudity is a lot like gym class nudity. You know it's inevitable but you do everything you can to divert your eyes. Also, watching Douglas struggle to get his tighty-whiteys off wasn't pleasant either.

Disgusting sex scenes aside, the movie turned out to be pretty entertaining. There are some really tense scenes when you realize that Close isn't playing a monster, she's playing a woman with mental problems. It screams Play Misty for Me but still works as a sex thriller. The director, Adrian Lyne, knows about sex flicks. He's made Fatal Attraction, 9 1/2 Weeks, Indecent Proposal, Lolita, and my favorite Diane Lane film: Unfaithful.

All in all, if you're looking for a well-made film about something that could actually happen (the stalker part, not the sex with Glenn Close part) then you might want to pick this up. But from the looks of his filmography, Lyne has quite a few other movies you might want to watch instead. Just take a look at this successful director's progress.


He went from this:
To this:
His movies may all be pretty similar...but least his casting has improved.

Thanks to Cinexcellence for hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-thon. Without it, I might have never seen Fatal Attraction. And without seeing Fatal Attraction, I would have had to think of another reason to put up another Diane Lane picture.

July's Been a Busy Month

July has been a crazy month. It wasn't until I looked through the archive that I realized just how busy it's been. Thank you to everyone who reads and comments here. We've been able to go from 1300 visits to 3900 visits in just one month. I'm truly, truly, thankful to all the supporters of He Shot Cyrus. This post has a lot of links. Click on them. Blogging wouldn't be as fun without these guys.

First off, the following blogs need a huge shout-out.
CultureSnob.com, Big Mike's Movie Blog,
My Stuff and Cr*p, and Lazy Eye Theatre
hosted blog-a-thons and movie memes I participated in.
(All About Me, Batman, Rugrats, 12 Movie Meme, respectively)
Blog-a-thons are lots of work, so my hat's off to these guys.

Second, a huge thanks to the blogs that featured us this month.
DVD Panache featured me in their Friday Screen Test series.
Film Experience linked to one of my posts and sent lots of traffic my way.
Someone added He Shot Cyrus to StumbleUpon, thanks to whoever did that.


New to He Shot Cyrus? Here's what you might have missed.

Guys I'd Go Gay For blew up like a Scanners head. It got 26 Comments, a record-breaking number. As it turns out, Kaleen and I have the same taste in women. Thanks to everyone who left their lists. And Piper...the "cool juice" is all yours, buddy.

We hosted our first He Shot Cyrus Top Comment Award (HSCTCA) ceremony and Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor won. I'm working on getting a better looking trophy for next month's winner. The winning comment? "Doomsday was the closest I've come to walking out of a theater in a long time. It was AIDS in film form."

I've watched 3/5 of the movies I swore I'd never watch. Pride & Prejudice, The Gingerdead Man, and Last House on the Left. That just leaves Swept Away and Eraserhead. There will eventually be a post on LHotL, I swear.

The careers of Cuba Gooding Jr., Eddie Murphy, and Chris Tucker were all evaluated. Who knew Chris Tucker would come out on top? He only made three movies in ten years? I guess that does count as charity work.

Oh yeah, I also want to post the results of "Who's the Hottest Guy I'd Go Gay For" Poll Question.

John Cusack --- 4 votes
Gael Garcia Bernal --- 10 votes
Sidney Poitier --- 0 votes
Jason Bateman --- 7 votes
Denzel Washington --- 1 vote
Taye Diggs --- 5 votes
Jonah Hill --- 0 votes

Once again, thanks everyone!
There's some exciting stuff in the works for August.

Rug Rats Blog-a-Thon: Catinca Untaru

My Stuff and Cr*p is hosting the Rug Rats Blog-a-Thon. Children have been in movies since the beginning of cinema. 19th century French labor laws aren't my specialty, but I'd bet at least some of those Lumiere workers were kids. A century later, the kids are still acting. Salvatore Cascio, Jean-Pierre Léaud, and Peter Billingsley have served up some of the most memorable performances this side of the Shirley Temple franchise.

Catinca Untaru has cemented her spot on the list of impressive child actors. Starring in Tarsem's The Fall, this young actress makes Dakota Fanning look like Gilbert Godfrey in a Uwe Boll film. To better understand the specialness of Untaru's performance, you have to first understand the specialness of The Fall.

The Fall was a dream project for director Tarsem. Famous for his commercial and music video work, the Indian filmmaker had an idea of letting a child guide the film. He decided that he needed a four-year-old for his idea to work. Years later, he was given a tape with a young Romanian girl (Untaru) and was so capitvated by her that production started immediately.

The film follows a Untaru's character, Alexandria, as she tries to occupy her time in a hospital while she recovers from a broken collarbone. During her stay, she meets a depressed silent film actor/stuntman named Roy Walker (Lee Pace) who was recently paralyzed after a stunt went bad. Recently dumped by his girlfriend, Roy wants out of life. Contained to his bed, he enlists the help of Alexandria to get the morphine he desires.

Roy tells Alexandria an epic story filled with fantasy elements and mythical heroes. Each day he tells her another section of the story. As the two bond together, he pursuades the little girl to get him some morphine from the medical center. The film cuts between the 1920s hospital and the timeless fantasy world. Alexandria's character shows up in both worlds and Untaru's performance in The Fall overall, is incredible.

Catinca Untaru was born in Bucharest in March 1997. Eleven now, only six when filming started. Another fact, she didn't speak English when she landed the role. But the director used her language barrier to the film's advantage. He wanted a four-year-old for the role because of their societal innocence, but Tarsem found that Untaru worked perfectly, her inability to speak English made up for her age.

"One day I got a tape of this girl at a school in Romania, in the middle of students talking. I was amazed. She was perfect. She didn't speak English. The penny dropped. She was six, but if she didn’t speak the language she would be using, the misunderstanding would buy me the two years that I needed. Because she had to seem four." (Ebert Interview with Tarsem)

One of the scenes everyone's talking about involves Roy asking Alexandria if she is trying to save his soul. "Are you trying to save my soul?" Her reply is indescribable. In my opinion, this is one of the most amazing moments captured on film. She smiles, pauses, opens her mouth, smiling. It just has to be seen. As it turns out, Untaru didn't know what the word "soul" meant and reacted naturally. That's the innocence Tarsem was looking for.

"It's true. One of the treasures of the film is the sound of the dialog by Catinca Untaru. We understand every word, but she sounds as if she's inventing them as utters them." (Rober Ebert, possibly replying to what I just wrote)

Only Tarsem and Lee Pace knew that Lee Pace could walk. Hoping to capture people's real reactions to a handicapped person, the director kept the secret until shooting wrapped. When filming ended, they told everyone the truth, to mixed reactions. Some people were upset, others took it as good news. Tarsem remarked on Untaru's reactions to pace when she first met him.

They met while shooting their first scene together. To her knowledge, Pace was actually paralyzed and she was nervous because of that. That nervousness comes through in her performance. But as the film progresses, it's easy to see how much the young actress has bonded with her co-star. A lot of the dialogue was improvised and spontaneous. Tarsem claims that by the third or fourth take, Untaru would nail the scene. The director allowed flexability and freedom in his film and let the little girl craft the story.



The script was ever-changing. In the scene where Lee Pace writes M-O-R-P-H-I-N-E, Untaru mistook the actor's "E" for a "3" and they changed the story to suit that. When she read "3," Tarsem told the prop man to fill the morphine bottle all the way up. Then when Alexandria steals the pills, she only grabs three, not enough for Roy to kill himself. This flexability allowed the film to remain fluid and capture all of the special moments that only a child can create.

You can credit Tarsem for directing an amazing film. You can be in awe of the shooting locations, spanning 28 countries. You can love how the story weaves betweens worlds of the real and the fantastic. But without Untaru's performance, none of that would tie together. Untaru appears to be the glue that holds The Fall together. Quite a lot of responsibility for a six-year-old, but after watching the film, it'd be hard to argue that she didn't get the job done.

Ain't It Cool News has been covering The Fall with more attention than anyone else. Capone, a member of the AICN staff interviewed Tarsem, the links are listed below. Moriary, another staff member, gave his feelings towards Untaru and her performance in the link below. I got a lot of my information from them, so I'm givng credit where credit it due. Thanks, guys.

Part One: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/36903
Part Two: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/36915
Moriary's Thoughts: http://www.aintitcool.com/?q=node/36407

The 12 Movies Meme

Lazy Eye Theatre is hosting the 12 MOVIES MEME. I had the honor of being selected in the first group of writers. Here's the mission: Diablo Cody got to program 12 movies at the New Beverly Cinema. If she can do it, we can do it.

List your programming schedule. Which 12 movies and why. Then nominate 5 other writers to contribute their lists. My selections will be at the bottom of this blog. Read on to see if you made the cut.

Here's my schedule. Feedback and poll question voting is a must. One simple question: which nights would you attend and which ones would you skip? Thanks in advance for all your comments.

Monday-Tuesday
Peter Jackson Double-Feature
Meet the Feebles [Link] - Muppets on Crack creation starts this off.
Dead Alive [Link] - The most entertaining zombie film of all time.Wanna fight about it?



Wednesday-Thursday
Gael Garcia Bernal Double-Feature
The Motorcycle Diaries [Link] - A young Che Guevara, years before he led the Cuban Revolution, and his friend travel through South America.
El Crimen del Padre Amaro [Link] - A Catholic priest has an affair with a teenage girl. This one'll knock you on your ass.


Friday-Saturday
The Raddest Cult Films Ever Made Double Feature
Assault on Precinct 13 [Link] - Awesome premise, incredible synth music, and one of John Carpenter's best films.
The Warriors [Link] - My favorite movie of all time. The coolest, most quotable cult film to date.


Sunday-Monday
Bring Your Kids Double Feature
Escape to Witch Mountain [Link] - My favorite kids movie. Magical tweens outwit an evil millionaire and his bald henchman.
Rad [Link] - This one is CULT. The kiddies might not get through this one, but it's worth showing because it's so hard to get ahold of these days.


Tuesday-Wednesday
Hip-Hop Documentary Double Feature
Style Wars [Link] - Mind-blowingly amazing doc about the Golden Years of Graffiti.
Freestyle: The Art of Rhyme [Link] - The movie contains: Dope emcees spitting off the dome hotness. If that made any sense to you, watch this movie now.


Thursday-Friday
The Hottest Double Feature
High Fidelity [Link] - John Cusack.
Unfaithful [Link] - Diane Lane.

There's the schedule. Which nights would you attend?
Which ones would you skip? Why?

Also, my official selections for contributors are:
Whitney @ DearJesus
Daniel G. @ Get A Film
Ross Williams @ What I Watched Last Night
The Mad Hatter @ The Dark of the Matinee
Keith @ The Kinetoscope Parlor

1. When you finish your post, let me know so I can let Lazy Eye Theatre know.
2. If you don't want to do it, let me know so I can ask someone else.

Guys I'd Go Gay For

It's Man-Crush Thursday here at He Shot Cyrus. This just couldn't wait for Man-Crush Monday. Caitlin over at 1416 and Counting just created a mega-post dedicated to the men in her life. All those interested in looking at picture of attractive fellas, go check it out. But not before you leave some comments listing your most beautiful beaus.

Remember, every comment you leave makes you eligible for next month's He Shot Cyrus Top Comment Award. This month's winner, Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor, will continue to receive publicity like this along with his JPEG trophy.

On to the Guys I'd Go Gay For list:

John Cusack - I recently figured this one out. I want to be Rob Gordon. He's owns a record store. He used to be a DJ. Making mixes for people is his greatest joy. He's dated gorgeous women. Also, he is constantly making Top 5 lists. What more could I guy want? Plus, he's hot.

I like going record shopping. I dream of being a DJ. People get mixes from me even when they don't ask for them. I'm dating a gorgeous girl right now. I make Top 5 lists all the time. Want to know my Top 5 John Cusack Performances? 1. Rob in High Fidelity 2. Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything 3. Martin Q. Blank in Grosse Point Blank 4. Gib in The Sure Thing 5. Eddie Thomas in American Sweethearts

Gael Garcia Bernal - Not only is this guy the hottest man alive, he also takes the best role choices. He's the adulterous priest in the imaginative dreamer in The Science of Sleep, and the young Che Guevara in The Motorcycle Diaries. He's the type of good looking that makes you convince yourself you'll die looking like John C. Reilly.

Sidney Poitier - An oldie but a goodie. He's hotter than Clark Gable. Hotter than Gregory Peck. Even hotter than Cary Grant. That's right, I said it! And in the heat of the night, he'll make you call him MISTER Tibbs. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Jason Bateman - John Krasinski didn't make the list because when he's not on The Office, I could go either way. I have more of a man-crush on Bateman than on his character from Arrested Development. Juno, Hancock, and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium proved that. This man is adorable. Adorable.

Denzel Washington - This man has charisma like no other. He could talk anyone into doing anything. And I do mean anything. Now he's remaking one of my favorite 70s thrillers, The Taking of Pelham 123. This just keep getting better and better.

Taye Diggs - There hasn't been a better looking couple since Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan reminisced about watching Slick Rick, Doug E. Fresh, and Dana Dane in a cypher circle circa 1984. Wait, you didn't see Brown Sugar? Shame. If you love hip-hop and talking about hip-hop, you should. Back to the man of the moment, you probably know him as the announcer from Chicago. Smooth, good looking, nice smile. Not as charismatic as Denzel, but pretty close.


Jonah Hill - If you don't think this guy's sexy, I'm taking it personally. He's attractive, damn it!


There you go, the guys I'd go gay for. EVERYBODY, leave a comment with your own lists. Thanks!

The Dark Knight: If Heath Ledger Hadn't Died

If Heath Ledger hadn't died:

The Dark Knight still would have made hundreds of million of dollars.

Maybe it wouldn't have broken all the records it did, but it's still be ridiculously successful.

Nicholson supporters wouldn't have to hide from fear of fanboy !!!OMGz!!! and FUK U's.
There would still be a debate as to who was the better Joker, instead of a one-sided hype machine.

The ending would have worked better.
TDK became the Heath Ledger movie the moment he passed. So why leave The Joker hanging from the side of a building for the SWAT Team to take care of? Why have the movie go on for another twenty anti-climatic minutes? Granted, the VERY end, was rad, but the third act left a bad taste in my mouth.

No one would be screaming "GIVE HIM THE OSCAR" like a bunch of maniacs.
His performance was great, but by the time award ceremony season rolled around, we'd all be distracted by something else, forgetting about the superhero movie that got released half-a-year ago.


But if I'm being honest, if Heath Ledger hadn't died, I wouldn't have been half as excited about The Dark Knight.

He was a fine actor (with more bad movies in his past than people care to remember) but the fact that people are freaking out about this movie like they (we) are says more about humanity than any of the messages found in The Dark Knight.

The Perseverance of Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

Eddie Murphy's movie flop at the box office.
Chris Tucker's don't.

Cuba hasn't made good money for years.
Chris Tucker still does.


How does he do it?

(1998)--------------------(2001)-------------------(2007)

Chris Tucker hasn't made a non-Rush Hour film since 1998.
Don't believe me? Go check his filmography.

It's all about supply and demand.
Apparently, someone was demanding Chris Tucker.
He was smart and refused to supply that demand.

Now he makes 20 million dollars per movie.
He makes a movie, chills until his money's gone, and then calls up Jackie Chan.

Rush Hour 3 earned him another 20 million dollars plus 20% of the gross.

That's how you do it, fellas.
Lock into a successful franchise and squeeze out every last drop of success.

Life is Hard on the Street

Animals Attacking Humans Marathon

Midnites for Maniacs, San Francisco's greatest contribution to film, hosted a

5 MOVIE ANIMALS ATTACKING HUMANS MARATHON

Whitney from Dear Jesus and I went to the Castro Theatre at 3:00PM. Around 3:00AM, I was finally home. As Whitney points out in her blog, MUNI is awful. Round midnight, everything shuts down.

I'm listening to Crown City Rockers. I'm exhausted. I just finished playing some Dr. Mario. Now it's time to write a blog. Here's a quick rundown on what I experienced tonight.

The first movie was called Phase IV. Killer ants. This movie sounded incredibly lame. Two scientists discover that different species of ants are working together. They bunker up in a small desert town to find out why. While they're there, the ants decide that they don't take too kindly to strangers.

The director, Saul Bass, is the most impressive film guy you've never heard of. The host, Jesse, let us in on all the details. Phase IV is the only movie Bass ever directed but he's has his hands in more classics than I can count. This guy made poster art, he made title sequences, he even made the AmericanAirlines logo. The title sequences for Vertigo, North by Northwest, and Psycho? All Saul Bass.

Two words: Phase IV Three more: Was freakin' awesome.

It's difficult to describe the look of Phase IV because I've never seen anything comparable to Phase IV. For you 80s babies, think Microcosmos as a sci-fi thriller. We get up close and personal with the ants and it completely works. One chilling scene where an ant lines up the bodies of his fallen comrades had everybody in the theatre shivering.

Phase IV was just released on DVD. I'm trying to get my hands on a copy but it appears to be harder to find than I'd wish. If any of you get a chance to see this, don't miss the opportunity. Oh, and the girl, fii-e-ine!

Pretty basic plot: baby alligator gets flushed down the toilet, lives in the sewer, and feeds off of genetically enhanced animals that a science labs throws down there after experienting on them.

If there was ever a movie that Josh Brolin would have been perfect for, it'd be Alligator. We get Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) instead and he plays a disgrunted cop better than most.

You gotta give a movie props that scares you enough to yell out loud. I don't want to give anything away but one of the sewer scenes, Holy Moses.



You have not seen Jaws until you've seen it on the big screen. Period. Jaws blew me away. I'd seen it a few times but on the big screen...I finally understand why this terrified people so much.

The writer of the novel is now one of the leading advocates for shark protection. After Jaws was released, the number of shark slaying raised to incredible numbers. Guess the guy felt he should do something to fix it. I understand how people felt though, after last night I was ready to drain the ocean and kill all of its inhabitants.

The first 50 minutes of Day of the Animals consisted of shots of a tour group hiking intercut with nature show footage. Shot of a group hiking. Completely unreleated shot of a cougar. Shot of a grou hiking. Shot of an owl. On and on and on.

Then Leslie Neilsen wrestles a bear without his shirt on ...in a lighting storm... right after he tried to rape a woman, actually beat up a Jewish mother, and shook the shit out of her little kid.

All the animals are affected by the depleting ozone layer and go crazy. Rats, dogs, bears, wolves, birds, snakes. They're all there. You haven't lived until you see a group of flying rats attack a police officer in his kitchen. You just haven't.


Can you believe that Piranha Part Two: The Spawning was James Cameron's first movie? The man made The Terminator, The Abyss, Aliens, and Titanic! Want the plot? The piranhas are back. They fly now. They kill people. The humans blow up their nest. The end.

Granted, I had already been at the theatre for nine hours by the time this one had started, but even if this has been the first movie, I still wouldn't have been impressed. The synopsis is a lot funnier then the movie, which takes itself extremely seriously. There was one really great scene where a piranha jumps out of a guy's dead chest (a la Alien) and attacks a morgue nurse. Excellent.

The entire event lasted 11 HOURS. But we paced ourselves, ate delicious snacks (including sugar cereal that Jesse gave us!) and worked through all of the films. It was a great events and a fun night.

In conclusion, Jaws is a must-see on the big screen. Phase IV and Alligator are worth buying on DVD. Day of the Animals was worth watching...but barely. Piranha 2: The Spawning was rough, not even really worth watching to laugh at.

Top 11 Female Death Scenes

Entertainment Weekly put out a list of the Top 25 Death Scenes. A quick glance can see that most of the classics are there. The Fargo woodchipper. T-1000 melting. Darth Vader with his mask off. They're all there. But what I noticed was the 4/5 of the list were dying men. Women can die just as good as men, have been since the beginning of time.

Death scenes can be depressing, powerful, exciting, gory, etc. Sometimes they have speeches preceding them. Other times the surprise is what makes them memorable. This list has it all. Here's the Top 11 Female Death Scenes.

11. Terms of Endearment

The most memorable scene of ToE is when the dying mother says goodbye to her sons. It isn't until a little later that she actually dies. But combine the two, and you've got a death scene worthy of being called "number 11."

10. Battle Royale

If you haven't seen this yet, then you're missing out. Forty-two teenage students are put onto an island. They're told that they have three days to kill each other. The last one alive gets to go home. If there's more than one left at the end of the three days, the collars they're all wearing explode creating space between their shoulders and their bowl cuts.

09. Kill Bill

Tarantino knows how to shoot a death scene. Actually, Norifumi Suzuki really knows how. The snow battle scene was an homage to his Sex and Fury (1973). A really bad "little off the top joke" would be in order if this wasn't such a classy establishment.

08. Tenebre

This one's not for the kiddies. It's the second bloodiest scene on the list. Dario Argento loves blood like I love Jack-in-the-Box Jalepeno Peppers dipped in tartar sauce. Don't knock'em 'til you try'em.

07. Bambi

Not as sad as the Artax/Swamp of Sadness scene. Turns out, Artax was a dude. Guess a dead mommy deer will have to do.

06. Texas Chainsaw Massacre

This clip from How to Execute a Prisoner...Texas Style has inspired many of the state's greatest executions. Right after this clip, Leatherface shows us how the right spices can make or break your 4th of July BBQ.

05. Suspiria

Argento with another kick-ass death scene. The action comes about two minutes in. Be patient. It's worth it. I hadn't seen anything like this before.

The colors, children, the colors.

04. The Omen

Not quite the Pow-Pow-Power Wheels Damien had been hoping for for his birthday. But I guess this will have to do.

03. Assault on Precinct 13

Powerless without her twin brother Tony, Tia should have tried moving out of the way rather than stopping the bullet with her mind. Maybe she could have blocked it with her Star Case.

02. Thelma & Louise

Say what you will, this is a great death scene. Driving off a cliff instead of going to jail? Damn the Man! Women's lib all the way. Too bad Geena Davis' career is still lying at the bottom of that cliff.

01. Psycho

Speaking of women's lib, here's a scene of a sexy, wet, naked woman getting stabbed to death with a phallic object by a madman dressed up in women's clothing. Never really thought about like that until right now.

What are your favorite death scenes? Leave some comments and become eligible to be like Keith and win next month's HCSTCA!

5 Villians ROBIN Could Defeat

Christian Bale said recently that he would stop playing Batman if Robin was reintroduced. Apparently Bale has no use for a Boy Wonder sidekick. Robin never gets any respect. The last time we saw him on the big screen, it was in a nipple suit. No, thank you, Mr. Schumacher.

Batman Returns and The Dark Knight have blown up like crazy. People would inject the celluloid into their bloodstreams if they could. To me, there's just something missing without Robin. Maybe I'm just a sap for underrated superheroes, and sidekicks.

So, today I declare my desire for a Robin movie! No Batman, just Robin. It's time that fans of the gymnast-turned-crime fighter stand up and demand quality sidekick entertainment. There are plenty of young, talented actors who could play the part. Just keep Zac Efron the hell away from the set and I'll be happy.

Here's the only problem. Can Robin actually beat any supervillians by himself? He doesn't have any powers. He uses Batman's gadgets. He's really just a glorified circus performer.

That doesn't mean a movie should be made about Robin, the filmmakers just have to make sure that they have the right bad guy involved. So, here's a list of suggestions. Five villains that Robin could face in his very own movie. Oh, and if you click on the links, you'll see who I could cast in each role. Enjoy.

The Vulture

He could fly (thanks to a machine he built). He once got knocked out my Spider-Man's ancient Aunt Mae. He has super strength; but these days, who doesn't (besides Robin)?

The Vulture would make a great villain for the Robin movie because they're both named after birds. Imagine a Robin vs. Vulture movie poster. It could look just like the Alien vs. Predator poster! Sanaa Lathan could co-star.

Mojo

He's so fat that he can't walk. Without technology, he's can't even use his superpower. His superpower: television. He enslaved people by getting them to watch TV all day long.

The script could revolve around Robin having to compete on a Japanese game show before getting to fight Mojo. If Robin can run on a treadmill while jumping over big teddy bears and eat three mochi balls before falling into the pit of flour, he wins.

If he wins, I'm sure Robin could just punch Mojo in the face once and the ripple effect through the alien's fat pockets would put too much stress on his heart resulting in immediate death.

Quackerjack

Another bird-themed villain, this time from Darkwing Duck. A toymaker pushed out of business when video games became more popular than board games, Quackerjack rob banks so that he can keep making toys for sick children.

This is just the type of sick bastard that Robin needs to stop. I'm picturing a bloody brawl in a toy factory like Child's Play 2. Robin will say something like, "Playtime's over, bitch" before shoving the crazed duck-man into a pit of boiling plastic.

Vernimous Skumm

Robin could fight pollution. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he could fight pollution. It's Batman meets An Inconvenient Truth. I'll win an Oscar for Best Original Song and the Super Size Me guy will try to soak up some success by living in a Batcave for 30 days.

Abra Kadabra the Magician

If Robin couldn't beat Abra Kadabra the Magician, then he deserves the same fate as Heath Ledger.


Who do you think Robin could beat? Do you think this movie will ever get made? Was it too soon to make a Heath Ledger's dead joke?

http://bigmikesmovieblog.blogspot.com

Top Comments Award Ceremony

Here at He Shot Cyrus, we love comments like Mormons love minivans. Ever since the birth of HSC, readers from all over the world have left us great feedback and funny comments. Today, we decided to hold the first HE SHOT CYRUS TOP COMMENTS AWARD CEREMONY. The winner of the HSCTCA (rolls off your tongue, doesn't it?) will instantly morph from their present state into the internet's most profound pundit. The stakes are high, I know, but so are most HSC readers. On to the ceremony!

Top 5 Comments

July 2008

5. "I'm deeply disturbed right now and don't like that I really could have saved myself from that."
- Laura after clicking the "rape" picture in the Deliverance post.

4. "FYI: Southern hospitality is actually a myth. Every single place below the Mason-Dixon is exactly like Deliverance, all the time. Sometimes worse. (Or better, depending on your point of view...)"
- Keith arguing against one of the few points I actually made about Deliverance.

3. "All that said, I bet Joe Piscopo would give his steroid-swollen left arm for the lead in even 'The Haunted Mansion.'"
- Rob from Natsukashi on the decline of Eddie Murphy.

2. "Note: Please do not post a link to a picture of the "Taylor" character (or any other characters) getting raped. Just in case that crossed your mind. Your first photo link summed it up."
- Taylor begging and pleading me not to release the "camping trip" photos.

And the number one comment of July 2008 goes to:

1. "Doomsday was the closest I've come to walking out of a theater in a long time. It was AIDS in film form."
- Keith summing up Doomsday perfectly.

Congratulations, Keith! In honor of your achievement, we've decided to award you with this trophy which you may feel free to place anywhere on you blog. Enjoy all the success it will bring you.

Also, a huge thanks to the following people for commenting on my last few posts. All the links will take you to the commenter's movie blog. Go spread the love you've been giving HSC. Thanks, everyone.

Four Comments:
Megan - Eddie Murphy, Top 7 Lists, My Best Job, and Deliverance

Three Comments:
Daniel G. - Top 7 Lists, My Best Job, and Deliverance
Kaleen - Eddie Murphy, Top 7 Lists and Deliverance

Two Comments:
Fox - Eddie Murphy and Deliverance
Keith - Top 7 Lists and Deliverance
Kim - Top 7 Lists and My Best Job
Piper - The Gingerdead Man and Kung Fu Panda
Taylor - My Best Job and Deliverance

One Comment:
Annie Ha - Top 7 Lists
Chris - My Best Job
Cinexcellence - Top 7 Lists
Derek - The Gingerdead Man
Laura - Deliverance
The Mad Hatter - Eddie Murphy
Marilyn - My Best Job
mc - Eddie Murphy
Natsukashi - Eddie Murphy
Ross Williams - Eddie Murphy
Shaun - Eddie Murphy
Whitney - Deliverance

I'll be holding another one of these in a month. Keep the comments coming, they're what keeps He Shot Cyrus from shutting down and turning into another dry cleaning joint. And really, who needs another one of those?

Cast Your Friends: Deliverance (1972)

Do you ever cast your friends in the movies you watch? Anytime there's a group of guys hanging out, that's when my friends' faces start popping up on screen. Apparently, my friends and I have such specific personality types, all so different from one another, that Hollywood producers use us for models of male friendship.

My friends Taylor, Brad, Ryan, and I make up our core group. Taylor gets cast as the smart guy who always speaks as the voice of reason. You know, the one most likely to survive. Brad plays the manly-man who'll punch a bird out of the sky if he's hungry. Ryan's the cool, quiet guy whose funeral the rest of the group reunite to attend. I swear, Ryan's character almost always dies within the first fifteen minutes.

I'm the clown, the one who keeps everyone's spirits up...sometimes at the expense of the group's safety. Taylor's character tells me to stop fooling around, Brad's character threatens to stab me with the spear he's just carved out of a pine tree, and Ryan...well, he doesn't say anything; he's dead.

Usually these movies are comedies, sometimes light dramas, Edward Burns' filmography comes to mind. So does Without a Paddle, sadly. Apparently everyone else got the memo to wait for a DVD release, as I was completely alone in the theatre. Anyway, last night, I watched Deliverance. I know what you're thinking. Please don't tell me you cast your friends in Deliverance. Well, I couldn't help it.



For those of you unfamiliar with Deliverance, here's a quick synopsis. A group of friends decide to take a canoe trip down the Cahulawassee River before a dam is put into place which will turn it into a giant lake. Along the way, a group of toothless rednecks decide to terrorize them.

Here's a breakdown of the main characters. Jon Voight plays the heroic everyman. When placed into a crazy situation, he rises to the occasion and kicks some major ass. Unlike other "Ryan" characters, he actually lives past the first fifteen minutes. Burt Reynolds, seen here without a mustache, is the manly-man who takes out anything from halibut to hillbillies with his bow and arrow. He's the "Brad" character.

The "Taylor" character is played by Ronny Cox. He's the guy who's way too intelligent to be rafting down Georgian rivers with overall-wearing rednecks hiding in the bushes. Ned Beatty plays the "Me" character. He whines at the first sight of outdooriness and would rather just hang out at home than float down white-water rapids in an aluminum gravy boat.

Everything's going fine. Then I get raped.



You clicked on that link, didn't you? Well, either way, this movie gets pretty crazy for a mainstream thriller from the early 70s. It's nothing compared to the gruesomeness and gag-reflex inspiring antics of Last House on the Left or I Spit on Your Grave but it's an attention-grabber throughout.

One of the strongest points the film makes is not to generalize all people from the South as backwood booty burglars and to point out that Southern hospitality still exists even when chubby, curly-haired guys get molested amidst God's wilderness. Bastards.

What I learned last night was that while casting your buddies in a movie might seem fun, sometimes people get hurt...anally. Let's keep the casting up to the professionals, shall we?

My Best Job

Want to get a job at a movie theatre? Try watching the same film (the only film they're showing) seven times in a week. That should get the owner's attention. That's exactly what I did. The historic Granada Theater was showing some film called Tortilla Soup. I had nothing to do one night, thought I'd check it out.

From the first second, the film's music and colors grabbed me and guided me through ninety agreeable minutes. I went back the next night. I took a friend the night after that. Tortilla Soup and I became quick friends. So did my future boss and I.

9/11 had just happened and people were acting all funny. Some people weren't going to movies much anymore. Some couldn't get enough, maybe they were trying to enjoy every last moment of freedom. My movie habits didn't change. Seeing a movie seven times in theatres is no new experience for me.

During those first few nights, the owner, Howard, and I chatted about what a good movie this was. A Latino remake of Ang Lee's Eat Drink Man Woman, it focused on the food just as much as it did the characters. Not a film for everyone, a bit corny for some, less of a masterpiece than I had described it, etc.

Something about the movie and something about the theatre kept bringing me back. I never considered applying for a job until the seventh night. By then, Howard and I were talking film all the time. He would tell me how, way back in the day, the theatre used to give out dishware to every customer. Mondays would be a plate, Tuesdays would be a cup, etc. You'd have to come every night to get an entire set. Apparently it worked. Decades later, the theatre was still up and running.

From the lobby, I could see into the back room. It was filled with movie posters. In high school, my room was 100% covered in posters. You couldn't see the walls/ceiling at all. I don't know why we even bothered painting. Getting my hands on these posters would be like finding the Holy Grail.

My friend and I offered to work for free posters but I wound up getting a real job offer. I started two days later. Next thing I knew, I was tearing tickets, popping popcorn, and cleaning up after the messiest people in the county. It was the greatest!

Working at a movie theatre was a dream come true. Free movies. Free food. Talking about film all day. I even got to help my boss choose which movies to play! We decided to run El Crimen del padre Amaro, a controversial film about a Catholic priest who has a relationship with a teenage girl. Every night, the place was packed. Half way through the film, the place was half empty. People were storming out of the theatre, yelling at me like I had made the movie.

I worked at the Granada until the business sold. The last two films we played were My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Chicago. We closed the doors after letting out sell-out crowds. The people who bought the Granada promised that they would still continue to cater to the Art House crowds. After playing The Pianist for a single week, the marquee read "Vin Diesel in A Man Apart." Sad.

Today, the Granada no longer plays movies. My boss moved across the country without giving anyone his address. I moved to another town and got a job at a corporate video store. I'll have to write a "My Worst Job" post later. Every time I'm back in town, I drive past my best workplace. It houses a community theatre group now. Sad.

Working at a one-screen, art house movie theatre was my best job. Somehow, Hollywood Video and Circuit City can't really compete. If I can say one last thing, it would be to tell you to support independently owned businesses. Especially movie theatres. Get to know the employees. Make it a habit to drive the extra ten minutes to the tiny movie house. Maybe you'll get a job there and have an excellent eighteen months filled with free nachos and movie posters.

Kung Fu Panda...a Rip Off?

Kung Fu Panda's been out for a while now. I saw it, enjoyed it, identified with the main character. Overall, Dreamworks impressed me. However, for the last month, I've been reading/browsing reviews looking for someone to make the same connection I made with the movie.

This is going to highlight how nerdy I really am.

The whole time I was watching Kung Fu Panda, I couldn't stop thinking about a Super Nintendo game called "Brutal: Paws of Fury." Does anyone remember this game besides me? Someone called "Davidspackage" (heh) on the Something Awful forums thought back to Brutal just like I did.

It's a fighting game, think Street Fighter meets Animal Planet. Asian sounding music played as the animals kicked the cartoon crap out of each other. There's no panda bear, but Ivan the Bear met all your Ailuropoda melanoleuca needs.

Here's a fifteen minute series of clips from Brutal gameplay. I knew it's what you wanted.

While no one at Dreamworks has probably ever even heard of Brutal, you've got to admit, there are some similarities. My rip off theory is even more disproved thanks to the fact that Tiger, Monkey, Snake, Mantis, and Crane are all martial art styles. Maybe Pixar will try to jump on the fighting animal bandwagon and make a big-screen adaptation of one of my favorite childhood games.

That's pretty much all I had to say about Kung Fu Panda and Brutal: Paws of Fury. Anyone else out there in blog-o-land happen to remember this game? I know someone must.

The Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch: The Gingerdead Man

When I saw this at Blockbuster, I swore I would never watch it. Guess I was wrong. The Gingerdead Man made my Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch List. Let me tell you, it deserved to be there.

The movie is not funny, not entertaining in any way, and not worth watching for any reason. At least it was short. The total running time of The Gingerdead Man was 61 minutes. This shit plot couldn't even make an entertaining commercial.

Gary Busey, a wonky-eyed psychopath, "stars" in this straight-to-DVD sewage plant. This guy needs to just go away. Even the role of Millard Findlemeyer, robber of diners, was too much for this sad bastard.

This lady died fourteen seconds in. She was the lucky one.

The graphics were straight out of the early 80s.
It made Puppet Master look like Lord of the Rings.

The death scenes were just as bad as I expected.
Why actually entertain an audience?
You've already got their $4.25.

The characters: they throw pies in each other's faces.
The score: straight-up carnival music (with every instrument played on a keyboard).
The dialogue: "Who can kick your ass? The candyman can, bitch!"

That's it, I'm done. Fuck the Gingerdead Man.

7 Words about 7 Movies

Joe said He Shot Cyrus needed more Top 5 Lists. Top 5? Try TOP 7!
Here they are, folks.
Three lists. Seven months. Seven movies. Seven words.

Also, you should write your own lists.
These lists are really get some conversations going.
Tell me what you love. Tell me what you hate.
Thanks in advance.

Top 7 Movies of the Year (...so far...)

7. The Flight of the Red Balloon
Minimalist homage to a
French childhood favorite.

6. Miss Pettigrew
Lives for a Day
Adorable Amy Adams.
Acting Goddess
Frances McDormand.

5. Be Kind Rewind
Made by someone who
really loves movies.

4. Dear Zachary: A Letter
to a Son About His Father
Have to see it to believe it.

3. The Strangers
I liked it more
than most people.

2. The Fall
Visually stunning.
Mind-blowingly beautiful.
Thanks, Kaleen!

1. Shotgun Stories
Best 2008 movie you haven't seen yet.

Top 7 I Want to See

7. Funny Games - Shot-by-shot remake. Worth watching again?
6. The Visitor - It's probably better than the trailer looks.
5. My Blueberry Nights - Wong Kar-Wai + Norah Jones = my excitement
4. Paranoid Park - Strongly recommended by a friend. Movie night?
3. Teeth - She has teeth in her vagina! WHAT?
2. In Bruges - People keep telling me it's actually great.
1. The Wackness - 1994 Soundtrack: Biggie, Nas, Tribe, Wu-Tang, Biz

Top 7 Disappointments

7. Great technique, could have done much more - Cloverfield
6. Just kidding, I knew it'd be terrible - 27 Dresses
5. Only took fifteen to solve the mystery - 88 Minutes
4. Why, Tina Fey, why? Back to TV! - Baby Mama
3. At least there wasn't a twist ending... - The Happening
2. Loved his other work, not this one - Meet the Browns
1. Ripped off fifteen movies all at once - Doomsday

There you go. Let me know what you think. Now, write up your own lists!

The Decline of Eddie Murphy

Before I get into anything else, I want to thank everyone who wrote comments on the last couple of posts. Thanks to Kaleen, Daniel G., MC, Kim, Whitney, Laura, Shaun, Fox, Megan, Rick Ryan, Evan Derrick, Fletch, DC Movie Girl, and Ross Williams for your great comments!

Also, thanks to everyone who voted in this week's poll question. Apparently, the majority of film fans haven't enjoyed a Cuba Gooding Jr. movie in over 10 YEARS. As Good as it Gets topped out as the winner. I would recommend Men of Honor, the story of the first African-American US Navy Diver, as worthy of a Netflix rental.

On to this week's events!
Last week, Ross Williams raised a good question.

What the hell has happened to Eddie Murphy?

Saturday Night Live. 48 Hrs. Trading Places. Coming to America! Anyone can name a bunch of Eddie Murphy classics. You own them. You quote them. You love them. The thing is, Murphy came to America a long, long time ago.

In the 1980s, he was a comedy God.
In the 90s, atheism took over.
No one believes in Eddie Murphy anymore.

How does someone start so high and then fall so low? Since my last post, I've been trying to figure this out. These days, the image of Murphy is one of fat suits and failure. Nowadays, anyone can name any bunch Eddie Murphy flops. Some might say his post-80s career peaked at The Nutty Professor and then something happened. Movie after movie got released. Each one seemed worse than the last.

What happened to the raunchy comic who crossed over successfully onto the big-screen? How did the star of so many comedy classics end up making a series of disappointing B-pictures? Was there something that happened in his career or in his life that forced this change? One of the things people don't talk about is that...

Eddie Murphy has been making awful movies
since the beginning of his career.

Contrary to popular belief, Murphy made bad movies long before the mid-90s.

1. Best Defense (1984)
2. The Golden Child (1986)

Told you so.

Luckily for Murphy, these bad movies were released in between good ones. Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop, and Beverly Hills Cop II. They made you forget the bad ones. The good movies outshone the bad ones. Not anymore.

Today, the opposite is happening. Murphy's been in a number of good movies since The Nutty Professor. Don't believe me? What about Life, Dreamgirls, and three Shrek movies? And who could forget about "The PJs?" Don't tell me I'm alone in my love for "The PJs?" The trouble is, all of those good movies are sandwiched between multiple terrible ones. Today, the bad movies are outweighing the good.

Kid-Tested, Mother Approved

Murphy's stand-up comedy was raunchy and people loved it. Most of his early 80s movies had a lot of swearing, potty humor, fight scenes, even nudity. Who can forget the Coming to America bath scene? Everything was working out just fine. Then came a couple flops.

Beverly Hills Cop III, Vampire in Brooklyn, and Metro showed that a change was in order.

Enter: the Family-Friendly Films.

These movies were huge! These were his tickets back to the top.
That's when the trouble began.

Two of Murphy's biggest successes were in voice-over work. The only times critics saw him on-screen were in family movies like Dr. Dolittle. Family movies hardly ever get a fair shake from the critical community. Once the memories of The Nutty Professor faded away, Hollywood seemed to forget why we liked Eddie Murphy. Or that we liked him at all.

Raunchy 80s Eddie worked. Squeaky clean Eddie worked too. When he tries to land somewhere in the middle, that's when everything goes wrong. It hasn't worked since The Nutty Professor. Since then, Holy Man, Bowfinger, Showtime, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and I Spy represent a long series of PG-13 disasters.

You would think that after the first few flops, he would have realized what worked and what didn't. But no, something kept pushing Eddie to abandon the successful formulas. Just look at that list of stinkers! For a while, it seemed like nothing could resurrect his career.

Like my girlfriend's favorite singer says,
"the times, they are a-changin'."

Financial hits like Daddy Day Care kept Eddie afloat as did the Shrek 2 monster. Then Eddie was cast as James "Thunder" Early in the critically-adored Dreamgirls. Who would have thought that Pluto Nash would ever get an Oscar nomination?

But as my girlfriend's favorite boyfriend predicted, he didn't win. The Oscar went to Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine and Pluto Nash stormed out of the Kodak Theatre and got back on his spaceship. Who needs dignity when you're getting ready to knock the movie-going public on their butts?

After things started getting good for Eddie Murphy...someone whispered into his ear. That person (Satan, I believe), told him that CROSSDRESSING and FAT SUITS were the logical next step to follow an Oscar nomination.

[That tagline couldn't be more fitting.]

His role in Dreamgirls will probably go down in history as little more than a fluke. There were persistent rumors that the Oscar went to Alan Arkin instead of Murphy because his next film was Norbit. The Academy refused to reward someone who starred, co-starred, and wrote this piece of garbage. Well, serves him right. He should have known better.

What works for Eddie Murphy are PG-rated Kids Movies. Possibly, someday, he could return to his R-rated raunchy roots and give that a try again. But what he needs to stop doing is making PG-13 bombs. His latest, Meet Dave is a prime example of what Hollywood needs to stop. They always bomb, so why keep making them?

What's Next for Norbit?

Excluding Meet Dave, his next few movies don't appear to be Norbit-bad. Still in the development stages, Murphy has two projects that each sound interesting. The first, A Thousand Words follows a guy finds out he only has 1,000 words left to speak before he dies. How the script will deal with the fact that he could just opt not to speak is left to be seen.

The second film is called NowhereLand. Murphy is a busy dad, too busy for his own daughter. Somehow, he ends up in his daughter's imaginary world. I bet there'll be a lot of lessons learned in this one. Hopefully, each of these will be successful and he'll finally learn to let someone else entertain the 13+ crowds. The world can't handle another Bowfinger.

10 Banana Creme Pies...of DEATH!

Sleep tight, children. He's dead.

Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch: Pride and Prejudice

Cinematic kryptonite. Some movies just scream "cinematic kryptonite." It like you're Superman and these movies are going to hurt you, cause you physical pain. When the BBC released a five hour miniseries entitled Pride & Prejudice I knew I had met my match. Lex Luthor, himself, couldn't make me watch this movie.

Whitney over at Dear Jesus and I came up with our Top 5 Movies We Never Want to Watch lists and decided to watch them all together and write something about them. Pride and Prejudice was at the top of my list. I just finished watching it. Here are my reflections.

After the first three hours,
I realized I was twelve minutes in.

This movie was LONG. L-O-N-G-long. Let me save you the trouble and give you a brief recap of the film's events. Imagine five hours of:

Girls giggling. Colin Firth glaring. Bowing. Curtsying. Crying. Group dancing. Giggling. Glaring. Crying. Group dancing. Giggling. A double wedding.

But you can't forget all the whining. Oh, sweet Moses, the whining. The Bennets never stop complaining about being poor. They complain in their mansion. They complain wandering around their property. They complain in front of their servants. The Bennets are the richest poor people in history. I remember being poor. It wasn't like the Bennets. It was more like the Sanfords.

"There's nothing I love more than a country dance."

Once I heard this line, I knew there'd be a lot of balls in my future. That wasn't a double entendre. I know what you're thinking. But after five dance sequences (I counted), I began to think I might prefer other options.

Five long dance scenes. If the dancing got cut, it'd be a short instead of a miniseries. Surprisingly, however, only one woman fainted. I assumed there'd be a lot of people fainting but I was wrong. These movies always seen to have people faint when they're surprised, scared, or for any other reason. Bravo BBC, you didn't overdo the faints.

The Bromidic Bennets and their Old-Fashioned Friends

The Bennets have five daughters. You would think with all that horseback riding, having five children would have been a more difficult task. They're a lovely group of "handsome women." The only goal of the girls' mother, Mrs. Bennet, is to marry off her kids to wealthy gentlemen. Here's the kicker. Nobody in this movie has a job. Everyone's money is inherited. Some of them are in the army, but I just assumed they did that as a hobby.

The main character is Elizabeth Bennet. She's actually pretty rad. When everyone tells her to marry some rich guy, she decides to marry someone she loves. Elizabeth is the closest thing to a feminist that Pride and Prejudice has to offer. She's played by Jennifer Ehle. Jennifer Ehle is the poor man's Moira Kelly (unless Moira Kelly is already the poor man's Moira Kelly).

The gentleman she ends up with is Mr. Darcy (Colin Firth). Colin Firth's sideburns fall somewhere between Wolverine and John Popper in his fat days. Darcy spends the majority of his time glaring across ballrooms and trying to play a badass.

Mrs. Bennet is rough. Her voice hit my eardrums like Bobby Crosby playing T-Ball. For the entire five hours, she sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire yelling "Heeeelllllooooo" with that cake frosting on her face.

Some Other Stuff to Note

[*] In a page out of the "To Catch a Predator" handbook, the girls' creepy uncle weighs his marrying options between his five nieces. He stumbles into the youngest sister, age 15, in her bloomers, and is then greeted by the ever-charming Chris Hanson. He explains that he's just been chatting to the girl through carrier pigeon but Hanson has heard that one before. You can be sure of that.

[*] When the youngest sister elopes, her family acts like she's strapping on some clear heels and stripping to "Cherry Pie." Everybody starts sobbing like two-year-olds lost in a supermarket. She's not a heroin-addicted prostitute, she's dating a guy without marrying him. Alert the Queen's troops! You know how they deal their family shame? Mr. Darcy bribes the guy. He takes the bribe and marries her. Problem solved. I miss the good ol' days.

[*] I can't explain how frustrating it is to know the ending five hours before the movie ends. Will the main girl end up with the main guy? I wonder! Inch by inch. Dance scene by dance scene. Slowly, we pull ourselves towards the finish line. The story deserves a mile, what we get is a marathon.


Overall, the film was more enjoyable than I thought it would be. Even with the Olde English, dance scenes, creepy uncles, and absurd running lengths, I made it through. I can't believe I [watched] the whole thing. Props to the BBC for pulling this off. I'm sure adapting one of the highest praised novels of all-time certainly stacks on the pressure.

When I read "Pride and Prejudice" (thanks to that Classic British Literature course I stupidly took) the length astounded me. It still does. The fact that I read the entire book surprises me even more. After "Pride and Prejudice" and the first half of "Tom Jones" (which isn't about the singer!) I was done with Classic British Literature. I was also done with their adaptations...until today.

Final thoughts: I'm glad it's done. It wasn't as terrible as I thought but I'm glad it's done.

Thanks to Fletch, Whitney, Shaun, Fox, Kaleen, Ross Williams, and DCMovieGirl for leaving really great comments on The Decline of Cuba Gooding Jr. Maybe a "Decline of Eddie Murphy" series may have to created soon. Keep those comments coming. They make it worth writing so much. Also, keep voting on the Cuba Gooding Jr. poll question. I feel so sorry for the person who hasn't enjoyed a Cuba movie since A Few Good Men. It's been a LONG time since A Few Good Men.

The Decline of Cuba Gooding Jr.

Quick! Name three great Cuba Gooding Jr. movies. Were any of them made before 2001? I didn't think so.

Cuba's career has steadily taken a nosedive for as long as most young filmgoers can remember. If I were a few years younger, my opinions of Cuba would most likely be different. Luckily, I can remember the good days.

Growing up, I could head to the theater and watch As Good as it Gets and What Dreams May Come to see this actor perform his ass off. Nowadays, all the kids get are Snow Dogs and Norbit.

What happened? How does an Oscar-winning actor who clearly had the chops find his way into any non-animated, post-Nutty Professor Eddie Murphy movie? Hell, his first major role was in Boyz n the Hood! If you've yet to partake in the sweet, cinematic nectar that is Boyz n the Hood, do yourself this favor.

Something must have happened. Something changed things for Cuba. Today, I tracked that something down.

Two tragedies took place in America in 2001. One of them was 9/11, the other was Pearl Harbor.

The only bombs Michael Bay should be concerned with are his own. When the film was released, it became clear that turning an attack on American soil into a love story was a bad idea. At least that's the message Oliver Stone took from the movie.

Cuba played Petty Officer Doris Miller, a boxer/cook who is quick to grab a machine gun when the Pearl Harbor hits the fan. Nobody loved this movie. Sadly, Cuba was attached to this stinkbomb and now he's paying the price.

After the Oscar win, his films continued to impress anyone willing to watch. The critics loved him in As Good as it Gets. They didn't hate him in Men of Honor either. He was getting better and better. But it's just like that old kamikaze pilot saying, what goes up must come down.

Pearl Harbor was the turning point. Cuba's co-stars (i.e. Affleck and Harnett), have found their own ways to stay out of the limelight (Gigli and Hollywood Homicide, respectively) but after this movie there was no looking back for Mr. Show Me the Money.



The following year marked the beginning of the Snow Dogs era. Scripts about talking animals remakes of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, started getting passed across Cuba's desk and Cuba read them all. Here's the tricky part. Why did he read these scripts, and more importantly, why did he take these roles?

Here's a clip from Boat Trip. No need for a plot description for this one. The clip explains it all. Tell me this. What about this earth-shaking dialogue made anyone involved think that this movie won't suck?

Here's the thing. These movies are not stopping. In seven years, Cuba Gooding Jr. has been in over fifteen terrible movies. Fifteen! And they keep getting worse! At least the first few of his movies made it to theaters. Now, there's a steady stream of straight-to-DVD releases with his pretty face plastered all over them.

You have to imagine that the paychecks he's being offered aren't that high anymore. How much money can someone make by recording a voice for a character named Loofah in The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends? No, I'm not kidding. Loofah!

Cuba recently played a flamboyant drug dealer in Ridley Scott's American Gangster. In a surprising turn of events, his performance was the most enjoyable part of that film. Could this have been a sign? Was a "Cuba Comeback" in order?



Sadly, American Gangster was not the catapult Cuba needed to get back on the right track. Nothing could prove that more than a quick look at his upcoming projects. Another straight-to-DVD feature with Ray Liotta, a drug gang movie that probably won't see theatres, and a military horror film with monsters that look like this.

Oh wait, one more. As you all know, he's also in this movie:

Cuba once complained that all the good roles go to Will Smith.
Looks like Smith missed one.

With his next two years tied up in terrible looking movies, it would seem that the "Cuba Comeback" is going to have to wait. Isn't there some way to bring back pre-Pearl Harbor Cuba? I miss Major Salt, Cpl. Carl Hammaker, and Chief Carl Brashear. I miss Tré Styles', Rod Tidwell, and Frank Sachs. What I don't miss is Loofah the talking dinosaur.

Attention all Hollywood bigwigs! Please start greenlighting scripts with at least TWO roles for black actors so that Cuba Gooding Jr. can co-star with Will Smith. That is, if Martin Lawrence doesn't get first pick.

Thanks for reading everyone. Also, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I couldn't believe the response that funny looking poster received. Here are my favorite people in the world right now: Daniel G., The Mad Hatter, Whitney, Megan, Keith, Rick Olsen, Kaleen, MC, and Kim. I am loving the comments and feedback from everyone, keep them coming!