Saturday, May 24, 2008

Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch

You can't watch everything. But why would you want to?

I own over 1,000 DVDs and they range from Criterion Collection selections to dollar bin Amoeba movies. The pride of my collection is an Old Boy Three Disc Ultimate Collector's Edition which has TONS of special features, a cool tin case, an original 35mm film cell, and a 200-page graphic novel. One of my hidden shames is that I own a copy of Vin Diesel's The Pacifier which I bought for $1.00 from the aforementioned Amoeba mecca.

My point is that I'll watch all sorts of movies ranging from classics to the bottom of the barrel. But there are certain movies I've never seen and never want to see...ever. Over the years, I've built these movies up to be the least desirable movies ever made. Whether they star an actor I can't stand or they just look plain awful, these movies were deemed "unwatchable," my cinematic kryptonite. Well, I'm going to watch them. All of them. Then I'm going to tell you if I was right or not. I'd bet that I'm right.

Whitney over at Dear Jesus is joining in on this torture. Once she makes her list, it's on! We're watching all ten movies together and if we survive, then we'll post on each other's blogs and tell you what we went through. Now then, on to the list!

The Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch (but am going to anyway...) List:

1. The "I Hate That Guy" Movie
The Gingerdead Man starring Gary Busey

I hate Gary Busey. Period. If he's in a movie I immediately try to find something else to watch. It's the craziness that he tries to shove on everyone. I really doubt he's as crazy as he makes him self out to be. If he actually is that crazy then he should be more interesting when someone's filming him. Thankfully, I haven't had to watch his chattering horseteeth gnaw through any scenery since an episode of "Entourage" a couple years ago.

A few months ago, I made an unexpected trip to Blockbuster because Netflix was taking too long to get me my Sopranos DVDs and that's when I spotted this cinematic abortion. The Gingerdead Man starring Gary Busey. I shuddered at the current state of independent film and made a mental note to never, ever, ever, watch this movie.

My predictions: If Gary Busey stars as the Gingerdead Man then maybe this movie will be more tolerable. I'd rather watch a badly animated cookie monster (not the Cookie Monster) than Busey failing to get out of that paper bag he's acting in. If Busey's role requires him to act like a human then it's going to be a long seventy minutes.

2. The "That Looks Boring as Hell" Movie
Pride and Prejudice - The A&E Five Hour Long Miniseries

I just can't see how this is going to be bearable. Granted, I like Colin Firth in movies like Love, Actually but it's not Mr. Firth that I'm anticipating having a problem with. I have a problem with the fact that it's five hours long, set in 19th century England, and features dialogue such as this:

You're mistaken, Mr. Darcy. The mode of your declaration merely spared me any concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner. You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. From the very beginning your manners impressed me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit and your selfish disdain for the feelings of others. I had not known you a month before I felt you were the last man in the world whom I could ever marry!

Victorian England movies are the cinematic equivalent to waterboarding. Buggies, bonnets, and Bennets are not my ideal content for a kick-ass Saturday afternoon. They don't even suit me for a Thursday's early evening. I'm not going to say that there aren't any good movies set in Victorian England, I know better than that. I will say, however, that I don't want to watch them. Some people don't like Pauly Shore and Bobcat Goldthwait, I don't like big white wigs and 1800s courtship narratives.

My prediction: I'm going to hate my life for the five hours I'm watching this and for the two hours beforehand where I'm trying to convince myself to actually go through with it. Should make for an interesting post.

3. The "I'm Morally Opposed to this" Movie
Last House on the Left

Rape revenge movies. Um... I don't know why but these aren't usually my cup of tea. I don't know a whole lot about this movie other than who directed it and the general premise. Not ever seeing that premise play out visually was fine by me. I remember Roger Ebert tried to convince theaters not to book either this film or I Spit on Your Grave because it was absolute garbage. Double feature, anyone?

My prediction: I'm a fan of Wes Craven's work, People Under the Stairs, especially. I have this little inkling of faith that this movie won't be as gut-wrenchingly vile as I've made it out to be. This is the one I'm looking forward to the least. It'll probably turn out to be my favorite. If anything, I probably won't be bored.

4. The "Everyone Told Me This Sucked" Movie

Swept Away
Runners Up: From Justin to Kelly/Gigli/Glitter/Catwoman

This is the movie that ended Guy Ritchie's career! The man that made Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels was brought down by a remake of Lina Wertmuller's 1974 film, "Travolti da un Insolito Destino Nell'azzurro Mare D'agosto," which won the He Shot Cyrus award for "Best Movie Title I've Heard Today." The movie stars his wife, some lady named "Madonna" who I heard used to be singer.

Here's how this movie beat out it's competition: Kelly Clarkson is hot. Jennifer Lopez is hot. Mariah Carey is hot. Halle Berry is hot. Madonna is not hot. In a long list of awful movies, the one with the least redeeming factors wins. That movie is Swept Away. I swore I would never watch it because I really doubted that it would be one of those "so bad, it's good" movies. To be honest, it just looked like a waste of time. I guess the time has come where I have nothing better to do with my time than waste it.

My prediction: It won't be as a bad as everyone say it is. I have no idea what the movie's about but I have a feeling that I won't be hating my life like with some of these other movies. Two hours to eat popcorn and wonder if Swept Away is also the reason why Jason Statham doesn't make good movies anymore.

5. The "So-Called Classic That Doesn't Appeal to Me on Any Level" Movie

I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not David Lynch's biggest supporter. If he ran for President, I'd vote for Peter Bagdonovich instead. But not Roman Polanski. I'm a firm believer that a U.S. President should be allowed to set foot on U.S. soil.

After a few viewings of Blue Velvet and more than a few "ugly" feelings, I began to enjoy it. I wouldn't watch it all the time, but I wouldn't object to someone throwing it in if the mood stuck them. Mulholland Dr. was as confusing as Nick Nolte's mugshot. It's been on my list to watch again but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

Even with my mixed feelings towards his other films, David Lynch isn't the reason I don't want to see Eraserhead. Back when I was a young fellow attending a small high school in rural Central California, I had a friend who always knew about the weirdest music and movies. This kid introduced me to: David Bowie, GWAR, Insane Clown Posse, Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles, Videodrome, and so-called "noise composure." Eraserhead was another film that he told me about. This one, he said, was different. The phrase I always remember him saying is "Don't watch this if you ever want to have kids." I don't know what he meant by this but I was never very curious to find out.

Since High School, tons of people have told me to watch Eraserhead. Apparently, everyone and their grandfather loves this freakin' movie. It got to the point that I started lying to people--telling them I had seen it and that it was "really weird" so that they would leave me alone, haha. They would all agree that while it was "really weird" that it was also a masterpiece. I would agree with them and then change the subject to anything else. It's time to see what they've all been talking about. Once and for all, I am going to be able to say that, "Yes, I have seen Eraserhead and this is what I think of it" without fear of my nose growing.

My prediction: I'm scared that this one's been too overhyped and that it won't live up to my expectations. That being said, I'm open to liking Eraserhead. I'm open to loving Eraserhead. Now that I'm more familiar with Lynch's work I'm pretty sure that I'll be pretty receptive to Eraserhead. I'd also bet that my opinion on bearing offspring won't change that much.

Note: The third Lord of the Rings movie almost made my list but that's a thought for another day.

That's the list! PLEASE, drop a comment in the box with your thoughts on this list. Also, I want to know your lists too. I'm really interesting in finding out which movies you'll never watch. Thanks to everyone who voted on the poll question and thanks to everyone who's been leaving me comments and feedback lately.


Taylor said...

Seriously, I laughed out loud (very loud) when I saw your first movie on the list. Talk about something my dad would have picked up at Comm Source Video many years ago--or probably today if he saw it. Who directs these types of movies? Stuggling porn directors looking for their big break?

Your #2 seems fit. Even myself, an ardent fan of period pieces realizes that sometimes Victorian England is just plain depressing. Pray for me that I never have to take a history course on that time period.

Question for your comments on #3. Did you mean to say that Rape Revenge movies were your cup of tea or weren't your cup of tea? Other than that, I don't quite see why this should be #3. It seems to me as just another straight-to-video horror movie with a unique twist.

Your #4 seems just. I agree with your thoughts on Madonna.

And #5, well, let me know how it goes...I'm not sure your high school reference was playing with a full deck back then in the first place...but that's another story.

As for my list...well that would take a lot of time to think up (more than I currently have to spare). But a few honorable mentions for movies I don't see myself watching anytime soon in no particular order:

1. Leprechaun 4: In Space
-I saw this in a video store a while back and after seeing the first two (sighing) realized how horrible a series can become and how pathetic I was for watching the first two. If your wondering, a new version came out a few years ago: "Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood." Wow.

2. You Don't Mess With the Zohan
-Saw a trailer for this at the theater not too long ago. Up to that point I was ill of Adam Sandler movies. After wasting two minutes of my life watching the trailer for this movie I am now officially hateful of Adam Sandler movies. (See episode of South Park called Awesome-o where Cartman reveals the simple but tragic formula for making a crappy Adam Sandler film).

3. Tigerland
-Well I guess you could say I cheated some on this one. After watching the first fifteen minutes and turning it off, I realized I would never be watching this film again. Colin Farrell acting on the level of a mediocre Keanu Reeves performance coupled with unneccessary and repulsive nudity scenes with Vietnamese prostitutes sealed the fate of this film in fifteen minutes. If someone wants to watch poor acting with lots of nudity why don't you just head to the back of your local video store. And I'm guessing those movies will still have better acting and plot development than this Vietnam War crapper. And if there's one thing I know, it's war film crappers.

Keith said...

I'm a firm believer that with a few like-minded people (and possibly some booze), there isn't a movie in the world that isn't worth watching. Given the proper circumstances, a handful of shitty movies can form the foundation for a delicious evening.

HOWEVER, if I had to choose, I would definitely say the live-action remake of Akira that's supposed to come out in 2009. With Leondardo Di-motherfucking-goddam-Caprio playing Kaneda. For fuck's sake. I would rather watch 1000 orphans drown in the blood of 1000 nuns than be anywhere near a theater that's playing this "movie."

Regarding your choices...
1) This looks awesome! You're crazy.
2) Victorian dialogue is hilarious! Also, you say you don't like big white wigs? What about big white Whigs? Or big white Tories? TEE HEE HEE. If I were watching this, I would invent a bingo game to go along with it. That alone would make it worthwhile. Also, make construction paper costumes (top hats, dresses, &c.). You may not realize it, but watching this movie could very well be the most fun you've ever had.
3) Lies! You liked Death Wish, and that's totally a rape revenge movie! Wait... or you're saying they are your cup of tea?
4) I can't wait to see how this one turns out. It looks... well... yeah.
5) Eraserhead is great, but for reasons that pud from high school will never understand. Fuck that guy! (Please tell him I said so.)

Overall though, serious props for facing your cinematic fears. You guys are braver than most.

RC said...

how fun! what a great list.

There's tons of stuff I'll pass up...

the first thing that comes to mind that i've avoided is all the Saw films....or what was that Ben Afflect/Jennifer Lopez film...Gigli? or something.

I am with you on Swept Away as well.

elgringo said...

As for the movies listed so far...

Don't Mess with the Zohan looks worse than any of the movies on my list. Sweet Moses, it looks terrible. That South Park episode nailed it.

Everything Taylor wrote about Tigerland is 100% correct.

I had no idea they were remaking Akira with LeoDiCap', yikes. I bet it ends up looking a hell of a lot like Speed Racer.

I've only seen the first Saw, but I've seen it twice with years distancing the two viewings apart. It wasn't AS gruesome as I thought it would be but it was about half as entertaining as I thought it would be...except for my main man Danny Glover!

Laura said...

Ha, I read this first thing this morning and I first read the title as "Movies never to watch" not "Movies I don't ever want to watch". I scrolled down and saw Pride and Prejudice and was ready to launch into a huge thing on why I love that movie...but luckily I went back and checked the title.

I don't have a list, really, but basically you could compile a massive one by including all slasher movies. I have absolutely no interest in those.

I've also had the misfortune of seeing Glitter already, and it is bad, although we both know a certain person who loves it.

Also, if I could go back in time, I would never see the third Pirates movie. It was just god awful. And I love pirates so it really must have been bad.

I'll try to think of some specific movies off the top of my head:

1. Blue Velvet
2. I Know Who Killed Me
3. Eyes Wide Shut
4. Showgirls (I made my interns watch what one!)
5. I Spit on Your Grave

Anonymous said...

What a great idea for a post.

In general, I will give any film the benefit of the doubt (especially since my job pays me to do so). But here's just a random of-the-top-of-my-head post:
1) Cannibal Ferox: Watched Cannibal Holocaust to see what the fuss was about, have no desire to see this one. Torturing defenseless animals does not entertainment make, in my mind.
2) _________ Movie: I really will watch anything provided I have the time, but I have to make a stand against this type of lazy film making any sort of money whatsoever(Epic, Date, Meet the Spartans). It’s past the point of being pathetic and is to the point of cancerous. I love stupid humor. I still get sad thinking about the untimely passing of Chris Farley and John Belushi. But when this film outgrosses true ‘parody’ like Dewey Cox, it’s time for a revolution!
3) Expelled: It is not merely for the film’s ridiculous political (religious) agenda, but the mere premise on which this film was built, in which Ben Stein virtually sandbagged a number of thoughtful scientists into thinking he was making a more thoughtful documentary than an advertisement for the ridiculous notion of creationism.
4) Witless Protection: As a not-so-intelligent man once said, “Fool me once, shame on you.. fool me…we can’t get fooled again.” And speaking of Dubya, his number-one fan in the comedy department has far worn out his welcome in my home. I love the fact that he has essentially made millions from people who he pretends to represent (if you really want to see the real Larry, please check here, or maybe here.--if this does not link, just give a looksee for Dan Whitney on YouTube) David Cross ( put it better than I ever could.
5) Sleep: Andy Warhol’s five-hour film of his partner sleeping. I’m sure there are some artsy and/or fartsy types that may find relevance in this, but I’d much rather down a few Red Bulls and watch my wife sleep. Sure, it’s creepy, but I can always tickle her nose or put her hand in warm water if I get really bored.

Kim and Nick Grafton said...

You make me laugh Scott. I loved your list, and all 5 of those seem like movies that I would never want to see either. Although, I did see Glitter, and I didn't think it was as horrible as everyone said it was. And I would watch Swept Away just for Jason Statham. He is a sexy, sexy beast. Almost too sexy for his own good. But that's another topic.

Jonny said...

Great entry, Scott.

Recently, I watched the single worst (awesome?) horror movie of all time. It's called Santa's Slay (get it?) and it stars none other than professional wrestling great, Bill Goldberg as St. Nick. Have you seen it? If you haven't, it should be included in your marathon. You will never be the same again.

Speaking of Adam Sandler, I completely agree with everyone in that I don't see his appeal at all. One movie that I will never see is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (which sucks, because I like Kevin James). The premise looks lame, and it seems like the prototypical Sandler exercise in misogyny and homophobia. No thanks.

Some other thoughts:

-Last House on the Left, to me, was that vile. It's just relentless in its presentation of violence.

-I don't understand how Gary Busey has (had?) a career.

-Victorian England, in general, bores me to tears also. I'm also not the biggest Jane Austen fan in the world.

-I'm pretty unfamiliar with Lynch's work (aside from Mullholand Drive). I'd like to hear what you thought of Eraserhead.

-PLEASE devote a blog entry to your ambivalence regarding Lord of the Rings. I think that would make for an interesting read.

brian said...

i think you'll like eraserhead. it's one of his funniest movies. (i say that about every lynch movie except dune, elephant man and lost highway, but this time i'm serious. i'm also serious when i say it about mulholland drive, wild at heart and twin peaks.) said...

Dude...TIGERLAND is like, one of the only good Schumacher movies! Not that that's really saying anything. But I actually like that movie. I OWN that movie!

And leave the trilogy out of this. If I hear one more comment like that, I'll kick your ass back to the shire (Clerks 2...anyone...anyone?)!

Stephanie said...

There is a copy of The Gingerbread Man sitting on top of my entertainment centre. My husband bought it. I will not touch it!

Lunatone said...

This is Kaleen, just so you know.

So I just read that remakes of Death Wish and Last House on the Left are in progress... No, I'm so not kidding. Oh, just read a little further and it would appear that The Warriors is also in the planning stages of being remade. WTF is the world coming to...

PS You'll never guess who is producing and starring in the Death Wish remake, so I'll tell you so you can stop being depressed about The Warriors remake - Sly Stallone himself!

And here's the link, so you can see for yourself:

(in order to make it fit I put in returns, so just delete them. Sorry. Blogger sucks sometimes and I can't remember HTML well enough to put in a link. I really ought to have saved myself a lot of effort and just Facebooked you. Whatever.)

Ross Williams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ross Williams said...

Great post. I've seen 2.5 of these, wouldn't bother with Pride and Prejudice. But I'll probably get around to The Gingerdead Man eventually, as I love bad horror movies.

Eraserhead is the 1/2 movie I've seen. I tried to watch it, I enjoy most of Lynch's films, except for Inland Empire, which I watched about a 1/4 of, and will never watch again. Eraserhead was so weird, which I love, but mostly boring, which is deadly, so I couldn't make it through it.

I own Last House on the Left, not because I love it so much, but because I found it for $5 and I hadn't seen it at the time. Only watched it once. It's really not that bad by today's standards, so I doubt you'd find it very offensive. An okay film.

Swept Away is one of those films that has a far worse reputation than it actually is. It's not a good film, but it's fairly entertaining. Guy Ritchie's direction gives it some energy. There are far worse films out there.

But what comes to mind are a few completely brainless Hollywood comedies, with no redeeming qualities. Stuff like Norbit or Big Mamma's House, I guess anything with Martin Lawrence or Eddie Murphy in drag. Gigli, since of its reputation, and I can't stand Lopez, so add to that most of her other films, especially crap like Maid in Manhattan or Monster-in-Law.

Ross Williams said...

For some reason it doesn't like my url tags, what I said above that mess, is that I'll give just about any movie at least one chance.

Gareth said...

Pride and Prejudice isn't set in Victorian England. Victoria was born after Jane Austen died. She wasn't crowned until 1837, more than two decades after the book appeared.

elgringo said...

Oops, I had a feeling that would bite me in the butt. I have only my own ignorance to blame. "Victorian England" is a term I use for any movies/books depicting England from a long time ago. Thanks for clearing this up.

Gilroy said...

Ok im commenting, be happy, also are you free july 27th, its a sunday, call me