Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch

You can't watch everything. But why would you want to?

I own over 1,000 DVDs and they range from Criterion Collection selections to dollar bin Amoeba movies. The pride of my collection is an Old Boy Three Disc Ultimate Collector's Edition which has TONS of special features, a cool tin case, an original 35mm film cell, and a 200-page graphic novel. One of my hidden shames is that I own a copy of Vin Diesel's The Pacifier which I bought for $1.00 from the aforementioned Amoeba mecca.

My point is that I'll watch all sorts of movies ranging from classics to the bottom of the barrel. But there are certain movies I've never seen and never want to see...ever. Over the years, I've built these movies up to be the least desirable movies ever made. Whether they star an actor I can't stand or they just look plain awful, these movies were deemed "unwatchable," my cinematic kryptonite. Well, I'm going to watch them. All of them. Then I'm going to tell you if I was right or not. I'd bet that I'm right.

Whitney over at Dear Jesus is joining in on this torture. Once she makes her list, it's on! We're watching all ten movies together and if we survive, then we'll post on each other's blogs and tell you what we went through. Now then, on to the list!

The Top 5 Movies I Don't Ever Want to Watch (but am going to anyway...) List:

1. The "I Hate That Guy" Movie
The Gingerdead Man starring Gary Busey

I hate Gary Busey. Period. If he's in a movie I immediately try to find something else to watch. It's the craziness that he tries to shove on everyone. I really doubt he's as crazy as he makes him self out to be. If he actually is that crazy then he should be more interesting when someone's filming him. Thankfully, I haven't had to watch his chattering horseteeth gnaw through any scenery since an episode of "Entourage" a couple years ago.

A few months ago, I made an unexpected trip to Blockbuster because Netflix was taking too long to get me my Sopranos DVDs and that's when I spotted this cinematic abortion. The Gingerdead Man starring Gary Busey. I shuddered at the current state of independent film and made a mental note to never, ever, ever, watch this movie.

My predictions: If Gary Busey stars as the Gingerdead Man then maybe this movie will be more tolerable. I'd rather watch a badly animated cookie monster (not the Cookie Monster) than Busey failing to get out of that paper bag he's acting in. If Busey's role requires him to act like a human then it's going to be a long seventy minutes.

2. The "That Looks Boring as Hell" Movie
Pride and Prejudice - The A&E Five Hour Long Miniseries

I just can't see how this is going to be bearable. Granted, I like Colin Firth in movies like Love, Actually but it's not Mr. Firth that I'm anticipating having a problem with. I have a problem with the fact that it's five hours long, set in 19th century England, and features dialogue such as this:

You're mistaken, Mr. Darcy. The mode of your declaration merely spared me any concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner. You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. From the very beginning your manners impressed me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit and your selfish disdain for the feelings of others. I had not known you a month before I felt you were the last man in the world whom I could ever marry!

Victorian England movies are the cinematic equivalent to waterboarding. Buggies, bonnets, and Bennets are not my ideal content for a kick-ass Saturday afternoon. They don't even suit me for a Thursday's early evening. I'm not going to say that there aren't any good movies set in Victorian England, I know better than that. I will say, however, that I don't want to watch them. Some people don't like Pauly Shore and Bobcat Goldthwait, I don't like big white wigs and 1800s courtship narratives.

My prediction: I'm going to hate my life for the five hours I'm watching this and for the two hours beforehand where I'm trying to convince myself to actually go through with it. Should make for an interesting post.

3. The "I'm Morally Opposed to this" Movie
Last House on the Left

Rape revenge movies. Um... I don't know why but these aren't usually my cup of tea. I don't know a whole lot about this movie other than who directed it and the general premise. Not ever seeing that premise play out visually was fine by me. I remember Roger Ebert tried to convince theaters not to book either this film or I Spit on Your Grave because it was absolute garbage. Double feature, anyone?

My prediction: I'm a fan of Wes Craven's work, People Under the Stairs, especially. I have this little inkling of faith that this movie won't be as gut-wrenchingly vile as I've made it out to be. This is the one I'm looking forward to the least. It'll probably turn out to be my favorite. If anything, I probably won't be bored.

4. The "Everyone Told Me This Sucked" Movie
Swept Away
Runners Up: From Justin to Kelly/Gigli/Glitter/Catwoman

This is the movie that ended Guy Ritchie's career! The man that made Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels was brought down by a remake of Lina Wertmuller's 1974 film, "Travolti da un Insolito Destino Nell'azzurro Mare D'agosto," which won the He Shot Cyrus award for "Best Movie Title I've Heard Today." The movie stars his wife, some lady named "Madonna" who I heard used to be singer.

Here's how this movie beat out it's competition: Kelly Clarkson is hot. Jennifer Lopez is hot. Mariah Carey is hot. Halle Berry is hot. Madonna is not hot. In a long list of awful movies, the one with the least redeeming factors wins. That movie is Swept Away. I swore I would never watch it because I really doubted that it would be one of those "so bad, it's good" movies. To be honest, it just looked like a waste of time. I guess the time has come where I have nothing better to do with my time than waste it.

My prediction: It won't be as a bad as everyone say it is. I have no idea what the movie's about but I have a feeling that I won't be hating my life like with some of these other movies. Two hours to eat popcorn and wonder if Swept Away is also the reason why Jason Statham doesn't make good movies anymore.

5. The "So-Called Classic That Doesn't Appeal to Me on Any Level" Movie
Eraserhead

I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not David Lynch's biggest supporter. If he ran for President, I'd vote for Peter Bagdonovich instead. But not Roman Polanski. I'm a firm believer that a U.S. President should be allowed to set foot on U.S. soil.

After a few viewings of Blue Velvet and more than a few "ugly" feelings, I began to enjoy it. I wouldn't watch it all the time, but I wouldn't object to someone throwing it in if the mood stuck them. Mulholland Dr. was as confusing as Nick Nolte's mugshot. It's been on my list to watch again but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

Even with my mixed feelings towards his other films, David Lynch isn't the reason I don't want to see Eraserhead. Back when I was a young fellow attending a small high school in rural Central California, I had a friend who always knew about the weirdest music and movies. This kid introduced me to: David Bowie, GWAR, Insane Clown Posse, Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles, Videodrome, and so-called "noise composure." Eraserhead was another film that he told me about. This one, he said, was different. The phrase I always remember him saying is "Don't watch this if you ever want to have kids." I don't know what he meant by this but I was never very curious to find out.

Since High School, tons of people have told me to watch Eraserhead. Apparently, everyone and their grandfather loves this freakin' movie. It got to the point that I started lying to people--telling them I had seen it and that it was "really weird" so that they would leave me alone, haha. They would all agree that while it was "really weird" that it was also a masterpiece. I would agree with them and then change the subject to anything else. It's time to see what they've all been talking about. Once and for all, I am going to be able to say that, "Yes, I have seen Eraserhead and this is what I think of it" without fear of my nose growing.

My prediction: I'm scared that this one's been too overhyped and that it won't live up to my expectations. That being said, I'm open to liking Eraserhead. I'm open to loving Eraserhead. Now that I'm more familiar with Lynch's work I'm pretty sure that I'll be pretty receptive to Eraserhead. I'd also bet that my opinion on bearing offspring won't change that much.

Note: The third Lord of the Rings movie almost made my list but that's a thought for another day.

That's the list! PLEASE, drop a comment in the box with your thoughts on this list. Also, I want to know your lists too. I'm really interesting in finding out which movies you'll never watch. Thanks to everyone who voted on the poll question and thanks to everyone who's been leaving me comments and feedback lately.