Never Heard of It: Someone's Watching Me

I consider myself to be a huge John Carpenter fan. Assault on Precinct 13 was the first film I reviewed on He Shot Cyrus. I own a number of his films including Pro-Life, his installment in the Masters of Horror series. And while I claim to be a so-called "fan," there was not only a Carpenter film I had never seen before, but had never heard of either. The film is called Someone's Watching Me. It was brought to my attention by Whitney at Dear Jesus. How did I miss this one? It must be terrible. All I know about Someone's Watching Me is the title and the director. Here we go with week two of Never Heard of It.

The film opens with shots of various pieces of surveillance equipment. Tape recorders, telescopes, and a mystery man talking on the phone. He makes a creep call to a woman named Elizabeth. There's just something about the words "Sweet Dreams" that creeps me out. Always has.

Live Feed Comment: (0:1:26) "I hope this is a rip-off of The Conversation. Also, do I own Enemy of the State?"

Interesting title sequences have a way of sticking with me. Someone's Watching Me's opening is incredible. A bright red screen gets covered in thin white lines creating a grid-like look. The music plays as three bold white letter sweep toward the camera: SOMEONE'S WATCHING ME. The red eventually fades away into a tall building, the red is replaced by concrete walls and the white squares are replaced by windows. If someone knows how rip videos, this one should end up on YouTube for me.


LIVE FEED COMMENT: (0:02:12) "Who's Lauren Hutton? Sounds familiar..."

Fresh in from New York City, Leigh, needs an apartment in the new city. Apparently she needs a job too. Her first interview at a local TV station goes well and the interesting blonde who talks to herself too much gets hired. She meets Sophie, a crackshot lesbian television director, who will probably be my favorite character in this movie. After Sophie warns Leigh about the skeezy guys who work at the station, it's back to the apartment where we can all assumme the real trouble will start.

LIVE FEED COMMENT: (0:14:29) "Who played the mom on E.T.? I don't think it was this woman. 'Dee' something. Damn. That gonna bug me."

LIVE FEED COMMENT: (0:14:44) "Dee Williams! She was in Poltergeist too. So who the hell is Lauren Hutton? Looks familiar."

LIVE FEED COMMENT: (0:15:45) "Woah! Something creepy just happened. I don't want to spoil it for you. If Danny DeVito's smiling by the end of this movie, check it out and keep your eyes open around the fifteen minute mark!"

So like the title implies, Someone's Watching Me is a stalker movie. The "Me" is "Leigh," the "Someone" is undetermined, and the "Watching" is done through telescopes. Leigh's stalker has planted hi-tech bugging devices around her apartment and when the creepy phones calls start, the audience is left guessing a little less than the protagonist. Some people hate when the viewer knows more than the main character. I usually don't mind if it's handled correctly. Someone's Watching Me does a so-so job. Thanks to these bugs that we're aware of, there are a lot of how could he know that scenes were Leigh and her friends try to figure out just what's happening to them.

One pitfall that Someone's Watching Me manages to avoid is the I Met a New Man, I Think I Like Him but in Twenty Minutes I'll Suspect HIM of Being the Stalker cliche. Leigh meets Paul and they hit it off. I was hoping Leigh and Sophie would hit it off but maybe that's too much to ask for. Come on, Mr. Carpenter, you shot a little girl through her vanilla cone, you can have two women fall in love.

LIVE FEED COMMENT: (0:27:50) "I bet John Carpenter's against Prop 8. Good for him."

The second act moves a bit slowly. That being said, the film is a pretty decent thriller. It avoids the temptation of melodrama and shows the stalker's ability to slowly wear this strong woman's will down. When a telescope shows up at Laurie's apartment, along with written instructions from the Peeping Tom, it's clear the stakes have risen. When an orange polka dot bikini shows up, Tom's intentions seem pretty clear.

The second act ends on a suprisingly high note. When the police pull their He Hasn't Done Anything Wrong routine, Leigh takes matters into her own hands. She's got a suspect and she's gonna track him down. Down in the laundry room, Leigh does some stalkling of her own. In a pulse-raising scene, Leigh hides underneath a metal grate as her stalker stand on top, smoking. He drops his cigarette down and leaves before giving Leigh a good look at his face. Apparently, these were the days before DNA testing. I would have taken that cigarette straight to the closest DNA lab and ran some tests. Then I would have listened to The Who.

LIVE FEED COMMENT: (0:55:45) "If someone is watching you through your windows, describing the clothes you're wearing, asking you to take them off, etc. then what possesses you to have sex with all the blinds open?"

LIVE FEED COMMENT: (1:05:31) "Hey, they're arresting Uncle Leo from "Seinfeld." The one with the pen that writes upside down. The astronaut pen. It's only an hour into the movie. I bet he's not the guy."

The third act is REAR WINDOW. Woman runs across to the next building over. Friend watches her progress from her apartment through a telescope. Tension builds. Someone gets attacked. The only things missing are flash bulbs and the oddly humorous sound of Jimmy Stuart yelling.

The film has quite a few strengths. Leigh is a very interesting character (who likes to talk to herself all the time). Sophie and David are well-rounded supporting characters who don't ever lose faith in their friend's story. If there's something more annoying than knowing more than the main character, it's watching all the supporting characters treat the protagonist like they're crazy. That never happens in this movie. Leigh is strong on her own but accepts the offered help from her buddies and lovers.

A final showdown between Leigh and her heavy-breathing Crank Yanker was a must. This is one creepy scene. She enters her apartment to find that the guy's already been there. The numbers in her phone have been removed. The electricity box has been messed with. The locks are broken. She moves through the darkness and just when you think the guy's not in there, he jumps on her. Not going to give away the ending, but it did put a smile on my face. It might be someone you expected. It might come out of left field. You'll have to rent it (or e-mail me) to find out.

I don't know how I could have missed this movie. The film has a very different feel compared to the other Carpenter films I've watched. It's possible that someone else wrote the screenplay (I meant to watch for the writer's name during the opening titles) and Carpenter filmed it. Either way, it's a pretty decent thriller with a few standout scenes and moments. I know it wasn't released before Precinct because the only feature he made before that was the offbeat sci-fi comedy Dark Star. Now, if you've never seen Dark Star, check it out. It got a DVD release and it's definitely worth ninety minutes. Can I say that about Someone's Watching Me? I'll let Danny DeVito decide. If you've forgotten what the Glad I Watched It rating system looks like, click this link.

Glad I Watched It Rating:

The Exorcist...only with bunnies.

If you've never seen it then it's new to you!

Top Five Favorite Horror Films

5. Dead Alive

4. The Descent

3. Night of the Living Dead
2. People Under the Stairs

1. Halloween

Easy question:
what's your Top 5 favorite horror movies?

In Bruges

Yesterday, on the recommendation of my friend Jonny, I watched In Bruges. It had made my first Top 7 I Want to See list but for one reason or another, I hadn't seen it. So much has been written about Martin McDonagh's first feature-length film and potential comeback film for Colin Ferrell that I'm inclined to just step back and agree with everyone. The movie's great. It's funny, moving, beautifully shot, filled with twists and turns, and just might find a slot on my Top 10 of the Year list. It's that great.

I remember watching a documentary that explored how Steve McQueen became the superstar that he was. Performing amongst some of the best ensamble casts ever grouped together (The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape), McQueen was constantly active, even in the shots where he was in the background. He'd be playing with his hat or moving his arms in a certain way that would subtlely distract the audience from the other actors in the shot and bring the attention to himself. While Ferrell doesn't have an ensamble to compete against, it would seem that he has some work to do to convince people he's still an actor worth paying for.

One of the things I noticed most about In Bruges (which is in Belgium, by the way) was Colin Ferrell's face. Whether it's shot from far away or in a close-up, Ferrell's face is so expressive. It's noticeable but not distracting. I would argue that his role as Ray is the most emotionally developed character of Farrell's career. Don't get it twisted, I sorta understood the motivation behind Bullseye. He liked darts, right? His expressions in In Bruges really help flesh out his character. They may seem silly in stills but in the right context, they work.

Alright, even in the right context, some of them are still pretty silly. All in all, In Bruges is worth watching. You're doing yourself a diservice by skipping on it because you didn't love S.W.A.T. or because you thought Alexander sucked. Thanks to everyone who recommended it to me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You...

My favorite post ever written, by anyone, ever.
Jason Bellamy's Diane Lane Naked at The Cooler.
It's more tasteful than it sound.




Also, Jason is hosting the Politics & Movies Blog-a-thon.
It goes from November 4th to November 9th.
Everyone should participate.
Until, go read Diane Lane Naked.

Frankenhooker

This wasn't the Al Franken sex tape I was promised.
That being said, Mary Shelly must be proud.

The year was 1990. Brain Damage and The Basket Case series were gaining notoriety on the home video market. Cult film director Frank Henenlotter teamed up with the original editor of Fangoria and penned a script involving a psychotic pre-med student with a love for puzzles.

When the robotic lawnmower Jeffery designed for his father's birthday accidentally slices and dices his fiance Elizabeth (played by Penthouse Pet Patty Mullen), the mission is clear. Keep her head on ice until the next lightning storm. Then, take all the various body parts you've hacked off of the hookers you've hired and stitch them together (remember that love for puzzles we just talked about?) and !KABLAMO! your loving wife-to-be is back and life can continue like normal.

A born romantic, Jeffrey still takes the time to make Elizabeth feel special. It's really nice that he could love her even with those Christmas ham-sized feet. Those really shouldn't be on the dinner table. When he's not pouring wine down the throatless head's mouth, he's in the garage trying to figure out how to play God. If you're wondering how someone whose never attended any courses on Hooker Reanimation could possibly comprehend all those complex equations and variables, don't worry, our mad scientist solves all these problems by shoving a power drill into his brain and mixing stuff up a bit until the world makes sense.

Now to find the hookers!

[From Left to Right: Ol' Crick Neck, Erika Eleniak, Ponder-osa, NeonThong, Motorboat, Red, Scratchy, and Big Ominous Hand.]

Now that Jeffery's found the right hookers, he needs to decide which parts to take from which streetwalker. He measures their arms, legs, and brains (just kidding, why would he need one of those?) and writes up his grocery list. After all the busts and butts are accounted for, it's time to murder some ladies of the night. With his robotic lawnmower in the pawn shop, Jeff's gotta come up with another ingenious plan. Back to the power drill. Ah, of course!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Super Crack. What hooker can resist Super Crack? It's just like crack except bigger, stronger, and more...

...explosive.
Here's a video clip of hookers exploding. You know you're clicking this damn link.

Back in the lab, Jeffery throws together the pieces just in time for the lighting storm. The thunder rolls, the lighting strikes, the hooker is...ALIVE. Oh shit, I can't believe everything didn't go as planned. Elizabeth thinks she's a hooker. Didn't see that coming.

Frankenhooker Warning of the Day: If you have sex with a prostitute, make sure her "down there area" won't make you explode during your no-pants party.

Happy Halloween.

Never Heard of It: The Rider Named Death

Here's the first entry in what I hope will be the long-running and fame-grabbing weekly series destined to finally make me cool with the popular kids. If you missed my intro post for Never Heard of It, here's a quick rundown. I'm reviewing movies that, before grabbing it randomly off the DVD racks, I'd never heard of before. Completely new-to-me movies.

This week, I'll be reviewing a film called The Rider Named Death. I don't know what year it was made or who directed, starred, or released it. I did notice that it was in the "Russian" section, so I'm assuming it's a foreign film. Other than that, no idea...here we go.

Live Feed Comment: (0:00:03) "Oh shit, it's a period piece. Horses and hoop shirts...damnit.
Live Feed Comment: (0:01:42) "She's hot. What's her name? Princess Beloselskaya-Belozerskaya? Thanks, subtitles."

After the assassination of a politician by the beautiful woman, the film cuts to an awesome black-and-white flashback looked to be shot with an old stationary camera. You know Lumiere-style. The voice over sets the film up. Pre-Soviet Union Russia: mean to its people. The country has a history of revolutionaries killing its leaders trying to inject change. The government responds by cutting off the heads of assassins and displaying them in the courtyard for identification!

As the film progressed, I realized that The Rider Named Death wasn't going to be the Pride & Prejudice ripoff that the opening shot made me fear it would be. The film revolves around a group of revolutionaries who plot to change their world, or at least their country, one bomb at a time. The group recieves their orders from higher-ups who, as a committee, decide who the next target will be.

Live Feed Comment: (0:06:26) "Masquerade parties are scarier when the masks speak Russian."

One scene, reminiscent of Hitchcock's Blackmail, follows a woman as she constructs and delivers two explosives intended for the assassination of a Duke. With sweat drenching her brow, she carefully places the dynamite packages into a cookie tin. The detonators are inserted next, all movement made with the utmost precaution. The actress' performance in this scene is one of the best of the film. She moves slowly through out her room, as the camera slides around her. The woman delivers her package, holding an explosive picnic basket just ever so slightly away from herself as if to protect her from it's contents.

The cinematography and set design deserves their own special attention. The coloring of the walls is so eye-catching that sometimes they were more interesting that the actors standing in front of them. Rich greens and blues paint the apartment room walls. When shooting exteriors, the director keeps his frames full. Dirty tan buildings are crammed next to off-white ones. Even with all of the well-dressed ladies and gentlemen walking the streets, there always seems to be the possibility of chaos, maybe a bombing or a street chase. A sense of unrest decorates the film's locations.

About fifty minutes in, the ground attempts to blow up a Duke as he rides through the town. The revolutionaries are put to the test when the happy, smiling faces of the Duke's wife and children are shown through the carriage windows. Are they killers of women and children? As the transport passes them by, one of the film's most captivating characters, Fryodor, decides to act. The glass shatters as the bomb breaks through the window. Immediately, the police swarm on Froydor who takes off running. The chase makes your heart pound, loud. Ducking between groups of children, the wannabe assassin avoids police bullets before taking his own life behind a woodpile. It's only then that it's revealed that the bomb failed to detonate.

Live Feed Comment: (1:02:57) "Nudity! Wasn't expecting that. Also, there's a lot less fur hats and vodka than I thought there would be."
Live Feed Comment: (1:03:02) "I'm a racist."

As loyalties are questioned and numbers begin to dwindle, the stakes are raised higher and higher. George, the group's leader, is forced to take drastic measures. I've already given way too much away, so I won't spoil the ending. I will end on some final wrap-up thoughts about The Rider Named Death. If all of the Never Heard of It selections are as good as this, I'll be happier than the ending of a Garry Marshall Movie.

This is no Russian Ark. Not knowing too much about Russia's history, it's Civil War, and transformation into the Soviet Union, I was still able to keep up with the plot very easily. The film takes the viewer deep inside a secretive group of people and attempts to show why they resorted to the actions they did. Why did they believe that violence was the way to inspire change? If the plot wasn't so deeply rooted in Russia and it's tumultuous past, this could easy be remade into an American political thriller. The director works within a familiar narrative form but gives it enough of a reworking that the viewer never quite seems to know what's coming next. Very impressive film.

Glad I Watched It rating: