Jacob's Ladder (1990)

Left underwhelmed by Fatal Attraction, I wasn't looking forward to more of Adrian Lyne's earlier work. Don't get me wrong, I have Flashdance days from time to time, but 9 1/2 Weeks and Indecent Proposal never appeared worth watching. Unfaithful is nothing short of a cinematic orgasm of genius but I had my mind made up on Jacob's Ladder. Not interested. Then I rented it. Then I watched it. Then I realized that I'm an idiot.

Tim Robbins plays a guy with a ladder. Actually, he's Jacob, a postman who used to be in 'Nam, has an ex-wife, a dead son, and likes to showers with Elizabeth Pena. That pretty much sums it up. Oh wait, he is also the sole possessor of one amazing haircut.

The narrative falls back and forth through several streams of reality. There's what seem to be Vietnam flashbacks, flashbacks with his wife and kids, and his present life with Pena. Coming home from work one night, Jacob witnesses a subway train full of faceless beings. This, combined with his wartime memories, has left the letter sorter, to use a clinical term: fucked up.

An old army buddy shows up and starts talking about these demons and that he's going to hell. This inspires an "Our Boys" reunion. The whole gang's there. Ving Rhames. Eriq La Salle. A couple of nameless white guys. Trouble is, I could have sworn most of them died in the opening scene of the movie. They start talking about government conspiracies. They start talking about demons. Jason Alexander shows up. It's a real mess.

The film's most impressive aspect are its special effects. According to the world's second most reliable information source, IMDB Trivia, all of the special effects were filmed live with no post-production. The world's most reliable information source, Wikipedia, backs this up with a description of a fast motion body horror technique. The technique results in me peeing a little out of fear. If more filmmakers had utilized this anti-CGI style, a lot less 90s films would be considered so dated today. They can't all be Jurassic Park, gentlemen.

Lyne also handles the less over-the-top tensional scenes in an equally effective manner. Tim Golden wrote in his Variety article, "Up 'Jacob's Ladder' and into the Hell of a Veteran's Psyche" about the director's ability to stay true to his own style while coming up with news ways to keep the auidence wriggling in their chairs.

"True to fans of his earlier films, Mr. Lyne remains fascinated in "Jacob's Ladder" by the lines between sex and violence, sensuality and gore, comfort and vulnerability. He looks for tension in everything from a morning shave to the way a shyster lawyer chomps his ice cubes, and his camera fixes everywhere from the spinning wheel of a hospital gurney to between the legs of a car-driving Government agent."

Jacob's Ladder really impressed me. It's diffictult to understand why more people don't talk about this film. I'd heard the title before, often grouped together with other 90s thrillers, in the same vein as Extreme Measures and Malice. Neither of those films can hold a candle to Ladder's disjointed narrative, impressive filmic techniques, and overall complexity. Has anyone seen this before? I can't be the only one impressed by Jacob's Ladder. If you've seen it, let me know what you think.


Five things I learned from Jacob's Ladder:
1. Lyne takes a little dramatic license concerning the dangers of a 106 fever.
2. Macaulay Culkin did make a pre-Home Alone film besides Uncle Buck.
3. The wonky-eyed guy is named Pruitt Taylor Vince and his wonkiness is caused by a condition called nystagmus.
4. It isn't possible to write about this movie without mentioning Elizabeth Pena dancefloor-fucking a giant devil creature complete with wings and tail to Abba's 'Voulez vous.'
5. Tropic Thunder doesn't really capture the horrors of Vietnam War the way I thought it did.

What's Your 'FAVORITE' Movie?

"What's your favorite movie?" Four words capable of bringing a superhuman cinephile to his knees. Usually asked by outsiders attempting to fill awkward conversation lulls, this bullshit question sucks because no matter what answer you give, it's never the right one.

Unless your favorite film actually is: The Godfather, Fight Club, or something that came out in the last six months (Dark Knight seems to be a popular choice), you're going to have a tough time explaining it to your co-worker's boyfriend. You know, the one that just got that job at the Ford dealership.

For those Lord of the Rings, Pulp Fiction, Shawshank fans, perhaps some explanation is in order. Just imagine, if you can, that there was a film. This film never had any cardboard cutouts made up from their characters. This film was made before Goodfellas and cannot be purchased as part of Hollywood Video's 3 for $25 deal. And you really like this movie. You love this movie. It's the funniest, or saddest, or most violently awesome movie you've ever seen.

Now imagine that none of the people you know have ever seen this movie before. You've just seen this amazing movie and you've got no one to talk about it with. Not only that, but your friends think you're weird for recommending it to them. Your family laughs you off too. No matter how great this movie is, you're new favorite movie, nobody seems very interested. Frustrating, isn't it?

Then someone asks you what you're favorite movie is. You get excited. Someone actually wants to know about this movie! They're interested! So you tell them! "My favorite movie is..."

And here's what happens (at least with me):

Scenario#1: This guy can't distinguish between favorite and best. Is The Warriors the best movie or my favorite movie? When I tell him my favorite movie is The Warriors, he tells me I'm wrong and then proceeds to explain to me the artistic mastery of Peter Jackson.

Scenario #2: This guy doesn't want me to answer with a title he's never heard of before. I say ''The Warriors.'' Then I'm greeted by the blankest of stares. Then one of us walks away.

Scenario #3: I say ''The Warriors.'' He says ''Oh yeah, that's a good movie. You know what else is good? Saw IV."

Clearly, this guy's never seen the movie I'm talking about. Now, I'm forced to make a difficult decision. Do I lie and say that not only did I see Saw IV but I loved Saw IV? Apparently, this is how this guy wants the conversation to go down. He lied about my movie. I'll lie about his movie.

However, that doesn't seem right. Why should I lie? I didnt' see Saw IV. I didn't miss it by accident either. Why make myself out to be cinematially ignorant for the comfort of this Cradle 2 the Grave fan? I end up brushing off his Saw IV ramblings and explaining why he should see The Warriors immediately. Oh great, now I'm that guy! The awkward film nerd/party hazard that corners some poor, defenseless business analyst for half an hour and talks his ear off about some movie no one's ever heard of before.

I'm generally okay with being that guy. I only took thirty minutes. Saw IV stole two hours from him. Plus, now, he's learned something. Never bring a Saw to a gun fight.

Scenario #4: I say ''The Warriors.'' This guy says ''The Warriors! I love that movie. Do you ever read this blog called "He Shot Cyrus?" It's the most entertaining blog ever written."

When that happens, I'll let you know how I handle it.

"I tell people it's Red Dawn but it's actually You've Got Mail."
- Seth Rogen (Undeclared)

Don't Judge a Movie by the Trailer: The House Bunny

I have never seen The House Bunny. However, I have seen the trailer.

If you haven't seen it, here it is.

Having watched the trailer, I feel eligible to pass judgment on this movie. Where to start...where to start? First off, I'd like to explain that I'm a pretty open-minded movie-goer. I'll watch great movies and awful movies and everything in between. My loyal readers will remember that Tom Arnold starred in three of my guilty pleasure movies. That being said, there is little that I find redeemable about The House Bunny.

First off, the premise. A Playboy bunny gets kicked out of the mansion for being too old (see: 27). Apparently this young woman has no life skills or talents to fall back on. She wanders around until she stumbles into a sorority house. Now, it's not a "normal" sorority house. The girls are "ugly," "unpopular," and...if you can believe it...smart. God forbid.

I put up with the take-the-glasses/overalls-off-the-nerdy-girl storyline in She's All That. But that was almost ten years ago. Today, I'm over it. As far as I'm concerned, Anna Faris is pretty damn talentless and needs to learn how to shut her mouth. It's not that she speaks too much. She just cannot shut her mouth, close her jaw, make her teeth touch, etc.

That took four minutes to make. Pretty easy to find a dozen pictures of Faris with her mouth propped open like a codfish. This is the only expression Faris can make: happy, sad, excited, worried, scared, horny. What her "roles" call for, she's got a gapped-mouth expression for it.

With Paris Hilton sextapes, Bratz dolls, and underwater princesses telling little girls to give up their voices for vaginas, America does not need another movie that preaches that sexiness is more important than intelligence. Boys matter more than books. A Master's Degree means nothing without money and make-up. Even if, by the end of the movie, the Playboy bunny learns that it's alright to stop stripping and start studying, I highly doubt the ends will justify the means.

But then again, I haven't seen the movie. I've only seen the trailer.

It's Been a Long Time...

Just wanted to show support and give thanks to the people who've done so for He Shot Cyrus. I try to do this every couple weeks and it just occurred to me that I hadn't done this in while. So here it is, the list.

Five Comments
Daniel G. @ Getafilm

Four Comments
Joseph Campanella @ Cinema Fist
Kaleen
Whitney @ Dear Jesus

Three Comments
Cinexcellence @ Cinexcellence.com
Fletch @ Blog Cabins
Fox @ Tractor Facts
J.D. @ Valley Dreamin'
Keith @ The Kinetoscope Parlor

Two Comments
Brian @ Dear Jesus
Caitlin @ 1416 and Counting
Jason Soto @ Invasion of the B Movies
J.D. @ Radiator Heaven
Kim @ Kim and Nick
Runs Like a Gay @ Runs Like a Gay
Taylor

One Comment
Adam Ross @ DVDPanache
Chick Young @ Trash Aesthetics
Derek @ Son of Double Feature
Don @ Petaluma Films
Emma @ All About My Movies
The Jaded Viewer @ The Jaded Viewer
James @ Mincey Fresh
Jenni
Joe @ Joe Doudna
Marilyn @ Ferdy on Films, etc.
Ms☆Go @ D.C. Movie Girl
Piper @ Lazy Eye Theatre
Rachel @ Rachel's Reel Reviews
Ronald
Ross Williams @ What I Watched Last Night
Slayton @ PUXZKKX
T. Rigney @ The Film Fiend
Wayward Jam @ Reel Whore

Click on these links!
Tons and tons of great write-ups, reviews, and original ideas to be found through these links.
Thanks to everyone who leaves me comments. I swear, you'll all be getting some comments from me soon.

Also, for those still wondering, the big announcement will be coming soon.
Can't give any hints except that it's going to be awesome!

Surprisingly Not Terrible

Mirrors

Keifer Sutherland takes a break from saving politicians to take on a group of reflective surfaces. Mirrors was surprisingly well made. The scary parts are definitely scary. The characters are believable. The plot holes are minimal.

An ex-NYPD officer gets a job working night security for a fire damaged department building. He replaces a man who had recently killed himself (in a terrifying opening scene). The first thing he notices is how clean all the mirrors are. The first thing I would have noticed was how many creepy-ass mannequins are lying all over the place.

The movie gets pretty creative towards the end when Keifer and his family realize that these demons can travel through any sort of reflective surface or substance (i.e. H2O). I'll bet the producers decided that Water and Mirrors sounded way too Bergman for American audiences. Just kidding, producers wouldn't know Bergman.

Here's how the movie breaks down the terror: mirrors for men; water for women. Broken glass shard wounds: for the men. Soaking wet white tops: for the ladies. For example:

[Pictured Above: (Left) Man slicing throat with glass. (Right) Hottie in wet, white top.]

That being said, the film was much better than expected. Does it objectify women? Sure, but not nearly as often as it objectifies demons. It seemed like every other shot had some offensive characterization of a demon. Everyone know they don't look like they do in Mirrors. They look like this:
So, while that may be a problem for some, most horror fans will probably find Mirrors to be a cut above the rest as far as recent scary movies go. The poster made it seem as though another - Japanese girl with wet hair who makes too much eye contact with you while standing outside your elevator window on every floor as it makes its way down to the apartment building lobby - type of movie. But it wasn't. The only girl with wet hair was this one:

Like I said, Mirrors was better than expected. The scary parts were scary. The characters were believable. And to top it off, Jennifer Connolly didn't star in it.

A Quick Reminder...

Monster Camp
is out on DVD today!

After catching Monster Camp at Cinequest a couple years ago, I've been telling people to go see this quirky documentary. Here's an excerpt from an earlier post:

OH YES! I have seen this movie and it is glorious. There's heroes, villains, and MAGIC! Here's the lowdown on Monster Camp. A group of nerdy kids get together to LARP (or Live Action Role Play). Bascially, they play real-life World of Warcraft. Foam swords, potion viles, and truckloads of virginity. What else can a (horizontally) growing boy ask for? Monster Camp is hilarious and really, really fun. I happened to see the world debut at Cinequest last year and met the filmmaker. Definitely keep your eyes open for this one. I'll let everyone know when it comes out on DVD too.

Well, it's out. Here's an Amazon link.
It's on Netflix too. Go check this one out.

Another 12 Movies Meme

Excerpt from The Dancing Image:

So now I propose a new list-making venture for all of you reading this: imagine that you can screen 12 hard-to-see movies that you've personally never viewed before. And since all memes need a catchy name, call this the "Holy Grail" list.
Here are the rules:
1. List 12 movies you've never, ever seen before. 2. Films cannot be availible on Netflix. 3. Organize the 12 movies any way you want. 4. Credit The Dancing Image and Lazy Eye Theatre. 5. Tag five people to keep the meme going.

Here's my Holy Grail list:

Joe's Bed-Stuy Barbershop: We Cut Heads (1983)

Spike Lee's first feature film. Actually, it was his MFA thesis project. If I had to make a film right now for my MA, it's probably look like Andy Milonakis tried to remake High Fidelity in a video store.

...All the Marbles (1981)

Peter Falk and his group of female pro wrestlers are going for all the marbles.
If you don't think that sounds fantastic...fuck you.

Cool as Ice (1991)

The Vanilla Ice movie. I heard it's like House Party meets The Magnificent Ambersons. Then I told my uncle to stop drinking and to get out of my room. Although, he was probably right in assuming that Cool as Ice will see a DVD release first.

The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979)

A failing basketball team hires an astrologist to switch up the players so that they're all under the same zodiac symbol. The new players are all Pisces, hence the title, The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh.

Crows Zero (2007)

First heard about this from Keith over at The Kinetoscope Parlor. He said the final showdown is not to be missed. So, why am I missing it, damnit? 'Cause I'm waiting for an American DVD release. Looks like I'll be waiting for quite a while, especially since a trip to my favorite Chinatown DVD store will now involve a 12-hour drive.

Condorman (1981)

Nothing screams "RENT THIS, KID" like Michael Crawford about to trust his life to a badly designed hang-gliding mechanism. At six years old, this VHS cover was right up there with Ghoulies and Shocker.

Cannery Row (1982)

I used to live near Cannery Row. That's honestly the only reason I'd ever watch this movie.

Amazing Grace and Chuck (1987)

A little league player decides to boycott baseball until all of America's nuclear weapons are disarmed. A famous basketball player hears about this and decides to do the same thing.

My family owned a copy of this movie for years. I never watched it. Didn't watch Johnathan Livingston Seagull either. As long as we're reminiscing, I never threw my mom's copy of Chariots of Fire. Maybe some things are just better left unwatched.

Airborne (1993)

Another Kinetoscope Parlor recommendation. This slot might have gone to North Shore if Netflix didn't have it. It also might have gone to Rad had I not seen it before. Come to think of it, an Airborne/North Shore/Rad/Thrashin' movie marathon just might have to happen soon. Now to get my hands on a copy of Airborne.

Chopping Mall (1986)

I've been wanting to watch this movie for years. Years! The cover art looks like a R.L. Stein book. Not a Goosebumps book, but one of those Fear Street books. Anyone know if this one's even worth tracking down?

12 + 1 (1969)

Mario (not the mushroom-eating plumber) recieves thirteen antique chairs. He sells all of them off only to find out that one of them is worth a fortune. He has to track down this specific chair and sets out on a trip to do so. The only problem is that he has no idea which chair is the valuable one. Sounded interesting to me, thought I'd add it to the list. Also, this was Sharon Tate's last movie...you know, before the Charlie Manson girls murdered her.

Howard the Duck (1986)

Lucasfilm involvment? Check.
Star of Caroline in the City? Check.
2 million dollar duck suit? Check.

What more do you need?


There's my Holy Grail list. I tag the following people to keep the meme going:
Whitney @ Dear Jesus
Brian @ Dear Jesus
Keith @ The Kinetoscope Parlor
J.D. @ Valley Dreamin'
Derek @ Son of Double Feature