Them (2006)

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about how much I enjoyed The Strangers. The critics had almost universally dismissed the film as just another unimportant horror flick that didn't meet up to their collective standards. As it turns out, those critics don't read my blog. At the very least, they don't comment on my blog. I got a bunch of great feedback from you guys. Some of you were either excited to see The Strangers or had already watched it and really enjoyed it.

Thanks to Kim, Jonny, Taylor, Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor, Rob from Natsukashi, and J.J. from As Little as Possible for dropping by and letting me know what they thought about The Strangers

The more I talked about this movie, the more people recommended a French thriller called Them. Using the same home invasion premise, I was told that Them was "Strangers done right." We'll see...

If you're too lazy to read this entire post, here's my verdict on Them: the first two acts are scary as hell, but by the end, all tension and suspense evaporates with the morning sun. I was so not scared that I decided to drop by the murder scene by my house and get some pizza. Oh, did I forget to mention that two people were killed 200 ft. from my house? Word to the wise, when a drunken a-hole demands that you buy him free pizza, you should probably buy him some.

Logging in at a slender seventy-seven minutes, Them follows a gorgeous schoolteacher named Clementine (Olivia Bonamy) and Lucas, her lover, through the worst night of their lives.

Just to give you an idea of who you'll be staring at, imagine Michael Cohen as the poor man's Oliver Martinez and Olivia Bonamy as the "living paycheck to paycheck but is holding out for that Christmas bonus" man's Diane Lane. Clear enough?



I don't want to just compare Them with The Strangers but since it's been presented to me as "The Strangers done right," then I think some sort of comparison is in order. Each movie has their strong points and weak points but it's safe to say that any slasher fan will find a hell of a lot to enjoy with either.

Like I said earlier, the first hour of Them is extremely stressful on the ol' ticker.
Them + high fiber diet - adult diapers = messy situation. Fortunately, the filmmakers leave the viewer an extra half hour to clean up before the credits roll.

Here's a rundown on good guys, the bad guys, and the location. If this doesn't give you a good idea of what you're getting yourself into...then I'm not very good at this.

The Good Guys

Clementine and Lucas make for a couple of decent victims. Their backstory is shallow but deeper than some other movies. Clementine teaches French to Romanian kids and Lucas is an writer who appears to be somewhat less-than-successful. Maybe all writers just look unsuccessful to me.

When push comes to shove, it's Clementine who's kicking the assess of their assailants. Clementine is rad. She takes all the risks, protects her man, and shows those hooded hooligans who's boss. Compare this to the sniveling, shrieking, Liv Tyler and you get a clear picture as to what a kick-ass woman should look like. Lucas is pretty lame but he serves his purpose, fighting back in overtime and proving not to be the absolute definition of 'sucktatude.'


The Bad Guys

Who? Why? How many? Who knows?

Individualism is not the defining characteristic of these baddies. Donning hooded sweatshirts and Chucks, a large group of mystery guests invade Clementine's proverbial talk show. They'll jack your car, stab your eyeballs, and even turn off the lights to make things scarier. There's one scene, and I don't think I'm giving anything away, but the bad guys puts this spaghetti in a bowl... Clementine puts her hand in it... well, I try to be spoiler-free here so you'll have to watch the movie.



The Location

Clementine and Lucas are trapped in their house. That's terrifying. Just the idea of home invasion has inspired a handful of really great horror films. (See: Funny Games) Even though you know every nook and cranny of your house, you still aren't safe. You know all the best hiding places. You know where the guns are hidden. You even know how to get from the Lounge to the Conservatory on a low die roll. But it doesn't matter, psychopaths always seem to be pretty determined.

Clem and Lucas' house is gigantic. She's a schoolteacher. He's a writer. I guess the housing bubble hasn't reached Romania yet. But affordability isn't the problem here, it's the fact that the house was clearly made for a horror movie. Lots of long hallways, scary attics and basements, and even a couple hidden rooms. They might as well have built on an old church, a nursery atop an Indian burial ground and a butchery. Everything just seemed too worked out.

Don't get me wrong, the scenes in the house work. I was sweating bullets that I tried shooting out of a water gun which was less fun than it sounds. The first hour is really scary but I kept getting taken out of it when I thought about the location. How convenient is an attic filled with hanging plastic sheets? That scene is actually scary as hell but the movie quickly loses it's steam afterwards.

Not to give too much away, but the most important factor in a home invasion movie is containment. Set the limits and stay within them. Them ignores it's limits for the last third of the running time. It doesn't add to the suspense because the containment factor is readjusted. In short, they go outside. It transforms from a terrifying "they're in my home" movie to "I'm going to hide behind this tree" movie. Which one sounds scarier? You're right.


This was one of the most difficult posts I've written for a number of reasons. Trying to avoid comparisons between Them and The Strangers was difficult because that's basically how I watched the movie. "Strangers done right." Well, I wouldn't quite say that. They both use the same premise in different ways but they have a lot of similarities too.

One nice thing about The Strangers is how the director left the story contained. It begins in the house and it ends in the house. There are a few outside expeditions but everything always gets drawn back to the starting point. The movie Cube just came to mind. It's really the best film to nail the confinement angle. Whooo, that's a good movie.

My advice is to check out all these movies and draw up your own conclusions. Then watch Funny Games.

Untraceable but not Irreplaceable

Untraceable just came out to DVD and I immediately threw it to the top of my Netflix queue. For my British readers let me explain. First, when I say "queue," I mean a list of movies, not a line you stand in. Second, when I say "Netflix," I'm referring to the best DVD rental company on Earth. Unfortunately, it's only availible in the States. Don't worry, though. You can still rent Untraceable from any of your local DVD rental stores such as Video City Video or some place you've got called Blockbuster. However once you track a copy down...don't bother renting it.

Diane Lane is the closest Hollywood's got to capturing the Kantian sublime. But seriously, after she got the Best Actress nomination I figured she'd start showing up in better flicks than Jumper, Must Love Dogs, and this cyber crime thriller. That being said, she does show up in these bad movies and always churns out a pretty decent performance. Diane Lane has always stood out to me but I don't know how many more Fierce People's I can watch.

One of the biggest problems with Untraceable is the huge number of completely forgettable actors who fill the roles. Granted, the roles are stereotypical crime thriller roles but none of these actors can seem to find a single way to make their characters stand out. You know you've got a problem you can't remember what the killer looked like 12 hours after watching the movie. I actually can't remember his face but I remember thinking that I was glad that they didn't cast Ben Foster. Ben Foster shows up in way too many movies and chews the scenery in each of them. Did you see Hostage? Exactly.

Alright, I'm going on a bit of a rant here but I swear I've got a point. Actors, if you get hired for a crappy role, put your own unique spin on it. Go through Samuel L. Jackson's filmography. You'll see plenty of bad roles but when you watch the movies--you end up remembering his performance.

Here are just two of the forgettable characters in Untraceable along with a picture of an actor who has played the same type of roles, only better.

You've got the tough type of police chief who gets in the way of the protagonists progress. This is his only purpose, to throw a wrench in the gears of progress. On the left, you see Peter "Unknown" Lewis and on the right you have J.K. Simmons playing J. Jonah Jameson. Alright, not the same role exactly but both are quasi-antagonists with some form of corporate power. Simmons always draws our attention to him. Check out his performances on TV's "Oz," "Law & Order," and "The Closer." Apparently, Lewis had a bit part in Forgetting Sarah Marshall but certainly don't remember him. I'm definitely not trying to say that he's a bad actor, I'm just saying that his performance in Untraceable was as stiff as cardboard and completely forgettable.

First off, I am extremely glad that Benjamin Bratt was nowhere near the shooting of this film. I wouldn't have cast him over Billy Burke, although he probably would have done a better job. The role of Detective Eric Box (hehe...) was practically written for Bratt. It's the same role he played in Miss Congeniality, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Demolition Man, and his ninety-four episodes of "Law and Order." The only reason I wouldn't have cast him was because the second he showed up on screen, everyone and their dog would have known exactly who this Box was supposed to be. At least with Burke, we had about five minutes before we completely summed up his existence.

It was completely refreshing, however, to see James Tyler Ferguson back in action. Ferguson starred in a short-lived TV show on NBC called "The Class." Apparently, he's been performing in Shakespeare in the Park since the show ended and next up he's in the new Sanaa Lathan movie, Wonderful World. His role in this movie was small but affective. He definitely stood out more in his two minutes on screen than Billy "Don't Touch Me, I'm Pretending to be a Dead Fish" Burke did in the entire movie.



Let me just mention one of the high points of the film. The premise is awesome. Some guy kidnaps people and sets them up in some sort of "Going to Kill You Slowly" contraption. Then he streams live video of the victim on the internet on his website "KillwithMe.com."

As people click on the website, the victim is killed bit by bit. The more people that log on, the faster the guy is killed. One guy gets these heat lamps turned on and the temp. raises until he practically melts to death. Untraceable is like Saw meets YouTube...in a good way. The film is a little preachy and more than a little formulaic but the killer's elaborate setups are worth checking out. And Diane Lane is hot.

Not to end on a negative note but I feel that I have to mention that even the numerous FBI raid scenes are boring! How do you mess up a raid scene? Keep the camera tight on the action. Obligatory shot of the door being broke down from inside the house. Soldiers with guns drawn precisely swarm through out the rooms. A standoff between the gun nut hiding in the closet. Doesn't seem that hard, does it? Untraceable doesn't do any of this right. Even the raid scenes are ineffective.

I really don't mind a formulaic movie. I just want something interesting from a couple of the performances. I just want the formulaic parts to follow the formula their using. If you're going to do something I've seen before then do it right and put a little twist on it. I don't think I'm asking for much.