Face it, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland remake is going to make at least $10,000 in theaters, maybe more! With that kind of draw, you know there's going to be more Disney cartoons being turned into live-action romps. Here's my take on the Beauty and the Beast remake that's bound to happen. And if it does, I want my cut.
Belle - Carey Mulligan: Amy Adams might have a lock on any Little Mermaid adaptations made in the next decade but the role of bookish Belle goes to Hollywood's latest darling. Look at those pictures. Millions of dollars went into creating the pretty princess-to-be. All it took to make the actress playing her was...well, you know... I may not believe in God but Carey Mulligan makes me believe in the power of genetics. And we have to support this casting decision because if Carey doesn't get the job...you know who they'll pick.
Beast - Daniel Day-Lewis: I'm going to get a lot of hate for this but Ron Perlman wasn't even considered for this role. Here's why. Perlman probably didn't request that mane but we can't take the chance. My Beauty and the Beast vision doesn't include anyone looking like Great White's lead singer.
Beast needs to be crazy. Animalistic. Loud, and at times, incomprehensible. With The DDL, you get all of those and more. The DDL was the last Mohican. The DDL only needs his left foot to kick your ass. The DDL will drink your milkshake! You think the Beast needs more than one limb to kill you? You think there were Mohicans left after Beast? You don't think Beast likes milkshakes? Stop being ridiculous. Stop it.
Gaston - The Rock: You're supposed to hate Gaston. You probably hate The Rock. You probably even hate that he's even being suggested for the role. Don't underestimate The Rock's ability to make you hate him. Maybe it's the muscles. The catchphrases. Maybe it's how easily he can shit on your childhood memories. Whatever it is, no one in Hollywood posesses the pure hateability of the man who named himself after a "naturally occurring solid aggregate of minerals and/or mineraloids."
Maurice - Richard Griffiths: There's nothing I love more than fantastic Fatstaches. And here, I give you two. Belle's father is a bit nicer than Harry Potter's uncle but they both share the same sort of ineffective parenting style that inexplicably turns their children into unstoppable heroes. Some use magic to revenge their parents' deaths while others marry well. In their own ways, each of these tormented children are heroes. What does this have to do with Griffith's casting? I don't know, but what I do know is that one mustn't just stand and wait for heroes to save the day but instead should hold onto the wings of the eagles while others watch as you all fly away.
Lefou - Nick Frost: Lefou was the most difficult role to cast. As it turns out, Hollywood produces actors who look like this almost on a daily basis. ABC's primetime lineup is chock-full of them, has been for years. Jimmy Kimmel almost took this job but only one thing stood in his way: his acting ability. This gap-toothed half-tard requires a professional ac-tor to capture his tongue-waggling nonsense. Nick Frost is best known for his dead-on gorilla impressions. The second I saw him pounding his chest and puffing out his cheeks like a lunatic, I knew I had my Lefou; a character less fit to live in public than the Frankenstein monster.
Mrs. Potts - Angela Lansbury: (If) Angela Lansbury is still alive, she'd still make a great teapot. Her voice is the most recognizable in the film and Mrs. Potts is the sort of role that only gets better with age. To recast her would be to shit on your own grandmother.
Chip - Freddie Highmore: Eh, this kid'll do.
Lumiere - Vincent Cassel: If this guy looks familiar then you've probably seen La Haine. If he doesn't look familiar then you should watch La Haine. This rough-and-tumble Frenchman (is this a swear?) would make a good candle stick. He's smooth with the ladies (see: Monica Bellucci) can sing and dance (well, he can rap and breakdance). The only trouble the director (I'm thinking Harold Ramis) might have is Cassel's insistence to incorporate hip-hop into the film. But then again, a Dre-produced "Be Our Guest" remix might work. Let Lansbury lay down some tracks and you've got a Billboard hit.
Feather Duster - "Feather Duster": I'm gonna let this lady handle the role of Feather Duster as I didn't even remember this character existed until I started this post. She seems like she's got a good handle on what the job entails. If she owns the costume, even better.